Slightly Tilted: The Devil Made Swimsuits

By Jen Adair, Blogger at Slightly Tilted, Entreprenuer, Homeschool Mom to two fab kiddos

Three things I know for certain beyond a shadow of a doubt:

  • Swimsuits are from the devil.
  • Cellulite is from the hoard of demons he surrounds himself with.
  • Dressing room mirrors and lighting are a direct result of gym owners and supplement manufacturers who are trying to drum up business.

Don’t even bother arguing – you all know it’s true.

I am not a prude by any stretch of the imagination. I mean, I can wear stiletto heels with the best of them. {I can’t walk in them, but I can stand there for a few seconds without falling over.} I can no swimsuit bikinirock bright red lips. I can even wear a strapless dress if I wear a padded strapless bra and Spanx.

But…swimsuits. Hate ’em.

I don’t hate them on other people. I just hate them on me.

First of all, there is a lot of white, dimply skin showing. A lot. It’s blinding, really. I don’t really want my neighbors to see me in my underwear, so why am I wearing basically just my undies to the pool?

Secondly, I can’t afford to continually apply sunscreen to all parts of my body every 30 minutes. I do not tan. I burn or freckle almost immediately upon sun exposure. I estimate that it would cost about $1.2 million dollars to buy all the sunscreen I need for one summer. Roughly.

margarita 200Thirdly, I want to enjoy my time at the pool or beach. I don’t want to worry about my cellulite or critique my grooming style all day long. I just want someone to pass me a margarita.

Now, let me say that this has nothing to do with other people. I am not criticizing you or judging your toned thighs in your string bikini. I am not. I am simply uncomfortable wearing a bathing suit. Always have been, always will be.

Don’t get me wrong. I swim. I play. I have a good time. I just don’t want my booty hanging out while I’m doing it.

Do I wear a bikini? No, I do not.

Do I wear a one piece? No, I do not.

I wear swim shorts and a tankini top, and I don’t feel like I’m an old lady muttering about how it’s almost four in the afternoon and I need to get washed up for dinner. I just feel…comfortable.

I’m a lot more fun when I’m wearing what I’m comfortable wearing. Just ask my kids.

Is mom in pajamas? Yay! Fun day at home with mom!

Is mom wearing anything that has to be buttoned, zipped, or ironed? Boo. Mom has a meeting and will be rushing us out the door soon.

Whether you wear a bikini or a mu-mu, I think we can all agree it’s best to be comfortable in what you’re wearing and that all dressing rooms need to get rid of fluorescent lighting immediately.


jen adair3Hey. I’m Jen Adair. I’m an entrepreneur. Homeschool mom. CEO of organized chaos. Ok – it’s really not all that organized. Some days are great, some are not, some days I feel invincible, some days I can barely get out of bed. BUT…it’s my life and I’m living it. Browse my collection of random thoughts, humor (well, I think I’m funny!), images, links, whatever…at my blog Slightly Tilted. Sharing is caring, people! 🙂