By Jade Stone
Have you ever had one of those weeks where you didn’t know which way was up and it seemed that with each “to do list” you completed that there was another one lined up and waiting in the wings? Well that was me this week.
Jay’s gone now and we miss him dearly. Luckily he was able come home for a few weekends just long enough to do a load of laundry and then head back. Jess seems to think that daddy has just gone to live at his house and truly seems to be ok with the idea except he thinks daddy should come over and play on the weekends.
I’m sure at the age of 6 this is a lot to process so for now, at least until he gets used to Jay being gone, we can pacify him with the notion that daddy is working and will come over in a couple of weekends. Lucky for us we have weaned ourselves from each other slowly! He went back on Valentine’s Day and will be gone 6 weeks or so. We have no idea if we will be able to see him within that time frame or not.
Jay is my rock. We run our household hand in hand and we seldom spend time apart unless we absolutely have to and now that he’s gone, I’m left to deal with life alone. Can I handle it? Sure. But does this mean that I probably go through my day quietly without sharing life’s pitfalls and little victories with anyone? Absolutely.
I tend to be a very fun loving outgoing person and to most people, I will go through my day never showing a glimpse of the dismal gray cloud that lies beneath the sunshine. I just can’t see the point moping around looking sad. I may feel that way however, there is no sense in my bringing the world down around me. The world around me is what keeps me going.
However, once in a while the smile will fade, the job and the pace of life will get the best of me and that gray cloud will peek out from behind the sun. It is at that point that people realize “Oh yeah, Jay is gone” and decide to ask me how I’m doing. Now, I have a confession. Most of the time, when people ask how I’m doing, I just tell them I am fine. Why? Because that is so much easier than dredging up the emotion and it’s the answer most people want to hear.
Once in a while, I will have a really low moment and actually answer the question truthfully only to watch their eyes glaze over with disinterest in response. I’m sure I am a tad bit cynical but I really just want to stop and say “don’t ask if you don’t want to know”. And then I feel horrible for dumping my emotional garbage on them. The truth is, I am just tired of looking for a trash bag to dump it in only to be given a Ziploc bag.
The take away is obvious but unrealistic. I know I should be expressing my feelings regularly to a safe person but there is simply no time and my energy is spent just getting through life. I do try to take time for myself once in a while and I spend time journaling which truly seems to be my “safest zone” right now. At the end of the day, I know that this too shall pass. Ultimately, it is my belief that God will keep his eye on us and will hold our hands along the way while we are apart until we can finally be together and hold each others’ hands ourselves 🙂
Jade welcomes your comments here as well as any suggestions you may have for her future posts. You may also e-mail her at firstname.lastname@example.org. To read previous Military Mama posts, CLICK HERE.