Waiting for Shlomo: Hanging On

By Erin, adopting mama blogger

It’s been almost four months since my Mom died.

It has not gotten any easier, and I’ve just been too tired and too sad to write. What am I going to write about anyway? There is nothing happening with the adoption, nothing to say except that I am sad, depressed, exhausted, anxious, and irritable.

I’ve talked with our agency a lot lately. We had a long conversation just to make sure we were all on the same page and on track when we hit our one year mark for waiting. Our profile remains active – birth moms see it weekly – and it has been presented about six times in the past month – the birth moms went with other families – no reason “why”, just that gut feeling that makes things seem right – that family was RIGHT, not ours. We MIGHT have a situation looking good for late fall, but that seems so far away that I can hardly even think about it, let alone get my hopes up.

I really want to continue to write this blog, but for now, I just don’t have anything to contribute or anything to say. I am seriously grieving. I have a lot of responsibility for my Dad. I am trying to stay out of a black hole. I am loving my husband and my son, but having a hard time giving them all they need and deserve. I am waiting for Shlomo, but so scared that I won’t be the kind of Mom I want to be while I am this sad and broken.

Hopefully next week I will be able to put some of my feelings out there. For now – just send out that healing energy and those prayers. I need them.