By Gwen Rockwood, newspaper columnist and mama of 3
August has baggage. And I’m not just talking about the oppressive heat and the swamp-level humidity. The month begins with the last dregs of summer and ends with an espresso shot of back-to-school busyness. If August were a movie, I’d fast-forward the unpleasant parts until I reached September’s milder temps and football games.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not anti-August. A few of my favorite people were born in August, and the tomatoes and watermelons can’t be beat this time of year. And if the last month of summer wasn’t absurdly hot, we probably wouldn’t appreciate the cooler breeze rustling through lovely leaves in the fall.
But for me, this is also the month that my college kids will move back to their apartments, friends, and busy schedules. When August is over, my time with them at home will be over, too. And even though I should’ve adjusted to the empty nest by now, I got spoiled during these past few delicious months of having them close. The summer break was just long enough to make me dread the parting all over again.
So I’m talking myself through August with one crucial phrase: “necessary and uncomfortable.” We all have things we don’t want to do or face. And because humans are hard-wired to avoid things that hurt, we often find ourselves knee-deep in dread — that pebble-in-your-shoe unease that reminds you it’s there with every step you take.
But the thing about dread is that the more you do it, the bigger it gets. What starts as a pebble becomes a boulder if we dwell on it too much. But advice like “Just put it out of your mind” is wasted on me. How exactly is that possible? My mind is remarkably good at sensing when a difficult day is stalking toward me.
So instead, I’m trying to acknowledge that whatever I’m dreading will probably be hard, sad, scary, or all three. Accept it right up front and then call it what it is — necessary and uncomfortable. We’ve all handled difficult situations in the past, so we’re experienced, right? And sometimes those hard things become the bridge that leads to something better.
This morning, I read a newsletter from the writer George Saunders, who answered a reader’s question about how to handle frustration and discouragement when a writing project isn’t going well. In his answer, Saunders wrote that “the obstructions are part of it.” The terrible first draft is as much a part of the process as the finished work.
He went on to share some wisdom from a Buddhist teacher named Rinpoche, who once described the concept of patience in this way: “Patience is knowing there will be problems.” There’s something simple yet so powerful about that line.
When my kids were little, I always packed an extra set of clothes because living with toddlers taught me that things could get messy so quickly. When it inevitably happened, I didn’t freak out because I’d already factored in the possible pitfalls and knew how to recover. That’s what I need to do this time, too. Trust myself to handle a mess, even when that mess is me.
So bring it on, August. Bring the ripe tomatoes, the heat wave, and the icky trickle of back sweat. Bring us a few more fun days with our kids, followed by the necessary but uncomfortable moments when they pack up and move away again. Joy, sadness, serenity, and struggle are all woven into the same fabric, and a few of those seams will feel rough now and then. I can handle it, and so can you, dear reader.
May we all pack our patience.
Gwen Rockwood is a syndicated freelance columnist. Email her at gwenrockwood5@gmail.com. Her book is available on Amazon.