By Jade Stone
And it begins: The countdown to deployment. Jay was talking nonchalantly the other day about our insurance changing soon because we were within the 180 day mark of active duty. It caught me so off guard- I didn’t realize it was so close but I suppose June is really not that far away.
We will be getting new ID cards soon and our insurance will be changing anytime without notice (which is always fun). It won’t be long now before he will begin the process of updating his will and signing over his Power of Attorney to me.
I have always felt as if a heavy dense fog has just settled around me, completely sucking the air out of my life after being granted such authority.
I would never abuse it as many wives often do. However, to me, it just re-engrains the fear of the “what ifs” which I have been trying desperately to avoid.
The realization of the countdown only compounded the other phenomenon that was secretly occurring under my nose. Last week was incredibly stressful, or so I thought. Looking back, I can’t say that it was really any worse than the average week but it just felt like Jay and I weren’t connecting at all. After giving that some thought this weekend, I realized this has actually been true for a couple of weeks now.
It dawned on me that I was beginning to separate myself from him, again. I remember all too clearly going through this the last time he deployed. No matter how hard I tried to plan opportunities to spend time together, for some reason, it always felt very distant and flat. I can’t explain it. The counselor in me would say “Well, that’s natural. You are preparing for him to leave and trying to limit the heartbreak you suffer by slowly weaning yourself away from the relationship”.
Sadly, I already understand what it is and why, but I absolutely can’t prevent it from happening no matter how hard I try. I believe wholeheartedly that on a subconscious level, there is a part of me beginning to pull away because I know the immense heartbreak yet to come. It’s like a bad train wreck-you can see it coming, you can watch it happen, and you can’t do a thing about it but stare.
Please don’t misunderstand-this doesn’t mean I love my husband any less, by any means. I love him so much that it hurts sometimes, which is what makes this so difficult. He and I have talked about it. In many ways he believes he sees it in himself.
I’m not mourning the loss of him at all, just the loss of time spent with him. That’s something I will probably never fully get used to. It’s no different today than it was the day we met — I have always felt my place was next to him, just as his place was with me. He and I both know we will battle this until he leaves and though it is hard to endure, it reassures us both how very important we are to each other.
How will we cope for the next 6 months, you might ask? Well, lots of patience with one another, frequent conversations acknowledging the problem, and lots of grace afforded one to the other. I suppose knowing what’s going on and understanding it goes a long way in helping us see through it.
It’s good to know we are not really “growing apart” but rather going into protection mode to help with a clean break when he leaves. While we are careful not to actually grow apart, we also understand that as much as we hate it, it’s just another part of the process, and believe me, this countdown is very much a process to be taken one day at a time!
Jade welcomes your comments here as well as any suggestions you may have for her future posts. You may also e-mail her at akajadestone@yahoo.com. To read previous Military Mama posts, CLICK HERE.
