By Andi Douglas, nwaMotherlode.com beauty editor
I recently had the opportunity to receive a Swedish massage at Revive Medical Spa in Fayetteville. I realize there are people in the world who can walk into a massage, strip down, turn off their brains and just enjoy the experience. I am not one of those people. My hatred of an awkward silence and penchant for verbal diarrhea translates into an ongoing mental dialogue with myself, and honestly, my conversation partner is not all there.
45 Thoughts I had while getting a massage:
(I am introduced to Judy and escorted back to a massage room.)
1. Judy seems nice, not at all intimidating. I can do this.
2. Do I leave my underwear on? Yes. No.
3. Can’t do it. Yes. I’m so Baptist.
4. Who puts the slippers on to walk two feet to the table?
5. Hmmm, I look kinda sexy when I look up in the mirror.
6. This is as close as I will ever get to boudoir photos.
7. I’m so embarrassed for me.
8. Judy’s coming back in. Do I stick my face in the hole? That seems rude.
9. She just asked if I was uncomfortable sticking my face in the hole…WRONG CALL!
10. Find the gap for breathing and forcibly relax.
11. Medium or light pressure? I don’t want to seem like a wuss. “Medium.”
12. “Are you comfortable?”
Physically? Yes. Socially? No. (I said “Yes”)
13. My stomach keeps growling and I sound like I’m purring like a cat.
14. Maybe I am purring like a cat.
15. Nope, definitely hungry. The decision to skip breakfast for fear of “tootiness” was not wise.
16. She keeps using my name.
17. I’m awful with names. Maybe she wrote it on her arm.
18. Okay, I’m going to zone out while she works on my “hip area”. Don’t need to think too much about that.
19. Does she think it’s weird I left my underwear on?
20. 
What’s more awkward, granny panties or a thong?
21. Aaaah, lower back heaven.
22. She tucked the sheet into my waistband. I think it’s helpful! Or she’s trying to get it out of the way….I have to let this go.
23. Movin’ on up, to the east side…
24. Oh no! She found the knots in my shoulders. This is always bad.
25. This is medium pressure? What’s hard?
*fyi: I asked Judy afterward if she increased the pressure on my shoulders to work out the knots because it was very tender, and she said she actually decreased the pressure because I visibly flinched. Turns out I am just a wuss and have freakishly knotted shoulders. This did remind me of the advice I received once to take ibuprofen an hour before a massage.
25. Ow, ow, ow, aaaaaaah…got the knot out.
26. Ah, the front part is the best. That sounds weird. Oh wait, I’m just thinking that so who cares.
27. Oh wait, I’m going to write this for everyone to read.
28. Ach! Hands around my neck! Nope, she’s not killing me.
29. She keeps wiggling my arms trying to get me to relax them, but suddenly I’m hyper-aware of my bones.
30. I feel like one of those cloth dolls with wires in their arms. RELAX!
31. Oh, did I remember to check the kids folders last night?
32. NO! NO KID ZONE!
33. Aaaaaaah…
34. Where does she keep getting the lotion? I swear that time she did not take her hands off of me and still got more lotion.
35. What kind of wizardry is this?
36. My skin is going to look so awesomely moisturized. I’m glad I wore a skirt.
37. Lol, remember that Will and Grace where the girl massaging Grace says she goes where the tension is..
38. Mmm, the eye mask feels cool.
*Judy looked at me bewildered when I said it felt cold. Apparently, the eye mask has no specific cooling qualities.
39. Oh, the foot cream does smell good. Bad move, Cady.
40. Oh no, I fell asleep.
41. Can’t…sleep…through…relaxation…zzzz
42. Dang it!
43. I don’t know much about reflexology but I’m afraid a full hour massage might put me into a coma.
44. I don’t want to be dooooone. *crying on the inside* “That was perfect, thank you.”
45. I definitely need to do this again.
Like most things in life, once I can get past my fear of being naked around strangers, I have a pretty good time.
Beauty Buzz is sponsored by Revive Medical Spa, which offers a full range of medical, cosmetic, and therapeutic services, with the latest technology and knowledgeable clinicians and staff. Located in Fayetteville, Revive serves the communities of Northwest Arkansas, Southwest Missouri, and Eastern Oklahoma. Revive’s massage therapists and estheticians personalize every relaxing service to each guest’s individual needs. “Your visit will whisk you away and leave you feeling revived.”
