OK, this one’s a touchy subject, but inquiring moms want to know … about cheating. Our panel of husbands (whose identities will remain anonymous for their privacy) have stepped up to the plate to answer the tough questions just like this one:
Q: My husband just bought some new clothes, is not as interested in a physical relationship with me lately and seems “cold.” This has been happening for a few months. Could he be cheating?
GRAY: Is he or isn’t he? If you’re asking this it could be too late. The sad part about this question is it usually means there have already been violations of trust in the relationship. Likely, details the two of you used to pay attention to have eroded and your conversations, once intimate, are now generic or possibly curt and angry. So the answer is: yes, changes in appearance or attire and a sudden loss of intimacy are both possible indicators of infidelity.
But before you shout “cheater”, make sure he’s just not replacing a ripped shirt or has had an onset of diabetes. People who have affairs usually exhibit more than just those two traits. Look for other signs like long hours away from home, not answering your phone calls or changes in what and whom he talks.
But how do you really know? There are lots of ways to figure it out, everything from unexplained credit card expenses and odd or deleted numbers on his cell phone to changes in car mileage and behavior. Or you can go high tech and track him with a GPS device hidden in the car or log his keystrokes on the computer. No doubt there are countless cunning ways to catch even the sneakiest man, but I think you will know the answer in your heart before you can prove it to your eyes.
I can’t begin to fathom all the reasons people cheat, but it seems to me that a good way to prevent it is to keep the lines of communication open. Be as interested in each other as you were when you started dating. The more intimately you know each other, the easier it is to spot signs of trouble before they manifest themselves in ways that can irreparably damage a relationship.
MAVERICK: To be honest, any man could always be cheating no matter what the outward signs are. The same could be said for any woman. Still, what you have here, when these three warning signs appear all at once, is a real red flag . Any one of these actions taken on its own, could be explained away. But together, well, they’re bad news.
This advice assumes things were going pretty well before the idea of his cheating popped into your head and that there have been no other MAJOR stress factors like a job loss or financial troubles, a new child or a death in the family.
Most men, excluding the rare straight guys who are natural clothes horses, buy new duds for specific reasons. Stuff like job interviews; a change in size — “I’m too fat to fit in my work pants.”; to keep up with richer, younger or more stylish buddies; or a change of seasons.
If a guy just goes out on his own and starts buying new stuff across the board, it’s likely he’s trying to impress somebody. If you eliminate job, and you eliminate his pals, well the next logical step is women or a specific woman. Sounds like trouble.
If a guy is not interested in a physical relationship, in most cases something is really wrong. This does not apply to men who have always been less amorous or who are sorta neutral on the subject. I’m told there are fellas who can take sex or leave it. I guess I believe they do exist, but I also believe in unicorns. But if your guy has shown a healthy interest in sex in the past and it suddenly drops off and stays in the basement — well in the words of the robot from Lost in Space — “Danger Will Robinson!! Danger!!” Men like sex. If they don’t want it they’ve started to think of you in other than sexual terms or they’re REALLY thinking about somebody else in sexual terms. Both situations are bad news.
The fact that he “seems cold” can appear minor but it really is the worse symptom of all. A guy who was once loving and caring and generous with his feelings who starts to shut down emotionally is likely doing it for two reasons. The first is because he’s trying to distance himself from you — because he’s emotionally checked out and is ready to find somebody new to be warm to.
Second reason is a variation on that theme — he’s just found somebody else to be warm with and you’re simply left out in the cold. This advice is predicated on the assumption things have been going well between you when you notice this stuff happening. If you make a habit of say, undermining him around his family or friends, or using sex as a weapon, or crushing his hopes and dreams, well these sort of symptoms likely would and should exist without an actual affair going on.
Barring that though, I have to say these behaviors, in combination, are nearly a sure sign he’s cheating or that he’s actively considering doing so. I’d hire a private detective and find out.
JON: Boy, have the questions grown tougher since “What do guys think about Valentine’s Day?” I have pondered this for quite a while. My gut feeling is yes. I think you believe it is a real possibility or you wouldn’t have asked. Here’s a test. Send him something romantic at work, but don’t sign it or mention it. If he tells you thanks, I think you are probably ok. If he doesn’t, you know something is amiss. I assume anything I get comes via my wife. No one else would send me such things. I pray that I am wrong, but guys don’t refuse getting physical.
