OK, mamas, admit it. Sometimes you just can’t figure out what’s going on “Inside His Headâ€�. We’re here to help. This feature is all about what guys really think. If you’ve got a question for our anonymous panel of husbands just send it to mamas@nwaMotherlode.com.

This month the question is from a mom who just wants a beach vacation. Is that so much to ask?

Q: My husband and I are trying to plan a family vacation for the summer and we’re at an impasse. He wants to hike/mountain bike and I want to relax with a book on the sand. The kids are also more interested in sandcastles and ocean waves, too. How can I persuade him that a beach vacation is the way to go?

MAVERICK: Oh goodness, this is an easy one.

Use sex.

Start leaving pictures of yourself in your bathing suit around. Let it slip that you’re getting a new, more revealing one if you go to the beach this year. Mention how you always feel more amorous when you smell the ocean and feel sand between your toes.

Tell him you’ve figured out a way to ditch the kids one night and you two can go out on an adult date, to a seafood restaurant and drink strong, rum-filled boat drinks. Ask him to practice rubbing suntan oil onto your back.

I can’t really believe women need this sort of advice. We’re really easy creatures to control and if you’re controlling us with sex, well, we’re willing slaves.

If he’s a eunuch or just a load, I guess you could convince him he could bike, or do whatever exertions he wants, on or around the beach. Shouldn’t be that hard to find substitute activities.

Still, that’s a lot of pointless effort. Play the sex card. You’ll both get what you want and have a great vacation. Vacation sex is the best.

GRAY: Compromise can often be a tricky thing. My wife and I have several: I cook, she does the dishes; I mow the lawn, she does the laundry; she takes care of the litter boxes and I, well, try to stay out of her way. Yet as easy as it is to suggest going somewhere where you and the kids can sit on the beach while he rides, that defeats the purpose of what vacations are about. Really, if you aren’t going to be around each other while on vacation then why even bother taking them together at all?

What it really boils down to is giving him a thump up side the head. If he’s the only one out of line then he ought to snap out of it and give in to the majority. I’m not suggesting he not have the opportunity to plead his case, but if the dust settles and he’s still the only one supporting his cause, then the family wins.

And what to do if he feels railroaded and is a bit sullen about things? Well, there’s always room for compromise. Find time to go mountain biking some time, just not this go round. Maybe the deal is that he gets to pick the venue for the following summer or gets dibs if you plan to do something in the fall. There are always clever ways to achieve a balance in life. Sometimes it means you’re the one with the litter box, but as long as life is generally equitable then a little bit of not getting our way every now and again is forgivable.

MAX:  “The secret is to always let the other man have your way.” ~ Claiborne Pell.

Can my simple one-word answer be “sex”? (this question is EASY!)

No? OK, well unless the beach you plan on vacationing is a 10-foot square comic strip island, then there is no reason you both can’t have your way. Find a beach for you and the kiddies that has access to hiking and mountain biking.

My wife likes to go shopping on vacation, but that doesn’t preclude us from going to the beach. (It usually precludes us from having enough money to eat when we get back home, though.)

Tell your husband that you need relaxation and you’re going to read on the beach, and the kids are going to swim and frolic in the waves. Reassure him he is more than welcome to go traipsing off in the local hills and valleys with a walking stick and his bicycle, and you even found a perfect
place to allows all of y’all to enjoy what y’all enjoy.

And if he ever wants to enjoy again …

 

We wives really like to know what’s going on “Inside His Headâ€�. So this feature is all about what guys really think. If you’ve got a question for our anonymous panel of husbands just send it to mamas@nwaMotherlode.com.

This month the question is from the nwaMotherlode mamas. We wanted our guys to give your guys some ideas, so if you’re on a budget, read their suggestions below. Then email them to your husband for inspiration.

Q: It seems like everyone’s on a tight budget these days, so help us answer this question for the thrifty guys out there: You want to plan a romantic Valentine’s Day evening, but you only have $50 to spend — including the gift. What’s your strategy?

GRAY: The first $20: FOOD

I’d make a simple, but satisfying spaghetti carbonara ($3-$6). Afterward I’d serve some fruit like strawberries or raspberries and some mild cheeses ($5-$10) to snack on. Instead of a box of chocolates filled with mystery stuff, I’d get something that actually looks good or go to a bakery and get a couple small, but special treats ($4-$10).

The second $20: ATMOSPHERE

A bottle of nice wine can be found without breaking the bank ($12-$17) and I’d use the remainder to get some candles. It’s always amazing how a meal by candlelight can be so intimate, assuming the candles are bright enough you don’t have trouble finding the food of course. I’d undoubtedly put on some appropriate music as it further enhances the intimacy; besides, I’ve never found the sound of cars passing outside romantic.

The final $10: THE GIFT

For the gift I’d try to do something special. Draw a picture, write a poem, recount a moment that was particularly meaningful to us and express how it, and her, have changed my life and who I am. And would that take $10? Nah, but getting a couple flowers never hurt anything either.

MAVERICK: My strategy is simple - remember Valentine’s Day is not about the money, it’s about the gesture.

I’d get the actual gift sorted out first.

I’d go to a florist and get a single, perfect rose in a nice bud vase (maybe ask the florist to help you find a unique color other than red). Not a single rose from Wally-World, something really special. I assume I could do this for say $20 bucks. I may be overestimating the cost of something like this but it’s a ballpark figure and should be fairly close. If there’s no bud vase available or it’s too expensive, I’d try to improvise something.

Next I would go to Wally-World and get a pound of good shrimp, some fresh corn if it can be found, and some shrimp boil. Then I’d look for some canned lobster bisque. I’d prepare this for our Valentine’s Day dinner. I figure $25 bucks for that. If I have any money left over from the rose, I’d throw in some salad. Once again, it’s nice that it’s seafood but the most important part is that I prepare it, and hopefully do the extras like set the table – the effort is the whole point.

That leaves me about $5 bucks.

I’d rent two movies for us to sit around and watch. First would be her favorite romantic film. If I don’t know this by now, well, it’s pretty clear I need to be paying closer attention. If I don’t know, I’d ask her girlfriends.

Second, I’d get one of my favorite versions of a “guy� romantic film to share with her. Now, this can’t be like Predator or Red Dawn. I’m thinking something “romantic� but not fundamentally about a guy chasing a girl. Examples could be Field of Dreams, Stand by Me (though the dead body stuff might be off-putting), or An Officer and a Gentleman (there’s girl chasing here but also basic training, kung-fu, and other fun stuff guys like). This is called sharing and communicating. Women love both.

If we both like adult beverages I’d make up whatever her drink of choice is. I’m assigning no cost to this, as I assume I’d have that sort of stuff around the house. Nothing special, but it shows I’ve been paying attention.

Finally, I’m totally out of money so I’ll write a nice note to her asking her to be my Valentine. I’d do my best to be sweet. Sex has it’s place on Valentine’s Day if you’re male, but a Valentine’s Day card is not the place to make a pass.

I’d present these items as the evening progresses. My goal is to make my Valentine feel like she’s the most special woman in the world – because she is. That’s what all the effort is supposed to show. Any schmuck can pull out a credit card and order flowers over the phone.

MAX: “Romance without finance is no good.” ~ Willie “The Lion” Smith

You are asking the wrong person this question. Not that there isn’t anything in my head, it’s just that I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. Unfortunately, my wife does, so Feb. 14 is a bit testy at our house.

Also, what I know about romance could fit in a thimble. [Motherlode editor’s note: We asked his wife. He’s telling the truth. He doesn’t know nuthin’.] I’ve always just gotten by on my charm and good looks. [Motherlode editor’s note: No. He hasn’t.]

What I do know about women is that a good woman doesn’t care about the finance but the romance. So don’t worry if you have $5 or $50, just do something to show that you wouldn’t want to have any other woman be the woman of your life.

This is something that you should try to do at least five times a week every week. Do it more often if you have little charm and few good looks. Obviously, the question at hand is how to show that, but I’m afraid you were supposed to be paying attention throughout the year so you’d know what your woman likes, be it bowling, poetry or flowers (my wife’s favorite flower is um, crap, a blue one?) [Motherlode editor’s note: A tulip.]

For the ninth consecutive year, my wife and I will go out to a nice dinner that she calls a Valentine’s Day dinner and I call a “Just A Coincidence” dinner. At some point in the evening, I will tell her that she is the most awesome chick I’ve ever known and I’m ecstatic she’s my “Just A Coincidence Date”.

That gets me by until her birthday, which under no circumstances can I screw up after just taking her out to dinner for Valentine’s Day.

Welcome, girls. It’s that time of the month again — time to journey back “Inside His Headâ€�. If you’ve got a question for our anonymous panel of husbands just send it to mamas@nwaMotherlode.com and it may be featured in an upcoming installment. Now on to this month’s question from a concerned wife:

Q: My husband hates his job. I think I should encourage him to find something else, but I’m really scared in this economy for him to rock the boat at all. What should I do?

GRAY: A change can be scary in any economic climate, but happiness is truly priceless.

A recent survey by the Conference Board research group found only 45 percent of Americans were satisfied with their job. The finding represented a record low in the 22 years the board has been studying the issue. No doubt the present economy as been rough on those lucky enough to keep their jobs, and many people have been soured on their jobs which now often require more work to be done for less pay.

I’ve always thought the most satisfied people I’ve met were ones happiest with their profession. Getting up every morning with anticipation for the day instead of dread has an impact that transcends the time clock too. Your husband will likely be happier in general if he feels his life at work serves a purpose beyond making sure the bills are paid.

Providing encouragement is a great thing. Many guys stay with jobs they hate because they feel they have no options and their wives would view them as quitters if they changed to something different. Discussing options and employment venues is a great way to start. Obviously a lot depends on your age, skills and financial situation and it could be the decision might mean months of unemployment for education, so discussing a course of action is critical.

Helping to formulate a financial strategy, keeping an eye on the classifieds and keeping an ear to the ground all help. Even browsing the web or talking to Facebook friends can often yield surprising results, but the most important is knowing he has your support. Knowing you have his happiness in mind can make life better all by itself.

MAVERICK: If he hates his job, really hates it, then yes you should encourage him to look for something different.

Making a move in this down economy is dangerous but lots of jobs are precarious as is. If your husband truly hates his work situation it’s unlikely he’s doing his best and that could make him vulnerable.

Loving a job is worth a lot, in particular with men, who often gain a lot of their identity from their occupation. For many man, hating our work is like hating a part of ourselves, it can be destructive and take a toll mentally and physically.

There are so many reasons a man could hate his job — low pay, long hours, personal conflicts, no chance for advancement  — I’m not gonna try to go into trying to address those issues,  without knowing why it’s hard to offer viable solutions.

But, in really general terms,  if he hates working where his is, for whatever reason, you should try to help. First, determine if it’s something he can fix by remaining on the job — can he shift his hours, transfer to another department, eliminate a conflict with a problem boss or co-worker? If not, move on to step two.

Help him look. Encourage him to update his resume. Look at his options, maybe get him to take a class or get some additional training. A plan, even if it’s long term, on how to get away from the job he hates and move along could go a long way in changing his attitude.

One of the best ways to help is to look for jobs for him on the sly. Check out the classified ads. Look at Web sites of employers you husband admires or considers top-notch in his field.  Sometimes you will see  an opportunity that he can’t. When you see a job he’d be good at discuss it with him and encourage him to call about them or at least drop his resume in the mail.

Put out your feelers. Lots of women have large and well established nets of friends that are tuned into all sorts of info. Don’t let it be known your husband is dissatisfied at work, just keep your ears open for opportunities he could explore.

Finally, be realistic. He could hate his job but there might not be anything he can do about it. He could be trapped financially and actually unable to move or shift. If he’s the major bread winner and his options are limited that might be just the way things are for the time being.

You don’t hear about it much in today’s culture that minimizes the contributions  husbands and fathers make, but many men go to work day after day to jobs they hate to support their family. It’s a sacrifice many of us are willing to make. In these situations, support, validation and kindness make the effort worthwhile until a better job opportunity comes along.

MAX: “The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.� ~ Oscar Wilde

The best advice I ever received? Other than to always compliment a woman on her shoes, is to never quit a job unless you have another one. By all means, tell your husband you’ll support him if he changes jobs. In the next sentence, tell him you will smack him in the head with a pointy rock if he quits his sucky job without having a less-sucky job lined up.

Looking for a better job while working another will not necessarily rock the boat. People do it all the time. I’m doing it right now, checking to see if there is a cooler blog to write for. [I’m kidding, of course, Motherlode]

Tell your husband that you appreciate him working a job he hates to support his family and that you’ll do anything you can to help him find a better one.

Just remind him to not leave copies of his resume in the office copier or wear his “I Hate This Stupid Job� T-Shirt on casual Friday.

Welcome back to Motherlode’s monthly feature, “Inside His Headâ€� which is written by an anonymous panel of husbands. This month we’ve added a new guy to the mix for your continued edification into the male psyche

If you’ve got a question for our tell-it-like-it-is guys, just send it to mamas@nwaMotherlode.com and it may be featured in an upcoming installment.

Now on to this month’s question from a dread-filled daughter-in-law:

Q: Christmas is just a few weeks away and I’ve been dreading it for months. We’re driving to his parents’ house (again) and I know my mother-in-law will find plenty of ways to put me down (again). I’ve kept these feelings to myself for years. Should I ask my husband to stand up for me?

GRAY: My feeling is your husband already should have been standing up for you. Secret as you may have kept your feelings, odds are your husband knows what his mom’s like and is aware of how she’s been treating you. By all means, ask your husband to help. Though all families are imperfect, nobody should be put in a situation to suffer by themselves – especially for Christmas.

Family confrontations don’t need to turn an ugly mess into something uglier either. Your husband ought to be chock full of ways to deal with his mom. He likely outfoxed her repeatedly when he was growing up and knows how to push her buttons without pushing the ones that make her eyes glow red. And another reason to have him mitigate the issue is if his mother’s already browbeating you, standing up to her by yourself will probably not make her opinion of you any better.

The MIL may have been wired that way for so long and been protective of making sure her “perfect little boy� got only the best (in her eyes anyway) that she either can’t snap out of it or doesn’t even realize how petty she’s being. “Mom, you’re doing it again,� may be all your husband needs to say. It may not make it all go away, but if folks are reminded enough about their behavior they usually change it.

The point is, there’s little in life that’s worth months of dread over. Even though you can’t choose your relatives, they should always be important, and that means we ought to work together just like, yep, you guessed it, a family. And Christmas ought to be precious enough for everyone involved to spread cheer, be merry and all that nonsense. So go ask the husband to give you a hand on this one before you decide to doom mom-in-law to a lifetime supply of fruitcakes as holiday gifts.

MAVERICK: Soooo, your husband won’t stand up for you.

Seems like you have an issue but I’m not sure what the issue is.

I’m gonna toss one thing out here before I go forward. Is his mom right? Are her put-downs justified from her point of view? Like, say, if she always has a snide comment when you habitually arrive 2 hours late for lunch and the rest of the family is waiting, well, is it really a snide comment at that point? Ask yourself if you bring the behavior on yourself by actual, questionable conduct. If so, change the trigger behavior and see what happens. If not, move along for more advice.

Does your husband realize his mom is putting you down? Does she do it in front of him and does he fail to register it as a derogatory comment? Does he see it happen and simply ignore it?

Some families communicate in put downs. It’s how they relate. It may actually be considered inclusive for her to hammer you. It’s a form of goofy communication. I doubt that’s the case, because if it was, your husband would likely do the same thing to you when he’s not around his family and you’d be wise to that.  If that’s how they talk to each other though, I’m afraid you’re a bit out of luck. You should have paid more attention when courting.

If your husband sees it and ignores it, there’s not much you can do but I’d at least confront him and try to find out why he’s so scared of his  mommy. You might not get a reasonable excuse or a move to fix the situation but it’s better than suffering in silence.

If the put downs are not registering with your husband, he either isn’t hearing it when it happens or he’s not there when it does. If he’s not hearing it, you need to let him know what’s going on and  come up with a non-verbal signal to let him know when the “put down� happens so he can witness and assess them.

If his mom is doing it behind his back, well that may be a problem. I’d hope your husband would believe you when you explain, but in any case how you explain is important.

First, let him know how you feel about  how his mother treats you but be specific. Don’t say, “Bob, your mom puts me down all the time.� Let him know how she does it, when she does it and how often she does it.  Don’t bring in issues of how you suspect his mother feels like putting her actions off on long-standing dislikes or her feeling you’ve taken her son away. Simply stick with the behavior at specific instances and how it  makes you feel.

Now you’ve given him enough information to assess the situation. He’ll likely want to see these put downs in action to gauge the situation for himself (assuming it’s not all no-witnesses sort of stuff). Allow him to do this. Don’t expect him to pounce on his mom without seeing what you’re talking about.

Now, here’s the hard part, once you’ve done all this you’re gonna have to wait and see if  your husband will man up.

If he observes this happening, he should move to stop his mom for using you as her verbal punching bag. Now that he’s seen and recognized the behavior, and has the opportunity to react to it himself, he can stand between you and his mom. He doesn’t have to say “Sue thinks you’re mean to her.� Now he can say, “I’ve noticed you said XXX to my wife just a second ago. What’s up with that?�

If your husband won’t be a man and confront people, even family members, even his mommy, who treat you poorly, well, I feel sorry for you. There’s no amount of advice I can give in this situation that will replace a spine. Here’s hoping the guy you married has one.

JON: Yes.  In an ideal world, you shouldn’t have to ask, but it appears as if you do.  These conversations are never enjoyable, but all healthy relationships have uncomfortable discussions.  Here are some things to think about.

Time and place – the holidays are a stressful time on all.  Perhaps now is not the best time to discuss this. My wife and I had such a discussion regarding Christmas at her parents during the summer. Try to find a time were stress is at a minimum and your husband is in a place to truly hear what you are saying. My guess is he already knows what his mother does, he may not be aware of how her behavior affects you.

Remember it’s his mother - I think that mothers hold a special place in all men’s hearts even when they are wrong. Tell him what she does and how it makes you feel, but avoid personal attacks. Many men are defensive regarding mom. Ask yourself what motivates her behavior. Does she feel abandoned? Did you steal her only son?

Is she just mean and nasty to you or is she like that to everyone? If she treats everyone poorly, it allows you to realize it is not personal or about you in any way.

Just because she says it doesn’t make it so. Words can certainly be hurtful, but they only have as much power as you give them. Ask yourself some questions. Why do you feel hurt? Do you long for her approval? Do you think what she says is right? Once you understand why what she says bothers you, you can minimize the effect.

Here are some ways to deal with her. 1) Walk away. Don’t allow yourself to be treated poorly. 2) Interrupt her. “That’s not nice.�  “That’s not funny.� “I don’t agree.�  3) Engage her. Ask questions. “Why would you say that?�  “On what behavior is that comment based?� 4) Be with her, but don’t engage. Tune her out.

Remember all people say things they don’t mean or later regret. My mother once said she didn’t like my wife or my kids. It took time, but we worked through the hurt feelings and emotions as a family with open and honest, albeit difficult, discussion. You can too.

MAX: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.� ~Eleanor Roosevelt

You can ask all you want but he probably won’t do it, or at least do it to your satisfaction. That’s reason enough to find another less-confrontational way to handle the awkwardness of Christmas with mother-in-law (which I get
to do every year, yay.) I would say something non-accusatory to your husband before the get-together just so he knows his mom’s comments hurt you. Then leave it up to him how to handle her but let him know you expect a very nice children-free dinner for your patience. With a tablecloth. Perhaps wine. Definitely dessert.

One important factor to consider is: Does your husband stand up for you in other situations? If he does, then you can rest assured his failure to protect you from his mother is simple Fear-of-Mom Syndrome, the dreaded FOMS. In cases of FOMS, just know you need to cut him some slack because some people
can’t find the gumption to stand up to their parents.

My wife has discovered, to her shock and utmost glee, that I do NOT have FOMS. Of course, both of my parents have passed so I spend my time standing up for my wife to HER mother, which makes my wife love me more (she certainly didn’t marry me for my looks, my money, my hygiene, my … let?s change this subject).

The best method, though, is good humor. Chances are your mother-in-law doesn’t hate you and is just tactless. Prepare yourself and let the comments roll off your back so you can enjoy Christmas.