Dear Inside His Head husbands,
My husband and I used to flirt a lot, especially when we would go to parties or events. We just went to a holiday party and I noticed he didn’t joke around or sneak a kiss once. How can I bring some of that
“newlywed” interaction back?
GRAY: That’s pretty easy: give him a new wife.
Seriously, like eating a piece of broccoli, proving to a child that it’s really yummy, just show your husband what you want to get in return. Most of us are good at following someone else’s lead once they set the proper tempo.
Touch him, whether a hug or a quick peck on the cheek. It might sound like a little, but it goes a long way. It shows you care, that you stop to think of him even though you may not be doing anything more glamorous than the laundry at the time.
Pay attention to things you know would make him happy. I presently have to search the house every morning for my daughter’s shoes, so actually starting my day by finding them where they ought to be helps set the tone for my whole day. It’s not a big deal, but it can be small touches that let you both know you’re working together as partners.
Break routine by taking time to play. It might sound silly, but that’s kind of the point. How many times have you sat through a rerun of a sitcom just because you’re used to watching television at that time of day? Pull him away to do something fun. It lets him know he’s more important than a CSI repeat and not the other way around.
When you’re newlywed, both people feel like they’re something special. Over time some of those things get dropped. It’s not that we don’t care, but other priorities can usurp our time to do them. Get them back. These things can reopen the door to a flirtier time when you woke each day with a sense of expectation from the other, when one or both of you would go out of your way to do special things. There’s nothing like the feeling of knowing you’re cared about by the person you’re married to regardless of how long you’ve been married.
MAX: “There are times not to flirt. When you’re sick. When you’re with children. When you’re on the witness stand.” ~ Joyce Jillson
If I ever figure out how to put the newlywed spark back into married people’s lives, I am not going to waste my answer with nwaMotherlode [no offense, nwaMotherlode]. I am going to write the greatest selling self-help book of all freakin’ time and blow this popsicle stand.
Every woman’s magazine regularly publishes “solutions” to this problem. It is never solved, despite the fact that almost every genital-endowed person in the world would love to solve it. It’s not from a lack of suggestions.
A new relationship is like a new iphone. You can’t wait to get your hands on it, find out what the buttons do and what apps you can use.
Don’t get too down on the humdrum sexuality of an established relationship. If it’s your husband who seems uninterested, try flirting or acting a little aggressively with him, reminding him that he is still an attractive, desirable lug.
My wife and I try to solve this problem by scheduling a what’s a polite term? “Date” night when we can get jiggy with it. Almost invariably, that is the night when one of the children decides to recreate The Exorcist vomiting scene, so my wife and I end up holding puke rags together instead of knocking boots.
I still try to flirt with my wife, sneaking a kiss or perhaps even a grope. But what is passionate at a nightclub [and my wife said that is debatable] turns out to be just another nuisance when my wife is doing the dishes and the children are hollering about god knows what.
The only way to re-spice a relationship is to work at it. Both people have to make time, make it fun and remember why they became a couple in the first place.
To guys flirting is foreplay. Make sure that’s what it is for you too because flirting tends to be about sexual tension.
Men can be thick so don’t sit around expecting him to do stuff and then get ticked if he doesn’t. Don’t complain or whine about his lack of recent flirtations. We don’t want to be told how we don’t measure up to our former selves or your memories of that former self. Men don’t find that attractive. Who would? When was the last time you saw a guy staring at some stunner on TV and he said, “Gee, I bet she can belittle a guy faster than a jackrabbit.”
But if you really miss the old jolt of teasing and joking with your man though, by all means let him know and for goodness sake don’t be subtle.
Flirt with him, do it dramatically or in a way even the dullest of dullards would catch your drift and make it worth it to him to respond. When he reacts to your flirting, give him a passionate kiss, or a seductive squeeze or whisper something naughty in his ear. Let him know you missed his attention and want more of it.
That should take care of your problem. If it doesn’t, maybe you should stop worrying about flirting and check for a pulse.
