Waiting for Shlomo: Adoption’s jagged edges

By Erin, Isaac’s mama

There has been a lot of activity on the adoption front.

ACTIVITY, yes, but no matches in the end.  No baby in sight.  Let’s see.  In a one-month time frame, we have been chosen by a birth mom, and then told that the birth mom was no longer working with the agency.  Then we were told that it turned out that she had come back to our agency, and she had chosen us.  We were waiting for her paper work, (baby due in November) when we learned that she had been a “tad” dishonest in some of her information.

She told the adoption agency that this was her fourth pregnancy (I never knew the story on the other kids), and that the birth father of this pregnancy was not the same as the others.  When the agency received her medical paperwork, we found out that this was actually her SEVENTH pregnancy, and she claimed the birth father was the same for the last four (including the current pregnancy).  Fishy.  Well, who knows the reasons . . . I have never been in that situation, so I just can’t put myself there.

We did not feel great about the dishonesty, but decided to look at her information so we could make an informed decision.  Two days later, the paperwork should have been sent that day, our agency calls.  In the midst of doing background checks, our agency found out that this birth mom was also working with another adoption agency.  She had been matched with a family.  Wow!  Was she planning on taking the money from both and choosing the adoptive family at the end?  Was she planning to take the money and run?  Did she never intend to go with both agencies?  We will never know.

Our agency dropped her upon learning that information.  What a crazy ride.  I don’t feel particularly let down, because I never felt very invested in this situation.   Still, it just reminds me that adoption is tough . . . so tough.

During that same time frame, our agency contacted us about a set of twins.  Yes, twins!  Boy/girl twins – 12 weeks premature, 7 weeks old, in the hospital, doing great.  Birth mom wanted to make an adoption plan, she was not in a relationship with the birth father any longer.  Our agency did not know if they could work with her because the birth father was interested in pursuing custody.

Where we interested the agency asked?  OF COURSE!  TWINS – how wonderful, how scary, how amazing.  We would have been DONE, DONE, DONE.  I felt a strong connection to this situation.  I have always said that after Isaac’s extremely early birth, that I wanted a chance to bring home a full-term, newborn, straight from the hospital.  This got me thinking, though.  What if we were MEANT to be parents to preemies?  We certainly had the experience and the love for those amazing babies.

So, I wrote a special letter to the birth mom, telling her about our preemie experience with Isaac.  We don’t mention any of that in our profile or photo album normally shown to birth moms.  Turns out that the birth mom dropped out of the picture and the birth father pursued custody.  Our agency never ended up working with them — so sad, so disappointing.  I sure hope those babies and that dad, a person with a very troubled past I am told, find a way to be ok and love each other  . . .

Finally, I got a call about an hour ago (Wednesday morning).  It was our agency with a 4-year-old child to be placed for adoption.  Oh my God!  Well, I have said more than once that Isaac is our oldest child, our first child, and will always be.  We are not interested in having a child that is older than he is.  I just can’t imagine that situation.  I sure hope that he finds the right family . . . I know he will.

So much has happened, and yet nothing has happened.  We are feeling disgruntled and jaded with the adoption process right now.  I never want to paint a negative picture about adoption – not about agencies, lawyers, birth parents, adoptive parents, the kiddos that need loving homes, none of them!  It’s difficult, though, to go through this and not feel hardened . . . every situation we have dealt with has involved some sort of drug and/or serious alcohol use, some sort of criminal past, some sort of misinformation or downright lying.  At the same time, I can’t imagine what I would do if I were in the same situation as the amazing people that are trying to work out an adoption plan or a way to parent their kids.

I know that all they want is to live the best lives that they know how to live, and to try to do what’s best for themselves, their kids, and families.   I pray for them, and pray for us – I pray for wisdom, guidance, compassion, and empathy.  Let us all have these things, and let us all make the best decisions we can, and find the right answers in our family building decisions.

To read Erin’s previous posts, click here