All Akimbo: Tomorrow is D-day!

By Kim Blakely, Motherlode mama blogger

Am I ready?

I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard that question in the last couple of weeks.

At 5:30 tomorrow morning, I will report to labor and delivery at the hospital, and a mere two hours later I will have a c-section. Then, God-willing, I will finally meet the child I’ve been longing for for almost three years.

But am I ready? The short answer – the one I usually give when asked – is that yes, her clothes are washed, her room is (for the most part) ready, we have diapers and wipes and a carseat and all the other basics as well as various not-so-basics.

But actually, I’m not sure I am ready. I am reticent, eager, anxious, terrified … I am a mishmash of (hormonal?) feelings. That’s normal, right?

At the risk of sounding whiny, I’ll say that I am most decidedly uncomfortable – huge, still on some sort of orders to take it easy because of the possibility that my blood pressure will soar, uncomfortable because of the medication I’m taking to help make sure that doesn’t happen, achy (I do not think I have ever experienced such crotch and hip pain. Ever.) …

And yet, I am a little sad that this pregnancy is so close to coming to an end. It will, in most likelihood be my last, and with its end will come the end of my exclusive one-on-one time with this little girl. When she’s born, I will have to share her with the world. I know that seems selfish, but for several months now we have shared secret nudges and hiccups galore. I have only needed to be still and watch my belly roll to know with relative certainty that she is healthy and safe in there. If I really think about it, I think I’m sad because I realize that from birth on out, she will be barreling toward independence and as much as I want her to become a strong, self-assured woman I want nothing more right now than for her to be my precious little girl. You all know – it just goes by so fast!

Still, I simply cannot wait to meet her. I want to know what she’ll look like, what she’ll sound like, what she’ll be like. I can’t wait to see her personality develop and to learn what makes her laugh or cry, to hear and see all the funny things she’ll say and do. And as much as I’m enjoying having her to myself, I’m thrilled at the prospect of being able to introduce the glorious creature I know she’ll be to the rest of the world.

Finally, I’m worried about the effect bringing home baby will have on my bigger baby. I think Mojo will be a great big brother, but we have always had a very close relationship and I know the dynamics will change, for better or worse. And then there’s the anticipation of watching him bond with his sister. I don’t know when that will happen but I’m pretty sure it will, and it will make everything else worthwhile.

The last few weeks have been tough. My mom has been here to take care of us while I stay put, like my doctor says, and I’m eternally grateful to her for coming to our rescue and making it possible for me to stay pregnant these few crucial weeks longer. It’s been a little painful, though, for me to watch Mojo turn away from me in favor of his Mimi. I’m glad they have such a close relationship and that he has people who love him taking care of him right now. I know he’s OK, that he’s happy and secure, and if I didn’t have that assurance it would be impossible for me to relax. But he sometimes seems to forget I exist, and who could blame him? I’m just a lump – I can’t run or jump or dance right now, some of his favorite things in the world just now. I just think I was putting so much emphasis on this last stretch of our togetherness that I feel let down that it didn’t happen at all like I wanted.

Underneath all these conflicted emotions, there is optimism, too.

Something I can’t put into words makes me feel like this will all be just as wondrous as I imagined it would be through all the past years’ infertility struggles.

(Deep breath …)

OK, I think I’m ready.