Dear dads,

I’m pregnant with my first baby and my husband really doesn’t seem excited. I’m having a hard time with his reaction. We discussed having kids when we were dating, so that’s not it. He says he’s happy, but I don’t really believe it. Any advice on how to handle this situation?

MAVERICK: More than likely he’s happy and excited, just not the same way you are.

In general, men don’t think much about being parents until they are, or are about to become one. It’s not something we talk about with our pals over beers or daydream about while we fish. Women have a big head-start on us in that regard.

So, even if he wanted to be a dad and all, he has a lot of catching up to do regarding the whole parenthood gig so don’t judge him for not reacting the same way you are to the news and the different stages of the pregnancy.

Also, for those of us cavemen types out there, the responsibility of being a dad might just now be sinking in. He’s seeing the next 20 years, and then some, filled with doctor bills, braces, bikes, clothing, and college that he’s gonna have to figure out a way to pay for. He could be trying to get his head around a serious reality check.

So, don’t read subdued as uninterested and don’t register him as not excited if he’s not giggling about baby showers or happily zooming out on trips to the store to by onesies.

You’ll likely see his enthusiasm pick up once the baby is here, then again when the baby becomes more mobile and then even more when the baby can talk and play games with him and stuff.

Parenthood is a team effort. It helps if we bring different skills and emotional strengths, and reactions to the process.

So remember, he’s a dad to be, not a mom to be, don’t expect his reactions or emotions to always mirror yours. Who wants to be married to a clone?

GRAY: My first recommendation is hormones. How are you dealing with things? A little emotional perhaps? Remember, your body’s getting hit with a ton of stuff right now. When my wife got pregnant she couldn’t stand chocolate anymore – yeah, chocolate – so something as relatively minor as your husband not being excited ought to rank pretty far down on the totem pole.

My second recommendation is taking another look at when you “discussed having kids.� When he said “Sure, I’d like to have kids� you probably could have substituted “kids� for “a house,� or “a grilled cheese sandwich,� or “socks.� In the real world, you don’t really understand what having kids is about until you’re in the thick of things.

So go take another look at your less-than-excited husband. Is he just less than excited or does he have that glazed, bewildered expression usually reserved for lottery winners? Getting hit with news about becoming a father can clobber your mind. And it doesn’t mean he’s not excited, he just has to figure out how on Earth he got to this point in his life.

My final recommendation is to believe him when he tells you he’s happy. Asking him again and again will probably just make him think you’re hormonal (see first recommendation). If that doesn’t cut it for
you, then engage him in talks about what he plans to do when the baby arrives. Sometimes you can tell how excited a guy is by listening to him talk about what he sees his future as being now that he’s a dad to be.

To read more Inside His Head, click here. Or you can send a question to our anonymous panel of husbands to mamas@nwaMotherlode.com. 

 

Dear Inside His Head husbands,

Whenever we go to the local pool, my husband always stares at other women. I’m not really the “jealous type” but he is so obvious that I can’t help but notice. How can I convince him he’s being a jerk?

GRAY: You can’t. I’d suggest you get him a pair of mirrored sunglasses so you won’t know what direction he’s looking in anymore.

It’s just in men’s nature to look and if you’re stuck with some poor schmuck who does everything short of having his tongue loll out and drool then I can only thing I can say is: you’re the one who married the fool. The rest of us at least believe we’re a bit more cunning about sneaking glances. And if you think you’re married to a guy who doesn’t sneak a peek at women at all, then you’re just not watching
him close enough.

So I suppose the only conclusion to be drawn is all men are jerks and your oogle-eyed man is simply got a bit more in the jerkdom department than most. If you want to change his behavior I suggest stern measures, like a Louisville Slugger, but that may only make him bedridden and a bit slower to pick up on your hints.

And why do we stare? Well, it’s really all your fault as women. If you weren’t nice to look at we’d undoubtedly spend more time watching football instead.

MAX: “She doesn’t have to convince him he’s a jerk. He IS a jerk, a big, fatheaded jerk, whether he thinks he is or not.� ~ My wife

I couldn’t  find a suitable, pithy quote to start my answer, until my wife read the question over my shoulder and provided one ad hoc. The quote works because, well, it’s absolutely true. Men, don’t ogle girls in front of your woman. You break this rule, you’re an ass.

You must tell him immediately that this behavior is disrespectful and insulting. This should solve the problem with a decent man. If it doesn’t, then his ogling is a symptom of a much larger problem: He doesn’t respect you enough to stop a behavior you find offensive.

If he continues to leer, I would strongly suggest you get some form of counseling or some form or lawyering. Or, as my lovely wife suggests, “Next time the bleeping fatheaded bleep stares, make a big bleeping fire out of his bleep in the front yard.�

MAVERICK: Wow, what pool do you hang out at???

Well, he’s not really being a jerk unless you’ve told him to quit peering at the other ladies  and he keeps doing it or he’s actually leering and drooling.

And make sure there’s no double standard. If you eye-boink guys and comment on their builds (and face it ladies, more and more of you are doing just that) don’t expect your husband to put on the blinders.

Only other real issue is if he’s staring at young women who are, shall we say, just barely young women. That’s really uncool.

Guys will look. We can be discreet about it, though. Tell him he looks like a creep. If he gives a fig, tell him it bugs you to see him ogle other women.  Both are viable reasons not to let our whole heads turn or our tongues loll when a nicely proportioned women walks by.

But we’re only human, and we’re guys. We should get points for at least trying and not be taken too much to task if we are tempted by exceptional shapes in tiny packages.

To read more Inside His Head, click here.

Time for another installment of  “Inside His Headâ€�! This month’s question is about Father’s Day, which is Sunday, June 20.

If you’ve got a question for our anonymous panel of husbands, send it to mamas@nwaMotherlode.com and it could be answered in this monthly feature.

Q: Father’s Day is coming up soon and I don’t know what to get my husband. We’ve been married for eight years and I’m out of good ideas. Do you have any suggestions?

MAVERICK: You deserve high marks for wanting to get your husband something nice for Father’s Day. Most wives don’t give a crap since most men don’t [complain] if they don’t get a good present on Father’s Day or any other occasion.

But, since I don’t know what he likes, I can’t tell you what to get specifically. But here are some guidelines:

Avoid cliché gifts like ties, socks and mugs unless they’re really cool. Example, blah tie from discount retailer = not cool, but a tie with his favorite Family Guy character = cool. “The Number 1 Dad� mug is the female equivalent of flowers from a grocery story on Mothers’ Day but a mug made by his kid, hand-painted with scenes from their last fishing trip together is awesome.

Don’t be cheap. If you get him golf balls, don’t get him the cheapest you can find. There’s a difference. Figure out what kind he uses and get those. If you don’t know his favorite brand, ask a pal of his or somebody in the golf store he likes. Apply this advice to all other possible hobbies for general success.

Get him something that shows you actually see him for who he is or who he wants to be. If he loves action films, get him the director’s cut of one of his favorites. If he likes music, mix him a CD or download a playlist for him of his favorite songs or better yet, songs that remind you of him. If he likes UFC get him an action figure of his favorite fighter or spring for a pay-per-view fight he’d like to see.

Also remember men are not like women. A gift certificate to be used on our favorite hobby is considered a highly romantic gesture. Apply all previous rules here as well, in particular see not being cheap.

Get him something he’d love but likely won’t buy for himself. Say he stares longingly at one page in a gun catalog or a certain fishing rod, or an expensive pair of cowboy boots — this is a big clue. If you can afford it, pony up and get him something good once and a while. He’s your husband and your kid’s father. He likely works like a dog. Most dads would jump in front of a train for their wives and kids. Give him a present he’ll remember and cherish now and again. This suggestion does not apply to guys who regularly go to Vegas for the weekend with pals or who buy themselves motorcycles on the spur of the moment. Those guys don’t count.

Of course, all this advice hinges on you having a vague idea of what your husband likes and who he is at heart. If, after eight years, you don’t have a clue, do him a favor and give him a decent rechargeable drill and the card to a good divorce lawyer.

MAX: “Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.� ~ Bill Cosby

This question has a simple answer because it involves men. And, no, the answer isn’t sex. Women, bless their sweet, generous hearts, worry too much about things such as these. If you want to know what a man wants, ASK HIM.

“Honey, what do you want for Father’s Day??�  [Warning: The answer to this question may be sex.] We are not deep thinkers. Our feelings aren’t bruised because you haven’t come up with the most perfect, creatively thought-of gift of all time.

Most men like to eat, watch sports on TV, [redacted] and play video games. If your man likes something else, he’ll tell you if you ask. Honest.

GRAY: Yes. Get him a shirt that says “After a week’s worth of Father’s Days my wife was completely out of gift ideas, so all I got was this lousy t-shirt.�

Seriously, hasn’t the industry given you plenty of inspiration? There are arrays of singing plastic fish, obnoxious boxer shorts and a veritable industry of fish-shaped neckties. If that doesn’t capture what you’re trying to express then might I humbly suggest the holy grail of Father’s Day gifts: something, anything (and, yes, they literally make everything) with #1 Dad stamped on it in lifeless black letters. I can think of nothing that collects dust faster, er, is more valued than #1 Dad merchandise.

And I think it’s great we live in a society that knows just what dads want. After all, the people making the stuff must know what they’re doing or the nefarious subculture of necktie fish should have gone belly up a long time ago. (I’m secretly surprised nobody ever combined the singing wall fish and the fish tie, that product seemed poised to be the next big thing in my mind.)

The truth is, we don’t much care and our expectations are pretty darned low. If you’ve gone through the trouble to do anything you know we’ll appreciate it. And you probably also know we have the sense not to wear the fish tie, singing or not, so unless you want us out in public with it on you’d best find a good hiding place.

To read more Inside His Head, click here.

 

OK, ladies, it’s time to travel back to the strange land called …  “Inside His Headâ€�. This month’s question is quite timely for many of us. Check it out:

(Oh, and if you’ve got a question for our outspoken guys, just send it to mamas@nwaMotherlode.com and it may be featured in an upcoming installment.)

Q: I recently noticed my husband had friended an old girlfriend on Facebook. From conversations, I know they had a very passionate relationship. I’m not happy about this at all. What do you suggest I do?

MAVERICK: I see Facebook sort of like a party.

I have a Facebook page but I use it to keep up with my pals and old friends but I rarely post. So in party terms, I’m the guy who sits over in the dark corner and sips his beer, who maybe goes outside to smoke for long periods or goes to the store for ice.

So, look  at this Facebook stuff like like him meeting an old flame at a party.

If she friended him first, she’s the one who walked up to him. If he friended her, well it’s the opposite.

Would that make you concerned at a party?

They might have regained contact through a mutual friend, so it’s sorta like they’re all huddled up in a group of old chums in the middle  of the room chatting.

Problem with that?

If she has a Facebook picture taken in soft focus that makes her look all glam or she’s wearing something revealing or you can otherwise tell she thinks she’s hot-stuff from her picture, — and let’s face it, you can tell — I’d consider that a variable. It’s something akin to her showing at the party all tarted up wearing a miniskirt and she’s chatting with your husband, standing close and with her hand on his arm.

Now what do you think?

While this might help sort out the interaction, the bottom line is , they are interacting.  She’s also not only an ex — but a significant ex that he had a smoking sexual relationship with. He might just be being friendly but the reality is, he’ll think about her, and if the sex was good he’ll likely think about her fondly and nostalgically, and likely without clothing.

If this is really bothering you, tell him you’re uncomfortable. Be direct.

If he says something about trust, tell him it’s nothing about trust, it simply is not prudent to put himself in those sorts of situations. If he listens fine. If he acts really, really defensive, or acts mad but then goes all easy-going like, I’d consider that  a red flag.

But, if you aren’t concerned about him talking to an ex-flame in plain sight at a party, I’d not sweat the Facebook issue too much. It’s pretty public.

In any event, if you’re really bugged and your husband is being a pain and not giving you satisfactory answers and you want to let her know you’re wise to what’s up,  just friend her yourself.

This is like you walking up and introducing yourself at a party. You can tell a lot by how she reacts.

Oh, and before you do, change your Facebook picture to the one where you’re breaking a board in your Karate class.

GRAY: I’d suggest you just get over it and move on. Their relationship ended badly once, so what are you afraid of? That he’s going to leave a presumably good relationship so he can pursue one he’s already had?

He/she may have wanted to make sure the other was doing ok after all these years, or perhaps they were hoping to find the other in the misery they’d wished on them upon breaking up. The point is, it’s doubtful they’re going to look at each other and say: “Man, you’re perfect. Why did we break up?� More realistically they’ll realize the decision they made to split was the right one and chatting a little on Facebook will only confirm their suspicions.

Facebook is an odd animal to begin with, filled with people who “friend� others to be better virtual farmers and all that. I’d be a lot more alarmed if he was doing that and potentially exposing strangers to your personal telephone number or street address. I think a lot of old flames tend to get in touch as a form of catharsis and because Facebook provides the perfect medium. After all, it means you don’t have an awkward social situation, you can still keep ex-girlfriends and ex-boyfriends in a controlled environment, and if they’re still as annoying as they were when you broke up there’s always that lovely “hide� button.

MAX: “I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.â€� ~ Lyndon Johnson

Who are these lugnuts, I mean husbands, the readers of nwaMotherlode are constantly complaining about? I show these questions to my wife so she realizes I’m not half as bad as the other turds in the diaper.

There is no justification nor acceptable rationale that any decent man could come up with to excuse continuing an elective friendship with a former flame that the current wife disproves of. It’s just that simple.

If your lugnut maintains his cluelessness, ask him how he would feel if you hooked back up with a former passion. This “friendship� serves no purpose, it should fill no emotional need (and if it does, there are bigger problems here) and is a huge show of disrespect to the wife.

Tell him this and if he disagrees, I would recommend counseling or, better, smashing his computer in with an iron skillet.

To read more Inside His Head, click here.