All Akimbo: Speaking of infertility

This is always the hardest part … waiting for my period to start.

I know it’s coming, and yet I have to fight the overwhelming urge to go out and buy yet another pregnancy test, just to see if maybe it’s not.

The cramps started yesterday, not horrible ones, but strong enough to answer the question, “Am I?” “No, you’re not. You’re definitely not,” they answered, loud and clear.

My basal body temperature has dropped again today and it’s just a matter of time.
I vowed to treat myself this month, with something as mundane as coffee, which I absolutely love but have all but sworn off – even in its decaffeinated form – because I refused to take even the smallest chance of hurting my [fetus]. And this morning, I type with a steaming cup at my side.

This blog is a great outlet for me. A blessing, in fact, because I do my dead-level best not to blather on about this infertility thing to the people close to me.

My mom and I are like sisters, and yet, I haven’t told her anything at all about my struggles. Why? I don’t know, exactly. She might try to help, sending me notes with things she’s heard or read. She might try to discourage me from going forward by pointing out how much work it is to care for one baby and how much torture I’m putting myself through to have another. She might ask questions about how things are going – and let’s face it, those queries are not all that pleasant when things are going reasonably well; in this situation it would only add to the sometimes-unbearable stress of it all. Or maybe I just don’t want her to be disappointed if it never happens.

I’m an only child and, therefore, my parents’ only hope for more grandchildren. When I told them we were going to have a baby a little over four years ago, my dad said, “I didn’t think I was going to make granddad!” They were thrilled, to say the least, and are enraptured with Mojo.

Sometimes I think about confiding in my mom about what I’m going through, but so far, I haven’t.

My husband and I talk about it, sure, but I spare him as much of the minutiae as I possibly can.

And then there are my friends. I know they would listen if I wanted to talk about it, but I’ve only shared with a few that we’ve been trying to conceive for such a long time, and … I don’t know, I just think they would tire of hearing about it after a while and I certainly don’t want to seem as obsessed to them as I sometimes feel. Mostly, I just go on with my life, working and taking on projects around the house and, yep, playing with Mojo. I think a lot about how so very lucky I am to have him. This, I know, would be much harder for me to deal with if he wasn’t here. (That’s the stuff of another post, though — secondary infertility vs. infertility the first time around. Rest assured that one is coming soon. I’m off to get another cup of coffee and scrape off some more wallpaper … there’s no reason I can’t paint the kitchen now, right?)

Does anyone out there have any words of wisdom to share? Any coping tactics to get through this? Who do you talk to, or do you talk at all, about trying and trying and trying and trying to have a baby … ? Because, really, I think it would help to hear from someone who knows what it’s like. I’m sorry for anyone who has to go through this battle for a baby, but I really appreciate your being there for me.


  1. We tried for a year with our first to get pregnant so I know it’s frustrating! Finally I got a shot or pill (can’t remember haha) of progesterone (sp?) and I got pregnant immediately! Maybe that could be a possiblity for you? My cycles were all messed up and this is what my Dr. suggested…plus we quit worrying so much about it so it was probably a combo of both things (medicine/worry)Anyways hope this help. Try not to worry and I’ll say a prayer for you. My sister is trying also and it’s disheartning for her as well.

  2. Hi! Boy do I know about infertility! We tried for more than a year before we started fertility treatments, and almost three years before we got pregnant with IVF!

    I would love to talk to you about it — I know how it feels, and I know a lot about the specifics of treatment!


  3. By the way — “worry”, “just relaxing”, “stop thinking about it”, “take a cruise”, or any of the other ridiculous things people say DO NOT cause infertility!

    Take it from me.


  4. To Erin:

    about “worry” which is a form of stress….

    Stress can mess up your ovulation and your progesterone levels..and cause all kinds of things to mess up with your body. So stressing (or worrying) CAN cause problems when trying to get pregnant. Not trying to be rude but it does affect your body and can affect fertility and pregnancies…

  5. Mother of two –
    Thanks so much for taking the time to write. I really appreciate your prayers and I’ll try to stay relaxed about all this. (That’s often easier said than done.)
    I have been taking progesterone supplements (after ovulation) for several months now, but that doesn’t seem to be helping so far. Who knows, though, right?

    Erin –
    Thank you, too, for writing!
    I know just what you mean about the frustration.
    It’s great that you got pregnant through IVF. Three years is a horribly long time to wait for the one thing you want more than anything else in the world! I would love to hear more from you about what you tried before IVF and about how IVF went. I’m not sure my husband and I could afford that kind of treatment, but it hasn’t reached that point yet and I think there’s definitely something to be said for “where there’s a will …” ; )
    I hope you have (had?) a happy, healthy nine months and that you enjoying time spent snuggling and playing with a happy, healthy baby.

    Lindsey –
    I really appreciate your comment as well! Thank you!
    I’m going to check out the link you posted. I know stress can affect the body in all kinds of ways. It’s definitely something to think about.

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