By Kim Blakely, pregnant mama
Lately, a night on which I can stay awake past 10 is a wild one indeed – but it’s no wilder than the ones on which I fall asleep at 9:30 and have the weirdest, most vivid dreams imaginable.
Last night, I dreamed my employer had trumped up some misdemeanor charge that was sending half the staff to prison for a year. I, of course, was wringing my hands about missing Christmas with Mojo and about how I would keep my unborn child safe while spending so much time with all those scary, hardened criminals. I woke up in a cold sweat trying to figure out what I would be allowed to bring with me when I reported for punishment.
And – here’s the real kicker – I was actually wondering if they would let me keep possession of my laptop and a cell phone so that I could meet my writing deadlines. Seriously. (Work-related stress diagnosis, anyone? I’m sure there’s some symbolism in that dream, but I’m slightly afraid to delve into what it might represent.)
Anyway, I wake up at 4 most mornings and I can’t go back to sleep … until around 7, when it’s time to get up for the day.
I’ve tried forcing myself to stay awake later in hopes that I can actually sleep through the night, but so far that’s just resulted in less sleep. I still wake up. My own little internal alarm clock chimes and that’s that. My brain snaps to attention, niggling about every little thing under the sun that could possibly be cause for concern – whether I’m really still pregnant, whether I’ll be able to get all my work done on time, whether we’ll be overcome by debt in these troubling economic times.
Over and over, though, I worry about whether I’m getting all the enjoyment I possibly can out of Mojo at age 3 – whether my deadlines and day-to-day responsibilities have overshadowed my real reason for being here, and whether my nighttime/early morning anxiety/all-day nausea and run-of-the-mill first trimester ill-feeling is sucking the enjoyment out of life for him.
Then the sun comes up, and we get up and get busy…
In the light of day, I mostly do feel OK about it all. I just realized as Mojo and I were giggling hysterically about something silly that I probably just need to relax.
There’s never enough time, it’s true. And what there is of it does seem to pass too quickly. But I know we all just have to relish the moments we have. Tomorrow is, after all, another day, and I know I’m free to make of it what I will. After all, that prison thing was just a dream.