Guest post by local ‘Mom Whisperer’, Vikki Spencer
Several years ago, I fell into the category of having a special needs child. The details are not as important as the experience of being inducted into the “Warrior Mom” club (a la Jenny McCarthy).
I bet my story will have a familiar ring if you spend more time battling for your child than with them. I spent countless daylight hours helping my son, being with him, and learning his individual needs. Evenings I spent obsessed on the internet, knowing that if I just spent enough time, enough searching I could cure my kid. Once in a while I talked to my husband who was sure I was blowing all this out of proportion while deep inside I knew I had to save my son. Although I grocery shopped, did laundry, and made meals, there was little time to do much more than that. In between doctors, naturopaths, and Duke University, I was planning home schooling lessons and trying to answer emails from the few friends I had left. Most nights I spent time with my husband arguing over having a date night because who would babysit – and to whom would I have to repay the favor ? It felt like there was no way to really break into the chaos, and my warrior armor was pretty worn out.
I’m not sure if it was between bathroom breaks, or dozing off to sleep at night that I decided that if something didn’t give, I would. Whether by sickness or mental collapse I would be of no use to anyone , especially my son, whom I was slowly coming to resent. It felt like no one cared about me, and that needed to change.
When my husband came home from work one day, I announced that I was going away for the weekend. Where? Don’t know. By yourself? Absolutely. To do what? Probably sleep. I came to a point where I knew my answers made little sense, but I also knew that I could no longer be a lone warrior. I needed a break from the armor and the daily battle.
I went to a retreat center about 2 hours from our home that I found over the internet. For $60 a night, I got 3 meals, a bed, and a bathroom. I needed little else, but brought some candles, music I loved, bubble bath, a small potted flower, chocolate and a notebook, filled with questions, concerns, and goals I needed to process.
I spent two days and two nights tending to my own needs, thoughts, and dreams (okay, and I visited an antique shop twice). I made plans and lists. I explored ways I needed help from family and friends and when I needed a break during the week. I began to dream about date nights planned once a month and why they were important to me as well. I set personal goals which hadn’t occurred to me since I became “warrior mom”. I set goals for my son, and wrote down what treatments we tried, and what didn’t work. And I slept more than I ever imagined. I returned Sunday evening just before bedtime full of excitement, patience, new ideas, and new directions.
Having some time for self care helped me realize two things. First, that although I am a warrior I need intentional times to care for myself. Secondly, that as I am able to care for myself, I can more generously care for others since I see how vital and life giving it is – even when others may not express their gratitude.
But by far and away, the best part was coming home to my husband who looked war-torn and ragged after a full on weekend in my shoes. “We need to change some things,” he said with a new understanding. I smiled and replied, “Funny you should say that…I have a few lists I thought we could look over on our date night…”
Vikki Spencer, M.Ed. is owner of MomWhisperer.com, a personal development site for moms. For the last five years, she has been a professional life coach who supports moms to identify, create and celebrate change. She believes no one is “just” a mom and has been known to hold the Wii boxing title in the family.
