Dear Tom,

My husband and I got into an argument about his friend’s wife and the fight turned ugly as usual. This time we have a newborn baby and he pushed me 3 or 4 times, screamed obscenities, broke the baby’s pack and play, and threatened to leave me. I don’t know where to go from here. I’m tired of being talked to the way I am by him. I try so hard and I give everything to him, and I need to be there for my son now. I want this perfect family and it is until I feel like this. I can’t live like this anymore!

Dear Mom,

This is serious — VERY serious. What your husband did is called “assault” and/or “spousal abuse” in most states, according to state law.

During any marriage, arguments are bound to occur and sometimes they can become intense or heated, but the argument and its intensity should never result in, nor justify, “hands on” one spouse to another.  That is just unacceptable.

Not only is it unacceptable, it also crosses a boundary that can result in you and your baby getting hurt. Not only can it cause physical harm, it can also trigger psychological distress and mental health conditions like depression and anxiety.

Sometimes spouses develop codes of conduct for disagreements. These codes or rules contain mutually agreed upon principles for disagreements or arguments, such as:

• We’ll listen to each other without interrupting, taking turns to explain how each one of us sees things.
• We won’t call each other hurtful names.
• We will NEVER touch, push, hit, shake, break things or throw things at each other.

Those are pretty basic rules and should become a mandatory part of how you and your husband talk to each other.

The fact that you mention the fight turned ugly “as usual,” and that you are “tired of being talked to this way” tells me this is something that has occurred before,  and it may even be his pattern of behavior. Listen, this is not just about  you anymore. It’s about the baby, too. This pattern of behavior will hurt your baby, physically and/or psychologically. I know you don’t want that.

So here’s what you do: IF YOU FEEL THAT IT’S SAFE, talk to your husband about what happened during the argument. Make sure you’re clear with him that pushing or ANY type of physical contact during an argument is absolutely unacceptable.

Then see if you can get him to agree to a new set of rules that apply to any and all arguments. If he’s not willing to do that — or if you feel like it’s not safe to talk to him about it — you’ve got to get into counseling right away.

If he won’t agree to no contact during arguments or to seeing a counselor, you also NEED to decide what your plans are. You have options:

• Women’s shelters can help you — Fayetteville’s Peace at Home (479-442-9811)
• NWA Women’s Shelter (479-246-9999) in Rogers
• Ozark Guidance can provide counseling too at 750-2020.

Mom – one positive note for you is that you recognize that you “don’t want to live this way.” Please don’t ignore your own gut feelings about this. Get help as soon as you can.

Best wishes to you.

Tom

Tom Petrizzo serves as CEO of Ozark Guidance and has degrees in social work and law. You can reach Ozark Guidance at 479-750-2020. Tom has spent the last 20 years managing non-profit centers in Texas, Kansas, Colorado and Arkansas. He has also served as adjunct faculty at the social work graduate program at three large universities. He’s married to Teri Classick, a licensed clinical social worker, and they have two daughters. When he’s not at work, Tom likes to jog, bike ride, read and he even belted out the National Anthem lately at a Northwest Arkansas Naturals Game!

Tom would be happy to answer your questions and read what’s on your mind. Click the butterfly icon below to fill out an anonymous submission form with your question or concern. The form contains NO identifying information and is designed to give local women an online place to share concerns with a person qualified to offer feedback. Tom will be back each month to answer another woman’s question.

Disclaimer:  This RESPONSE does not provide medical advice It is intended for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Never ignore professional medical advice in seeking treatment because of something you have read on nwaMotherlode or Ozark Guidance websites.

Dear Tom,

My 5-year-old son is very high-energy and has always been “on the go.” I always thought this was normal for boys this age. But lately I’ve had a few people ask me if he is ADHD. I dismissed the comments as rude, but last week my son’s Sunday School teacher asked me the same thing. She is also a school teacher and I value her opinion, so now I’m starting to worry. She says he just can’t sit still and focus, even for 20 minutes. He is an only child so I really don’t have any point of comparison if his ability to focus is normal or not, but it really bothers me when people assume there is something wrong with him. What should I do?

Dear Mom,

You ask an excellent question and one which occurs frequently and crosses the minds of many, many parents who have an active, high-energy child. The question or suggestion that an active boy always “on the go” may have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder or ADHD is very common. You often hear of family doctors, school nurses, teachers, family members, neighbors, and others suggesting that an active child has ADHD. There are a few things to keep in mind before assuming those suggestions are correct.

First, ADHD overlaps quite a bit with anxiety, adjustment, or changes in mood. A five-year-old child may be going through some significant changes, like starting school, beginning peer or friend relationships, learning or testing his boundaries with his parents, or comparing himself to other children (especially since he is an only child). All of these things could overlap or be contributing to behavior that looks like ADHD.

The second thing to look for is whether your son’s active, high-energy behavior is consistent over time in different structured environments. Is he acting this way at school, Sunday school, during structured playtime, mealtime, or during any other structured environment or activity? It’s important to watch how he behaves in structured settings compared to other kids his age.

The third thing to consider is whether his behavior is leading to chronic problems in day-to-day life, like frequent discipline at school, frequent time-outs, poor relationships with kids his age, and/or regular conflict and discipline at home.

If you see other active, “on-the-go” behavior in several structured environments over time and/or your son is having chronic problems in daily functioning, then find a professional who is trained in diagnosing and treating ADHD. That may be a licensed professional counselor, social worker, psychologist or psychiatrist.

Good luck to you and your son.

Tom

Tom Petrizzo serves as CEO of Ozark Guidance and has degrees in social work and law. You can reach Ozark Guidance at 479-750-2020. Tom has spent the last 20 years managing non-profit centers in Texas, Kansas, Colorado and Arkansas. He has also served as adjunct faculty at the social work graduate program at three large universities. He’s married to Teri Classick, a licensed clinical social worker, and they have two daughters. When he’s not at work, Tom likes to jog, bike ride, read and he even belted out the National Anthem lately at a Northwest Arkansas Naturals Game!

Tom would be happy to answer your questions and read what’s on your mind. Click the butterfly icon below to fill out an anonymous submission form with your question or concern. The form contains NO identifying information and is designed to give local women an online place to share concerns with a person qualified to offer feedback. Tom will be back each month to answer another woman’s question.

Disclaimer:  This RESPONSE does not provide medical advice It is intended for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Never ignore professional medical advice in seeking treatment because of something you have read on nwaMotherlode or Ozark Guidance websites.

Dear Tom,

I know there’s never a “good time” for getting a divorce, but is it wise to delay it for the kids’ benefit? My husband and I agree that we won’t stay together long-term. Our kids are in college and high school and the youngest will graduate in a year and a half. My husband wants to go forward with the divorce now, but I’d like to wait  until after our youngest graduates so we don’t mess up his senior year of school. My husband and I don’t fight and there hasn’t been any cheating, as far as I know. We’re just not in love and have been more like roommates for a while now. Should we wait or get it over with now?

Dear Mom,

You’re right – there never is a good time for a divorce. But before we get to what timing is the best, I would want you and your husband to decide for sure that a divorce is what you really want and both agree. You say you “agree you won’t stay together long-term,” but just to make sure I would recommend that you and your husband meet with a counselor to “confirm” that decision. Also, assuming you agree to go forward with a divorce, then the counselor can help you determine how and when you want to disclose that decision to your children.

Divorce is hard on a child of any age, even an adult child. However, continuing a relationship where a couple is “more like roommates” is also a factor. Children know or sense when things are not going so well between parents. Waiting to get a divorce may be as disconcerting or confusing to a child, as actually announcing that decision and moving forward.

One key factor is open communication. If you and your husband ultimately decide divorce is the course you will follow, then please make sure you communicate clearly to both of your children at the same time and ask for their input or comments. Keep communication open and continue to emphasize that the decision to divorce was not the fault or cause of your children. Even adult children will wonder what role or factor they may have had in their parents’ decision to get a divorce. Seek guidance of a counselor regarding communication with your children.

Best wishes to you.

Tom

Tom Petrizzo serves as CEO of Ozark Guidance and has degrees in social work and law. You can reach Ozark Guidance at 479-750-2020.  Tom has spent the last 20 years managing non-profit centers in Texas, Kansas, Colorado and Arkansas. He has also served as adjunct faculty at the social work graduate program at three large universities. He’s married to Teri Classick, a licensed clinical social worker, and they have two daughters. When he’s not at work, Tom likes to jog, bike ride, read and he even belted out the National Anthem lately at a Northwest Arkansas Naturals Game!

Tom would be happy to answer your questions and read what’s on your mind. Click the butterfly icon below to fill out an anonymous submission form with your question or concern. The form contains NO identifying information and is designed to give local women an online place to share concerns with a person qualified to offer feedback. Tom will be back each month to answer another woman’s question.

Disclaimer:  This RESPONSE does not provide medical advice It is intended for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Never ignore professional medical advice in seeking treatment because of something you have read on nwaMotherlode or Ozark Guidance websites.

Dear Tom,

Even though it happened a long way from here, I can’t get the Sandy Hook shooting out of my head. I have two kids in elementary school and I’m feeling very nervous when I drop them off at school. It’s getting so intense that I’m considering pulling them out to homeschool them so I can avoid this panicky feeling that someone might attack them at school. My husband says that I’m overreacting. But this feels very real to me. What should I do next?

Dear Mom:

Your concern for your children’s safety is a very normal thing. In light of the Newtown, Connecticut shooting, all parents are feeling more vulnerable and concerned about keeping their kids safe.

The question is the degree of that concern and whether that concern is getting to be so high or so intense that it impairs a mom or dad’s functioning in the common areas of their life.

You mention wanting to pull them out of school “to avoid this panicky feeling that someone might attack them at school.” What you’re experiencing is most likely an anxiety reaction to the fear that they might get hurt.

Please note that moving them to home schooling may reduce your concern, but it also might be very disruptive for them. Before you take the more drastic step of moving them to homeschooling, consider taking these steps first:

Check with your children’s elementary school on the following items:

• What is the school safety plan and how trained are school staff on executing those plans?
• How many school counselors or social workers are available?
• How often and what is the content of school training on safety and mental health awareness?
• How secure is the school building and grounds?
• Talk to your child’s teachers about your concerns and get a sense of the teacher’s level of awareness and readiness to ensure safety.

Consider the relative risk of children being hurt at school versus other public places – parks, pools, malls, etc.  No place is 100% safe.

Educate yourself on risk factors for each place and consider steps you can take to reduce that risk. Being thoughtful and pro-active will go a long way toward reducing your concern and anxiety.

Best wishes to you.

Tom

Tom Petrizzo serves as CEO of Ozark Guidance and has degrees in social work and law. You can reach Ozark Guidance at 479-750-2020.  Tom has spent the last 20 years managing non-profit centers in Texas, Kansas, Colorado and Arkansas. He has also served as adjunct faculty at the social work graduate program at three large universities. He’s married to Teri Classick, a licensed clinical social worker, and they have two daughters. When he’s not at work, Tom likes to jog, bike ride, read and he even belted out the National Anthem lately at a Northwest Arkansas Naturals Game!

Tom would be happy to answer your questions and read what’s on your mind. Click the butterfly icon below to fill out an anonymous submission form with your question or concern. The form contains NO identifying information and is designed to give local women an online place to share concerns with a person qualified to offer feedback. Tom will be back each month to answer another woman’s question.

Disclaimer:  This RESPONSE does not provide medical advice It is intended for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Never ignore professional medical advice in seeking treatment because of something you have read on nwaMotherlode or Ozark Guidance websites.