By Jen Adair, Blogger at Slightly Tilted, Entreprenuer, Homeschool Mom to two fab kiddos
There are days when I really think I won’t be able to make it through without a 4-hour nap, an entire bottle of Advil, and copious amounts of caffeine. Quite honestly, these days have been happening a lot more frequently lately.
I know that a lot of my stress is considered “good” stress. Work has been extremely busy. My social calendar has been packed. Everything is going full steam ahead. But, it’s not “good” stress. It’s “overwhelmingly awful” stress. Working all hours of the day and night, when I’m not at a social event or teaching the kids, has been really…hard. And exhausting. And frustrating.
I’m ashamed of myself for being a whiney, down-in-the-dumps, complaining mess lately. It certainly does not make me fun to be around and it sure as hell doesn’t make life better for me. It just makes me a brat.
And there’s nothing I hate worse than brattiness.
I feel really bad even complaining about my “good” stress, because I know I’m definitely not alone. Most women work, take care of the children, and still have all the house duties to perform. It’s go, go, go ALL the time. Men, I’m not leaving you out…you’re right there with us.
But…I feel like a complete fraud. I’m happy, but not “life-is-the-best-thing-ever” happy, even though I try to project that happy attitude. I’m positive, but not all the time…it’s very mentally challenging. I’m energetic, but also really, really tired. And then there are the little things, like the fact that my house is only really clean when company is coming and I don’t look good – at all – unless I have on makeup. See the trend here? I feel…fraudulent.
My frustration lately is this:
I WANT to homeschool. I chose it. I still choose it. It’s hard. Some days I hate it, but it’s the best thing we’ve ever done.
I WANT to work. I like it. It’s my creative outlet. I want to quit, but I also want to keep going. I want something of my own.
I LOVE my friends. I adore spending time with them. I need them. I’m tired at night, though. I want alone time with my hubby, but I want to be with other people I love and do fun things with them, too.
I DON’T WANT TO GIVE ANYTHING UP, BUT I WANT TO GIVE IT ALL UP.
I feel like I can’t win some days, and it’s driving. me. crazy.
Do any of you feel like this? Like you’re “okay” at a lot of things, but not really great at one thing? Like your brain is divided into a million pieces that you can’t corral? I don’t want to be a fraud. I WANT to be a great person, positive, energetic, funny, and smart. Instead, I’m….meh….
I must admit that I have a great life. I mean, it’s not like my world is falling apart or anything, I’m just tired of being tired. My time and attention are pulled in a million different ways, and I don’t always give top priority to the things that need me the most.
I’ve been praying more about this lately, and I’m not getting a clear answer as to what to do. It’s almost harder sometimes to have options. Should I quit working so much? Cut back on all social engagements? A little of both? Take a complete break from everything? Pull the plug and just walk away? I know I am blessed to even HAVE a choice, because so many people with REAL problems have to just keep going – I’m not trying to slight them in the least. But…I still have stress, regardless. Everyone does.
The fact is that whatever I’m worried about either doesn’t matter or it does matter and IF it does matter…I shouldn’t worry. I should just make the changes I need to make and move on. I should pray more. I should get of my butt. I should do a million other things rather than worry.
I do know this: I will try not to step into the puddle of self-pity and depression that sometimes surrounds me. I realize that most of the time, I create a problem for myself based on nothing but emotional frustration. To dive into that puddle will create a real problem, not just for me, but for those who choose to include me in their life.
Maybe the problem is that I don’t have a problem so I create a problem because I need something to solve. Or maybe I can’t handle putting together eight websites while homeschooling and taking care of the house and cooking all the meals and being a chauffeur and handling 113 social media plans for clients. Or maybe being a fraud just takes a lot of energy.
Or maybe I just needed to whine a little bit, because I sure feel better now.
I’m just now realizing, right this moment as I’m writing, that I do feel better. Maybe I’m just a little bit lonely in my emotional world and needed to confess that I don’t have it all together all the time. This is no shock to most of you, but sometimes you just have to say it out loud to avoid a total collapse of the heart and an implosion of the brain.
Or maybe I just need a nap. And a massage. And a vacation.
But first I have to make dinner…and by that I mean have a bottle of wine and order pizza.
Because even frauds like pizza.
Hey. I’m Jen Adair. I’m an entrepreneur. Homeschool mom. CEO of organized chaos. Ok – it’s really not all that organized. Some days are great, some are not, some days I feel invincible, some days I can barely get out of bed. BUT…it’s my life and I’m living it. Browse my collection of random thoughts, humor (well, I think I’m funny!), images, links, whatever…at my blog Slightly Tilted. Sharing is caring, people! 🙂