My husband and I have been arguing a lot more than usual lately. The arguments are never physical but I know they are taking a toll on me and the kids, too. What can I do to help break this pattern of arguments that seem to solve nothing? How do you know the difference between normal, healthy arguments and the ones that lead to broken marriages?
Response by Ozark Guidance Clinical Director Jared Sparks, LCSW, PhD
Those are great questions and no doubt ones other readers have. The fact that you’re recognizing that these arguments are not productive may be an indicator that the communication is not entirely healthy. The fact that you’re noticing that this is taking a toll not only on you but also the children also points to the stress the arguments are placing on all of these close relationships.
The definition of normal is a bit up for grabs. But if you’re both willing to work on better ways of communicating, this can be an opportunity to strengthen your relationship. It does NOT have to lead inevitably to a broken marriage.
You mentioned that there has been a recent increase in frequency of the arguments. The reasons for that can be varied. It may point to some new or worsening stressor or change in the environment (good or bad). It can also happen when healthy ways of resolving problems were not learned in the family we grew up in. Over time and in stress, people can fall back on unhealthy communication styles that are more familiar.
To effectively communicate, there have to be some basic skills. To begin with, each person has to know how to listen and relate back their understanding of the issue. However, as you may already know, learning better ways of communicating, while at the same time navigating through difficult family situations, can be really challenging.
In terms of what you can do to break out of negative arguments that don’t solve anything, I would recommend that you find a marriage and family therapist who can guide you. It’s important that, as a family, you set some ground rules about how to discuss these issues before trying to resolve them. This is going to likely include some work on being able to identify early on when these conversations are eliciting strong emotional reactions…before things get out of hand.
It’s going to involve identifying what is absolutely out of bounds in these communications…things like name calling and threatening. Strategies like using “I” statements rather than “you” can help with this (i.e. “I feel angry” instead of “you make me mad.”) It may include setting limits on the time and space for talking about difficult subjects. There should also be some agreed upon plans for how each of you cope with anger during or after conflict…and respecting each other’s plan.
You were also asking how to tell the difference between healthy and damaging arguments. There is no doubt that all couples do at times argue, and in the heat of things people can say very hurtful things. Having this as a “norm” obviously is not healthy. Having arguments about the same thing without ever generating new solutions or making progress is not healthy. Identifying that you are seeing a change in behavior of your children in response to these arguments is also an indicator. Children can react in a variety of ways including becoming more withdrawn or acting out. Kids will likely pick up on these unhealthy communication styles and use them themselves down the road if they have not already.
It may be cliché, but the fact that you’re noticing a problem is a huge first step. You obviously already have a good foundational awareness and willingness to work for change. Marriage and Family Therapy can build on this and hopefully provide some relief and the potential for you all to grow into a healthier and happier family. Good luck and thank you for the great questions.
Therapists at Ozark Guidance would be happy to answer your questions and read what’s on your mind. Click the butterfly icon below to fill out an anonymous submission form with your question or concern. The form contains NO identifying information and is designed to give local women an online place to share concerns with a person qualified to offer feedback.
Disclaimer: This RESPONSE does not provide medical advice It is intended for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Never ignore professional medical advice in seeking treatment because of something you have read on nwaMotherlode or Ozark Guidance websites.
