Inside His Head: Husband’s appearance is a ‘turn-off’

Dear Inside His Head guys,

My husband needs to lose weight. His BMI is 32, he has sleep apnea (snores some even with the CPAP), is on two medications to control high blood pressure and now has been told by his doctor that he is pre-diabetic. He talks about losing weight all of the time.  And he never does. He just keeps gaining.

His health is obviously at risk and quite frankly his appearance is a turn-off.  I’ve only mentioned his weight issue once and that was the day after we made love and my hip was aching so badly that it was difficult to walk. (There is a 130 lb. difference between us). I was not mean, just matter of fact.

I don’t get it. Any thoughts?

GRAY: You need to have a serious talk with him. Everything you’ve mentioned has the potential to take years off his life and cause a lot of medical complications down the road if they’re not already. If he’s talking about losing weight then he obviously wants to, it’s just a matter of figuring out how to get there and how to get him motivated.

Get him active. Whether it’s insisting he play outside with the kid(s) for ½ hour a day or taking a long walk with you after dinner, anything is a step in the right direction. If he wants to use a health club, encourage him to do it with a friend. You’ll notice these options involve someone else who will, hopefully, keep the motivation and interest present and give him support on days when the spirit is weak.

Monitor what he eats. Especially with the onset of diabetes, diet can be paramount. And heck, these days it’s relatively easy to find healthy meals that don’t taste like cardboard. If he’s eating fast food lunches, start sending him off with lunch from home or find a way to dodge the high-calorie, high-fat fare most restaurants can’t seem to get away from.

Setting short-term goals is great, but try to make lifestyle changes. In the end, the two of you probably aren’t looking at something he’ll be doing for the next 3 or 4 months as much as you’ll be creating a new way of living. Get him thinking about ways to keep exercise from getting boring. Maybe you can find different activities for each season to ensure doing the right thing doesn’t become tedious.

Reward him along the way. Especially for those who have little self motivation when it comes to losing weight, getting surprises, compliments and praise for all the work can go a long way. It can also make him appreciate the extra time he’ll get to spend around all those who support him now that he’s in better physical condition.

MAVERICK: Okay, so this guy is considered obese by that BMI ranking and if you’re like 110 he’s at least 240. Even if he’s a tall guy, he’s still pretty big and the implication here is he’s not rippling with muscles.

So, he needs to lose weight for his health and it sounds like losing some pounds might improve his sex life too.

Two very good reasons to get back in shape.

So, level with him but don’t be mean or too direct. Men can have fragile egos.

“You’re too fat and I find you too heavy to get on top of me,” isn’t the best approach.

He might not be really aware of how bad the situation has gotten. Guys are thick like that, no pun intended.

Instead, tell him you’re worried about his health and want to keep him around for many years to come. That means losing some weight. Be determined until you convince him you’re right. Don’t nag, encourage him. Try to show him how important it is for the future for the two of you that he is healthy.

Work with him on diet — nothing too drastic at first. Try to eat healthy foods and get rid of the junk food in the house, all that stuff — but do it with him. Many guys are unused to watching what we eat, so he’ll need some help and support. Don’t be a kill-joy or his mom, be his partner in this.

Encourage him to join a gym, start bike riding with a pal, or take up a sport he’s put aside like pickup-basketball or softball. Once again, you could help with this by allowing him to take the time to get back in shape or simply encourage him to go on walks with you or even hikes.

Reward him with encouraging words. Tell him he looks better once he’s lost some weight or tell him you admire his determination when he heads out to the gym. Tell him you love him, and his efforts to keep himself fit make you happy.

Also tell him they turn you on.

As he gets back in shape, reward him with sex. Teach him to associate hard work and a disciplined diet with an eager and appreciative wife.

It’ll work like a charm.

MAX: “Diseases of the soul are more dangerous and more numerous that those of the body.” ~ Cicero

I told y’all to never EVER accept questions from my wife. Seriously, though, one thing you must never do is to tell or infer or hint to your husband that you find him unattractive because of his weight.

Your husband is putting his health at risk as well your family’s security. It seems that he has deeper issues here than just weight problems. If he was doing similar destructive acts to his family and himself with drugs or gambling, an intervention would be called for. You need to have an intervention-style
conversation with your husband.

The way you begin the conversation is “I love you so much and if something happens to you, this family will be devastated. We don’t want to go on without you. We love you and need you. Healthy. Happy. Here.”

Whatever course you chose, you must come from a basis of love and support. Your husband is in danger, and you have to love and support him out of it, but you can’t make it, in any way whatsoever ever, about his appearance.