By Gwen Rockwood, Northwest Arkansas newspaper columnist and mom of 3
We should talk about that ugly, four-lettered F-word — fear. I’m not proud of it, but fear and I spend a lot of time together. It’s the longest, most toxic relationship I’ve ever been in, yet here I am — still trying to break it off.
For anxious people, every day is Halloween, minus the Skittles. Our doom radar is always on, always watching for signs that tragedy is at the door. It’s an exhausting way to live, and most of us know it’s entirely irrational. But sometimes even the slightest possibility of something bad happening is all it takes to suck us back into the deep end.
You know those scary movie marathons on TV that happen every year in October? They’re nothing compared to the customized horrors my own mind can produce on a moment’s notice, without invitation. My brain can turn an unanswered text into an abduction, a 10-minute delay into a fiery car crash, and a weird symptom into a medical death sentence. Anxiety whips up a worst-case scenario faster than you can say “paranoid.”
For the record, no one with fear-inducing anxiety wants to be this way. Mostly, we don’t talk about it because we know it sounds ridiculous. We don’t want to scan for signs of trouble, but it often feels like a reflex — as automatic as our next breath.
We really do wish we could “just relax,” as so many well-meaning people often suggest. (If it were as simple as that, we promise we would’ve already done it.) And yes, we feel shame about what our anxious thoughts make some people assume about our faith. That’s another reason we keep it to ourselves.
But since I’ve dragged my neuroses out in the open, I’ll share a few things I keep close and re-read when fear gets loud.
“Worrying, obsessing, and controlling are illusions. They are tricks we play on ourselves… We do what we can to solve problems, and then we stop fretting and stewing. If we’ve done what we can, we learn to live with or in spite of the problem. And we try to live happily, focusing heroically on what is good in our lives today and feeling grateful for that… We stop creating chaos in our minds.” (Melody Beattie)
“Overthinking is mental cardio with no finish line. It feels productive because your brain mistakes rumination for control, but what you’re really doing is feeding cortisol and adrenaline to a system that thinks it’s solving a problem, but it’s really just spinning its wheels, and that’s not thinking. It’s rehearsing fear.” (Michael Hunter)
“We suffer more in imagination than in reality.” (Seneca)
“There is nothing worth doing that is not scary. There is no one who has achieved greatness who has not wrestled with their own doubts, anxieties, limitations, and demons. (Ryan Holiday)
“You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair.” (Martin Luther, or maybe a Chinese proverb? The internet isn’t sure.)
That last quote hit me hard but also made me laugh because I think I’ve been running a hair hotel for dozens of birds over the years. It’s past time to kick them out. Maybe peace isn’t something that just happens. Maybe we get it when we stop working so hard to protect ourselves from life itself.
As we head into the next big holiday, here’s hoping you still have some leftover peanut butter cups, fun-size Twix bars, and — most of all — a big ol’ pile of peace.
Gwen Rockwood is a syndicated freelance columnist. Email her at gwenrockwood5@gmail.com. Her book is available on Amazon.