By Kim Blakely, Mojo’s conflicted mama
This may come as a surprise, but … I’m feeling conflicted.
Even if you’re not surprised, I am.
For two and a half years I thought I would be thrilled to get a positive pregnancy test. And I was … except that I was worried about whether the pregnancy would stick.
And then I thought I would be thrilled to get through the first ultrasound and know that there was actually a baby growing – and growing in the right place.
And I was … except that I wondered if the baby would keep growing through those critical first few weeks.
I held my breath through the second scan at about eight weeks, and then through my first ob/gyn appointment a couple of weeks later, and finally through the nuchal translucency scan at 12 weeks. All went well, and I even got a call from the perinatologist’s office last week about the accompanying blood screen, which also looks decent.
And yet, I feel like I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I know any number of things could still go wrong, dashing my hopes of adding to our family. I want so badly to have this baby, safe and sound in our home. I love her/him already … even though I still have trouble believing that she/he is truly coming just yet.
At the same time, I worry about what I might be taking away by adding another baby. I look at Mojo and I find myself thinking: “What have I done?! You’re changing his life forever! He’ll hate you for this!”
Now I wait for the big ultrasound in early January, and I tell myself that once that’s behind me this pregnancy will feel more real and I can start to adjust to the idea of being a family of four and that I can finally align all these feelings into one positive, heartfelt and all-encompassing rush.
Maybe all this isn’t so uncommon after a bout of infertility. Maybe it’s not even so uncommon for moms-to-be of second children.
I guess I should just take comfort – for now – in the fact that millions and trillions of women have gone through all this before me, and that most of them (and their children) have muddled through. I think I will, too. I hope.
