Mom Burn-Out: Following the Sticky Notes -

By Vikki Spencer, MomWhisperer.com

Several months ago a friend and I are eating quiche at World Garden in Bentonville and I confess, “Jennifer, I think I’m a wimpy woman. I’ve just hit a wall and I have no good reason why.”

Jennifer, my unfailing advocate says, “Actually, I think you’re very strong. I think it’s worse when strong women burn out because they have taken more than the average woman can.”

“I’m not a wimp?”

“You’re not a wimp.”

“I’m burned out? But there’s no defining stressor, no huge reason…”

“Can’t life just wear you down and that be enough?”

I don’t like to complain or admit limits. But, in my head, I rolled around the thought of being a strong woman and experiencing “burn out”. I realized there had to be a gift in admitting burn out, so I began to look. It’s like life gave me tiny sticky notes attached to the wall that life was flattened against. They all began to reveal that I needed to insert myself into life, not just conquer it. Here’s what 3 of the sticky notes said.

The Yellow Sticky Note: Strategic “no’s” and “yes-es”

Although I consider myself the queen of “no”, I had to reconsider strategically using it for things that I personally loved or didn’t love. “No, we’re not baking 6 different kinds of Christmas cookies this year.” “No, I can’t handle a sleepover with 2 friends tonight.” No, I can’t deal with the drama of a particular friendship right now, maybe later.

On the flip side, I began to honor myself by putting a limit on my “yes” list: “Yes, I would love to help out. The best I can do is once a month, will that work for you?” “Yes, I would love to meet for coffee, I only have one hour.”

Within 2 weeks, I began to peel myself off the wall.

The Pink Sticky Note: Leverage Strengths

At the time of my quiche conversation my life wasn’t “stressful” on the outside looking in. So I wondered, “If I’m not necessarily stressed, what would make me feel burned out?” One answer was that although my efficiency was enviable, my life just didn’t reflect me. At all. I went along with everyone’s plans, with everyone’s desire to go out, or get ferried here or there, have this sleep over and go watch that sports game.

I made a list of things I personally loved. It included Chinese, Thai and Indian food. It included sight seeing to new places, craft stores and book stores. It ended with green tea at night before bed.

Within 3 weeks our family was sitting in an authentic Indian restaurant in Rogers ordering the curry lamb and rice dish because I actually cared where we ate on our one night out a week.

The Blue Sticky Note: Path of Least Resistance

This one came from the eye doctor as I had my once every four year check up. The result? “Your eyes are overworked. They try to do too much. They don’t see clearly, so the muscles keep working until they get it right. By the end of the day, they are exhausted.” Hel-looooooooooo!

So, I had to identify where the daily places that I pushed through and if it was non-negotiable, how could I do it smarter instead of harder. One small change that restored my evenings was to reinstate my habit of cooking double batches and freezing them. One night off (or more) a week from cooking was a game changer. I replaced my 15 minute nightly routine of cleaning my clothes off the floor, ensuring the kitchen was clean, and de-cluttering the mail every night. For now, it’s once a week. Once a week. For this season, regrouping from burn out became more important than proving I could do it all. I already proved that. Now I had to heal from it with a hot cup of green tea before bed instead.

No one in my family questioned the few family “tweaks” or made guilt-inducing comments. They were really glad I was tending to myself without shirking family responsibilities. Although it required a little sacrifice, they were glad to share in the adventure that I brought to our lives. Indian restaurants and bath stores were definitely new adventures.

As strong mommas, burn out almost seems like a cop out. Often we don’t feel we can afford the luxury of saying “I’ve hit the wall.” But it may save the quality of our lives. The sticky notes have taught me that burn out comes with gifts of life lessons with the larger theme of inserting my self, my strengths, and my limits into a family that loves me.

Everyone’s lessons will be different, but when we admit we’re near “burn out” the sticky notes begin to appear if we just look for them.

2010 by V. Spencer