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Inside His Head: My husband hates it when my best friend calls

April 26, 2013 by

insidehishead2

As women, we often wonder: What was he thinking?! That’s why, every month, we ask our panel of husbands (whose identities will remain anonymous for their privacy and to keep them from getting into trouble with their wives) to help answer the tough questions and give us the straight scoop on how guys really think.

Here’s the newest dilemma:

Dear Inside His Head,

My husband has started asking me not to answer the phone if he notices that it’s my best friend calling. He knows I’ll probably be on the phone for at least an hour with her, talking about what’s going on in her life right now. I want to be supportive of my friend, but this is causing tension between my husband and me. He says she’s “too dramatic” and always has a problem. I’m not sure how to handle this one. Any advice?

GRAY: Ah, the friend who telephoned wolf. Who isn’t familiar with this story? I’d suggest starting by looking at their problems and considering whether they are or are not problems.

Though suffering is a relative concept, is your friend is the type whose day is ruined from a broken nail or is she seeking refuge from an abusive husband? Sometimes people simply need someone to complain to, which isn’t the same as having a problem. If she does have a problem, ask yourself if it’s something you can do anything about. If you can help, work toward a solution and don’t languish in the issue.

If you can’t help your friend then ask yourself what role you’re playing. We all need someone who will be a good ear or shoulder from time to time, but some people are seemingly never satisfied with a single day of their life. If your friend is in this final category then you might be able to help them more by not listening to them whine and encouraging them to find meaningful pursuits.

Rather than endure hours of complaints, make time to do something that will give you both a happy memory to talk about instead. I’m sure your husband be happier with a “girls’ night out” instead of hearing the din of “wolf….wolf” all the time.

Even if the two of you weren’t doing anything important, your husband may be offended if he feels like you’re dropping him because your friend’s crying over the cake she just burnt. I don’t recommend airing dirty laundry, but if your friend is dealing with serious issues then it might help your husband if he understood at least type of situation with which your friend is coping. Knowing he’s not being overlooked for a bad case of split ends will go a long way.

Finally, if your friend has problems that look more like a wolf in sheep’s clothing don’t be afraid to direct them to people who can make a difference. Friends sometimes feel like they can carry the weight of their friends’ problems even if they’re in way over their head. Whether it’s financial, psychological or situational, professionals are out there and able to assist. You can sometimes be a better friend by letting someone else help in ways you are unable.

generichead-1MICHAEL: The answer isn’t to not answer the phone. But you should set limits on how long you talk. Your friend is being rude an inconsiderate to monopolize your time. You can be supportive of your friend without disrupting your home life. Being supportive doesn’t mean listening to someone ramble for an hour about their problems.

If this happens on a regular basis you really have to let your friend know when you answer the phone that you can only talk for a few minutes.

You might also set up a certain time of week that you two talk so you can have a longer conversation.

You can take the call in another room so as not to make your husband listen in. Then when the call is over snuggle up with your husband and don’t complain about anything your friend has said ;)

MAVERICK: Since you say he just started, I have to assume he’s been pretty patient with the friend who calls for free psychiatric advice (Even Lucy charged 5 cents) and your need to be super-supportive for long, long, long blocks of time.

An hour is a long time, likely it’s even more because you likely lose track of time while she vents and you play shrink. Unless he’s a control freak your husband is simply trying to tell you he resents the time you spend with your friend at the expense of spending time together. For men, sitting and watching TV in the same room or pretty much doing anything is togetherness. You, in the other room playing Dr. Phil for hours on end, is not.

Let’s try some role reversal. You’d likely be pretty bugged if one of your husband’s buddies randomly came over in the evening, with great regularity, and your hubby got up to talk with him for over an hour while they tossed back some beers.

But wait you say, your situation is totally different …  Are you sure it is?

If your friend needs the help and you want to spend the time and think it’s important to let her talk and for you to listen the solution is simple: quit doing it on your husband’s time.

When your friend calls, unless she sounds like she’s about to jump off a bridge, tell her to call you back, say at lunch, or anytime it doesn’t interfere with your family life. If that bugs her, well tough. You can spend the next hour-long yack session discussing how, besides being dramatic and needy, she’s also way too selfish.

Filed Under: Front Page Posts, Inside His Head, SLIDER

Inside His Head: Trouble at the family dinner table

March 20, 2013 by

insidehishead2

Ever wondered what goes on inside the male mind? Have no idea what your husband is thinking sometimes? Yep, we get it. That’s why we asked three local husbands to tell us what goes on inside their heads (anonymously) so we mamas can all get a little more insight. Enjoy.

Dear Inside His Head:

My husband and I grew up in very different families. His family never talked at the dinner table and our dinners were loud and boisterous (and fun). I want my three kids to enjoy meals together, but he wants them to be quiet and eat their food. This sounds minor, but it is causing a huge conflict in our marriage. Do you have any advice for resolving this?

Thank you.

greg1.thumbnailGRAY: It does sound minor. I’m having trouble with this being a “huge” conflict unless it represents a larger issue. If I were to guess, I’d say he doesn’t necessarily mind if they’re happy, but might be seeing loud and boisterous as a display of lack of discipline or respect.

Figure out what time around the table means to both of you. For you it may be a time to celebrate the family and talk about the activities of the day, but he may only see kids playing with the food, minutes away from launching spoon catapults of mashed potatoes at each other.

He may see the food as an extension of himself – purchased by his hard work – and when he sees his son wearing the spaghetti as a mustache he can only see a lack of respect, not earnest fun. Maybe he just wants a few minutes of peace (who doesn’t?) with his family.

Find the common ground. You may see his ways as austere and he may think you’d rather dine in a zoo, but there must be common ground.

A good practice is to talk about your highs and lows of the day. It gives everyone a way to share joys and concerns in a way that’s meaningful, yet orderly. He may warm to the idea if talk around the table doesn’t mean everyone yelling over each other. After all, if you’re listening you’ve got plenty of time to eat.

If it’s a discipline issue, take a look at how often he corrects the children. Is “wait until your father comes home” said often? If he is (or at least feels like) the disciplinarian of the family then chaos at dinner looks like burden to him and not like a respite he can share with all of you. Worst of all, he might see you as an enabler, practically winding the children up for battle instead of helping him keep the peace.

Even if you don’t completely see eye-to-eye about why you’re doing it, take some time to be thankful. Sitting down together as a family to eat is wonderful. Don’t let personal differences tear it apart. It’s one of the best practices a family can do together.

MICHAEL: Everyone has a different idea of fun. I actually fall somewhere in the middle on this. Loud and boisterous strikes me as rude.

If you teach the children that its ok to act that way during meals at home then they’re likely to act the same way at meals taken at a restaurant. Trust me, no one likes those families.

However, to enforce total silence during a meal is at the opposite end of the spectrum. Mealtime provides one of the  few times that we all can get together without phones, iPods, and televisions(you do turn those all off, right?) and have conversations about what’s going on in everyone’s life.

I encourage you to find a middle ground. Polite conversation at a respectable volume is perfectly acceptable at the dinner table.

MAVERICK: Where did your husband grow up, a monastery? Where did you grow up, a frat house? This situation seems to simply scream for compromise.

It seems a reasonable amount of table conversation is warranted. Somewhere between total silence and Animal House.

table mannersYour husband clearly can’t object to that unless he’s a total control freak. You shouldn’t object unless your really covering for the fact you’ve raised a troop of baboons with no manners.

Everyone in the family deserves to eat their dinner in relative peace. No one should not have to deal with a lot of nuttiness while they try to enjoy their meal.

Basic conversation and sharing is perfectly acceptable. Some laughter and joking should be encouraged. Screaming, loudness for loudness sake, greediness and general jerkiness should be unwelcome at the family table and children should not be allowed to get away with such antics.

You’ll also be doing your children a huge favor. A lot of kids today don’t know how to act at a dinner table. Their manners are poor and sense of decorum simply does not exist.

How to behave at the table is something children should learn at home. And they should be mannerly not because “It’s the rule” but because it’s how decent, civilized humans behave toward each other.

So cooperate. Have reasonable expectations. And both of you enjoy your dinner.

Got a question for the guys? Email it to mamas{at}nwamotherlode{dot}com. To read previous Inside His Head Q & As, click here.

Filed Under: Front Page Posts, Inside His Head

Inside His Head: Wife finds ‘questionable’ email in husband’s account

February 21, 2013 by

insidehishead2

Dear Inside His Head,

I found a questionable email from my husband’s female co-worker when I was on his account the other day. I was looking for a deal coupon to print out, but couldn’t resist looking at his other emails, too. He might be mad that I read other emails, but I’m mad that this woman is flirting with him on his personal email. There’s no telling what she’s doing at work.

Please advise.

GRAY: That you came across this email is probably proof nothing more serious is going on with the woman in question. How does that make sense? If he had something to hide it’s unlikely you would have stumbled upon it to begin with. Unless he’s a tad on the slow side, if he was really serious about going after someone he’d probably be more aware about covering his tracks.

Some folks are flirty by nature and their advances mean nothing. Flirting in the office probably isn’t the best behavior to engage in, yet it’s commonplace. So why does she have his personal email? It’s been my experience that having such information is more common than not. The line between work and home has been increasingly blurred as technology advances.

So you shouldn’t be mad. Right? Well…no. I think you’re completely within your right to be upset. If I were in your shoes I’d simply ask who this so-and-so is who’s acting so friendly. Most likely it’ll be something completely innocent – like the feisty 73-year old from payroll – and you’ll both be left with a good laugh

Even if the woman has genuine intentions, it could be that he’s tolerating her behavior to keep things diplomatic knowing she’ll have her eye caught by someone else next week. And he may not want to cause hard feelings over such a non-issue. You’ll never know until you ask him. So ask!

Will he be mad that you looked at his email? Please. We know how you women are. I think we just assume you read and monitor these things as a strange way of showing your affection. It’s great that you came up with the cover story about the coupon though :)

MAVERICK: The fact that you found out about the flirty, emailing co-worker by prying into your husband’s personal email takes a lot of the zip out of your otherwise justifiable wrath.

While your apparent willingness to tromp all over his rights to privacy isn’t admirable in any respect, the danger of him being involved in an extra-marital affair isn’t something you can ignore.

If he’s guilty, it needs to be addressed, if he’s playing footsie with the idea of a fling that has to be stopped, if he’s innocent, you’ll still think he’s guilty without finding out the truth so the marriage is in danger on that end.

So, tell the truth. Tell him you’re less than proud of how you came across this email, apologize for being a snoop, but tell him this information you came across has you deeply concerned.

Be prepared for him to turn this back on you. Take full responsibility for the prying but don’t let that be the end of things. Find out what’s going on with this woman. Also, don’t let him minimize it or laugh it off. This stuff is serious – it’s  how affairs start or is an indicator one is ongoing.

This coworker could be flirting with him and he might have done nothing to warrant the attention. It happens. Ask him to nip this in the bud. While women are much smarter about this sort of thing then men, he needs to be direct and tell her he’s not interested in this sort of communication.

If he’s been equally flirty with her but nothing has “happened” between the two, urge him to disengage from this woman and to do so clearly and cleanly. No subtle stuff. It needs to stop.

Now the really hard part. If the flirting is simply part of an already ongoing extramarital fling he needs to end it and to find another job and you two need to go directly to marriage counseling. Any other “solution” will not work in the long run.

It’s regrettable that you found out about this the way you did but it could be a real problem if this “flirting” is left unchecked. If your husband is totally innocent,  he still needs to know what you did.

The ends do not justify the means in a marriage. And stay out of his email.

MICHAEL: We’ll skip the issue of you “not being able to resist” reading his mail for now and focus on the coworker.

I believe that he’s innocent until proven otherwise. Context can be very difficult to discern in an email so I will caution you not to jump to conclusions.

That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t address the issue. Sometimes work relationships become closer than we intend and we need to be reminded where those boundaries should be.  This is your opportunity to do that.  Of course this is complicated by the way that you came upon this information.

You should bring this up to your husband in a non-confrontational way. Explain to him what happened and apologize for reading his email. Tell him you want to hear what he has to say before making any judgements. Find out if perhaps this attention is only one way.

I would ask him why he’s getting emails of that nature from this woman. If he gets defensive about it then I think you need to push it a bit further and find out if there’s anything more to it.  More than likely if it was just playful banter he’ll blow it off as nothing.

If it bothers you though then you need to make it clear that its unacceptable and it is damaging to your relationship.  It’s unlikely that he can completely avoid this woman but he should try to minimize his contact if it bothers you.

Now back to reading his email. I’ll tell you what I tell my children. If its not yours, leave it alone.

Filed Under: Front Page Posts, Inside His Head, Previously on Motherlode...

Inside His Head: Husband turns into Scrooge at Christmastime

November 28, 2012 by

Dear Inside His Head guys,

This might sound rude, but my husband is obsessed with not spending money. With Christmas coming up, I can already feel my blood pressure going up. I’ll want to spend a reasonable amount of money on presents for the kids, family and friends and he’ll freak out that it’s “too much”. Do you have any advice for us? It makes both of us nuts every year and is NO FUN.

Thank you!

GRAY: So shoving a cup of egg nog under his nose and encouraging him to get in the Christmas spirit isn’t working, eh? Not to worry, the financial side of the holidays can bring out the Grinch in the best of us.

My suggestion is not to poke or prod the Grinch because it only makes him angry. Instead, use strategy. Getting hit with the bill all at once can make anyone’s heart shrink a few more sizes, but if you divide it up throughout the year it makes it easier to swallow. Set aside money each month or try to buy gifts as early in the year as you’re able.

Appeal to his strength. Ask if he’ll set up an account for just this sort of thing. Maybe it’s not just for Christmas, but birthdays and other special occasions as well.

If he feels more in control over the amount and understands what it’s going to be spent on right out of the gate it may melt a few of those icicles.

Make sure your idea of reasonable is reasonable. Those Jing Tinglers, Flu Floopers and Tar Tinkers can add up to more than you may realize. If he’s not just a miser, but genuinely worried about making sure the mortgage is paid then it might be a good idea to scale back some.

And the best advice I could pass along is to remember how the Whos in Whoville were still happy for Christmas even without the presents. If all your fun is centered squarely on getting and giving things then maybe you ought to shift your focus.

After all, the gift that made the Grinch’s heart grow three sizes didn’t come in wrapping paper.

MAVERICK: I’m assuming an average person would consider his stance stingy at best. Basically, you can afford to spend a “reasonable” amount but for some reason he can’t seem to ease up?

Is he just a cheapo in general? Does he hesitate to spend any money?

It’s hard to battle something like that. It’s likely deeply ingrained.

But you can work on him.

Be specific. Don’t say, “Let’s spend $200 on Billy’s big present this year.” Instead, try something like: “Billy has really stepped up with his chores and school work this year, let’s get him that tablet he’s been wanting. He’s earned it.”

Then his only argument is – that’s too much money. To which you can reply, “We have it. It won’t kill us to spend it. And he deserves it.”

Be firm but don’t start a fight. If you can afford the expense, in the end, he really doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

Just don’t attack him for being cheap. Just point out that his assessment you can’t afford it, is simply not the case. Remember though, that if he really is a deeply, cheap person, it will likely be hard for him to agree.

In the end, though there’s money involved, make sure the focus isn’t the spending but that the presents are what the kids want and deserve.

If he does loosen up some, be supportive. Let him know how happy it makes you that he’s willing to relent and get the kids a proper gift. Let him know his decision to open the purse strings has made the season a little more fun for everyone.

Eventually, he’ll see the light.

MICHAEL: This is tough. It’s apparent you two have different ideas about what “reasonable” is. I know we have somewhat similar issues in our house. It’s more philosophical than financial. I’ve always wanted to minimize the gifts so as not to make it too commercial. I prefer to get the kids things throughout the year instead.

You don’t say what your husband’s reasoning is. It sounds like its just that he’s tight with his money. Perhaps you could shorten your list of recipients and spend more per person. Most people have enough stuff laying around their house, another $20 trinket isn’t going to help things.

Instead, for those not in your immediate family, you could do something different like a more personal note in their card. Or send them some baked goods. I know I’d rather have that than something from the $20 gift table at Kohl’s.

If you are intent on spending more total money then you’ve got to start planning ahead. You’re going to have to save during the year or take a part time job to supplement the funding. Just remember the lesson that you are teaching your kids is that you can’t have a nice Christmas without spending lots of cash. Plus most of the the things they get are forgotten by January.

Differences of opinion about money are difficult to get past. It sounds like you have underlying issues around the subject. If this is something that is going to happen every year I’d recommend seeing a counselor to help work through your differences, because these subjects can cause a lot of underlying tension in the relationship that will show up in other areas.

Filed Under: Front Page Posts, Inside His Head, Popular Posts, Previously on Motherlode...

Inside His Head: ‘My husband favors one child over the other’

November 1, 2012 by

Dear Guys,

Sometimes I really feel that my husband favors one of our daughters over the other. He seems to prefer our oldest. Our younger child doesn’t seem to notice, but I know she will later. How can I promote a better relationship?

GRAY: My daughter wants to be a zombie for Halloween and I’m proud of her for it. Why? Because I like zombies. It’s something we share and can talk about that my wife can’t. I only have one daughter, and it’s probably a good thing because I think I’d almost assuredly favor one of them over the other. And, no, it’s not just because of the zombie thing.

There are times when a certain child simply relates better to one adult or the other. Why should that be discouraged? Sure, if dad spends all his time with one and not any with the other then there’s a problem. But why punish both the father and daughter if things are going smoothly? Why shouldn’t they be able to share interests or conversations?

Then there’s the age factor. I don’t know how much time separates your daughters, but some folks have genuine difficulty finding a real connection with children at certain ages. I get more enjoyment out of time spent with my daughter now that she talks well and has a personality of her own. That doesn’t mean I didn’t like her as a baby, but I can’t have a two-way conversation about The Avengers with an infant.

The younger daughter will notice the difference and there’s nothing you can do about that. Why? Because they’re individuals and are simply destined to be treated differently no matter what. Take pride in their individuality. Being a parent isn’t about trying to dole out some kind of “attention ration” to your children, it’s about respecting them for who they are.

Your daughters may never feel like they’re treated equally, but I have no doubt your husband has an equal amount of love for them both. And what could be better than that? A zombie costume? Well….maybe.

MAVERICK: Unless your husband is a A-1 jerk, he likely doesn’t realize he’s showing any type of favoritism.

It could be an age thing. Perhaps the older child is simply able to do more things your husband likes, say like go for a bike ride, fish, play catch, watch sports on TV or crack jokes about family members. Maybe he’s more like the older child or they share a similar sense of humor or other tastes.

For goodness sake don’t come at him all confrontational and ask why he hates one of his children. More than likely it’s totally unintentional. So, the best thing to do is encourage him to spend time with the younger child. Arrange time for them to hang out. Take the older one out for a shopping trip or any number of other activities so dad gets to spend more time with the younger girl.

If you don’t like the idea of setting up play-dates between your husband and daughter then be direct, but not too direct.

Just say you think it’s time they spend more one-on-one time together. Don’t imply he’s shorting one for the other. Instead, simply tell him you think they need to hang out and get to know each other more.

After a subtle shove or two he’ll figure out what’s going on. Just keep prodding but be smooth.

MICHAEL: You don’t say how old your daughters are. I know that in my case it’s just easier to do things with the kids when they reach certain ages. I can also certainly attest to the fact that each child has a different personality and that we all react to them differently.

He may just have more interests in common with the older one. That being said, I would say that you need to have concrete examples that this is occurring.

Assuming you haven’t brought this up to him before, he probably will deny that he’s doing it. I would hope that he isn’t doing it on purpose. Let him know that you think it’s important that he show an equal amount of time and attention to the younger child.

If you can come to an agreement that this is happening and that something needs to change you need a plan. He needs to consciously start thinking about how he’s spending his time. Encourage him to do things alone with the younger daughter away from her older sister. You can help with this by doing an activity separately with the older one. This will kind of force his hand.

If things don’t get better, you’ll have to step in and fill that gap a bit. It’s not unusual for a child to be closer to one parent than to another. The key is that the family not split into two groups each taking sides against the other on issues. You and your husband have to provide a united front regardless of the individual relationships with the children.

Filed Under: Front Page Posts, Inside His Head, Previously on Motherlode...
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