What I’ve Learned in a Decade of Marriage:

1. “When I got married, I was stupid.” What I mean by that is, I had no idea just how huge a decision I was making. Sure, I’d heard all the blah-blah-blah about how marriage is a big step, but it’s hard to comprehend the blah-blah when you’re in your early twenties. What I know now that I didn’t know then is that choosing a person to spend your life with is perhaps the biggest factor in how the rest of your life will go. Education is important. Jobs are important. But nothing even comes close to who you choose to trust, to spend your life with, to make babies with. Nothing comes close to that.

2. “He just needs to drive.” This means that spouses have to learn their partner’s quirks and accept them. Tom needs to drive. Even though I’m a perfectly good driver with an excellent record, he can only tolerate being in the passenger seat for roughly 10 minutes and then it’s nearly killing him. He just needs to drive. What he has learned about me is that, while I will surrender the driver’s seat without much protest, I can not be driven down an unfamiliar road “just to see where it goes.” I need to know where we’re going. We’ve both learned to accept each other’s needs and drive or ride accordingly.

3. “Think before you speak.” That one speaks for itself, doesn’t it?

4. “Points are for losers.” When I first got married, I was under the delusion that arguments were opportunities to win or lose, as in “score your points and win your case.” That might work in a debate or a courtroom, but it really backfires in a marriage. That day-to-day point-keeping puts you on opposing teams. You stop rooting for each other and the whole thing can get bad pretty fast. Ten years has taught me to forget the points, be a good sport and win the game.

5. “Go to bed mad.” I know it totally goes against conventional wisdom but I stand by this one. There have been times, at the end of the day, when I’ve forgotten Rule No. 4 and become tangled in an argument – usually about something I can’t even remember a month later. But at night, when we’re tired or stressed, the fight really seems worth fighting about. But if I go to bed and let it decompress, the morning usually brings a dose of reality and perspective. So I say it’s okay to go to bed mad. Just be sure to get over it by lunch.

6. “Sometimes I’m wrong.” Boy, that was a tough one to wrap my head around. Still is. But these past 10 years have made me realize that there are rare occasions when I’m not absolutely right about things, and it’s better to just admit it and move on. It’s humbling, but nobody wants to live with “Little Miss (or Mister) Can’t-Be-Wrong.”

7. “Play dates aren’t just for kids anymore.” One of the unfortunate parts of parenting is that we’re so busy being the grown-ups that we forget marriage is supposed to be fun. We make actual dates for our kids to get together and play, but couples rarely do that for themselves. One of the best pieces of advice we got was from a woman who said we should go out on dates to “play” – not just the standard “dinner and a movie” thing, because people don’t talk much during movies. So we went bowling and laughed at ourselves and each other and remembered that it’s okay to be a parent and still occasionally act like a goofy kid at play with your high school crush. How can you love somebody like you should if you don’t like them first? And how do you like somebody if you don’t ever have fun together? That’s why you’ve gotta go play.

8. “Wives have excellent long-term memory.” Tom added this one to my list, which I’m pretty sure is his sneaky way of saying that sometimes we women hang on to things a tad too long. That’s probably true. But I would also add that if more men would adhere to Rule No. 3, there wouldn’t be nearly as much stuff to remember for a decade.

9. “Lighten up.” Ever notice how the really intense dramas on television are usually on for only a couple of hours each night, from around 8 p.m. to 10 p.m.? I think it’s because too much drama is tiring. It burns you out and you end up wanting to get away from it. One of the keys to making it work in a marriage is learning to just lighten up and not make a federal case out of every little thing. Roll with it, and remember that comedies are more fun to watch.

10. “Be kind.” I know it sounds like over-simplifying, but let’s face it: If two people aren’t kind to each other, all the marriage books and couples retreats and counseling won’t heal it. It’s sad, how sometimes we’re kinder to strangers or mere acquaintances than we are to the people in our own home. We think true love should be “unconditional,” thereby letting us off the hook for bad behavior. But love is conditional. And its biggest condition insists – no, it demands – that we, above all else, “be kind.”

To my wonderfully kind husband of 10 great years, thanks for learning the rules along with me. I’m looking forward to a Top 20 List. Happy anniversary.

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By Erin, adopting mama

I have not written a post in two weeks, even though I’ve thought about it almost every day. This adoption process is getting to me, and thinking about it too much, and writing about it, makes me sad. Here is a list of excuses – feel sorry for me if you will!

There is nothing to tell – our profile is active, but there are no matches. We are considering going through our profile and our book and making some changes to see if that can help.

Isaac, our 3-year-old, is having the worst sleep problems I have ever encountered. He has always had some sleep problems, but these issues make everything in the past seem like nothing! It’s been at least two months of him taking hours to fall asleep, waking up multiple times each night, taking no naps at home, and having night terrors due to utter exhaustion. We have gone to the doctor, tried a million things, and are now starting to get some results, but it has been exhausting and all-consuming. Sometimes I believe that we don’t have our baby at home with us now because we are not ready – we were ready this summer and early September, but it seems like the Universe knows that our family can’t handle a baby at this time. Hopefully we will get these sleep issues worked out so we will be ready for a new person in our family soon!

Michael has worked a million hours at his main job as a Realtor, and his second job as a bartender lately. It’s great, because the money is sorely needed, but it makes dealing with the sleep issues that much harder for me.

Extended family drama continues. Enough said.

So, do you feel sorry for me yet? Just wait . . . I had a birthday this month – I turned 34. I did not think I would be 34 (and my husband pushing 40) and still be building my family. Now, there was a time that I thought I would not get married until my mid thirties and have kids much later, after I got tenure, when I was on the professor track. All of that changed, however, when I met Michael. We met right when I turned 25, got married a month before I turned 27, and started trying to get pregnant a year later – I was barely 28. Isaac was born right before I turned 31. Now, I know this is not old, but on our “track”, I should have had at least two children by now, and either be pregnant with number three now, be thinking about number three, or know that we were finished! I have been working on family building for six and a half years, and we only have one child. It’s amazing and very sad. I would not, of course, change a thing since it brought us Isaac, but it’s been a long journey, and we are not done yet! I just found out that an acquaintance of mine is accidentally pregnant during a time that is, to say the least, very bad for a surprise pregnancy. I hate to feel bitter, and I know that someone else’s pregnancy does not affect my ability to have children, but it hurts. It stings to know how badly I, and so many others, desperately want children and will try almost anything to get them, and some people get pregnant when it’s the very last thing that they want or need.

We are on our way to Dallas for Thanksgiving. We will see family members with new babies – babies that I cannot WAIT to see. But still, I can’t help but think, we SHOULD have another baby too. In fact, if the last adoption situation had worked out, we would be in Dallas with our new baby for all to meet. This trip will be wonderful I’m sure, but hard for me. The old infertile feelings are back, and I hate them. I hate feeling worthless about my inability to have a baby. I hate feeling bitter and angry about other people’s good fortune. I hate wincing at the sight or mention of a pregnancy. I hate feeling inadequate. I hate trying to explain our situation to people who have no ability or desire to really understand.

Despite all of this, at this Thanksgiving, I have so much to be thankful for. I am thankful for my beautiful and amazing little family – an unbelievable husband and the greatest kid I could ever ask for. Even with our problems, I am thankful for a loving and supportive extended family – especially my amazing mother and fantastic sister! I am thankful for this beautiful town I live in, for the many friends that enrich my life, for the health and relative happiness I experience every day, and, although it is difficult at times, for the ability to pursue the adoption of our next child. I am so thankful that we have the resources, support, and ability to pursue this adoption. Another child is in our future, whenever that might be.

Dear Amy,

I saw an ad in a magazine for a “vibrating” mascara. What is this and does it work?

Dear Gadget Girl,

You must be referring to Lancome’s newest mascara, “Oscillation.” This is either the craziest or the coolest product I’ve seen in a while – it has a battery powered, vibrating wand that claims to smoothly coat each lash up to 360 degrees. It’s pricey for a mascara ($34), but I couldn’t wait to try this out and see if it lives up to the hype.

It really is unique – you press a button on the wand and sweep it under your lashes just like traditional mascara. It took some practice to figure out the best application method (slowly and carefully seems to cut down on the clumps), and the vibrating wand can be a little tricky to work with on the little corner lashes (you don’t want to poke your eye with anything battery powered!)

Will I buy it again? I’m not sure. It did lengthen and separate my lashes very well and it didn’t smudge after a long day, but that’s no more than a good drug store mascara can do. For the money, I’m not convinced that it’s any better than my beloved Cover Girl Lash Blast. But, if you decide to buy it, I doubt you will be disappointed. It might be a fun thing to try out the next time Lancome is offering a “free gift.” Good luck!

Nearly 100 women stopped by for Signature Bank of Arkansas’ Ladies Night Out, an annual event held recently at the Pleasant Grove Road branch. Shea Dolan, mistress of ceremonies, presented door prizes every 15 minutes (including two from one of our favorite nwaMotherlode sponsors, Bath Junkie) while doctors from Mercy Health System offered wellness advice to guests in the boardroom throughout the evening.

Above: Dr. Andrew Leuders (center), family practice/obstetrics physician at Mercy Health System, posed with a group of Signature Bank ladies (plus Motherlode Mama, Shannon, second from the R; Mama Gwen was behind the camera) who were discussing pregnancy and babies. Dr. Leuders had just left the boardroom where women were studying his face on a Visia Camera. The picture showed previous sun damage (he’s since had much of the damage treated), and served as a visual example of how sun-damaged our faces can be without us even realizing it.

It didn’t take long before the Ladies Night Out ladies were having their faces analyzed to see the condition of their underlying skin (notice Dr. Leuders’ mug on the screen in the above photo). The Visia camera, which is available at Rogers Medical Center, identifies sun damage, future age spots, broken blood vessels and pore size. It even shows what your face will look like in five years if you continue to protect/not protect your skin. Seeing the detailed shots of Dr. Leuders’ past damage was a wake-up call to us ladies.

Gwen and Shannon weren’t brave enough to try the Visia camera, but for some reason, they did step on the machine that Dr. Randall Feezell had brought with him to the party. You know, the machine that analyzes your body fat content?

The Motherlode mamas won’t reveal our results, but we’ll say that the 5-pound glob of (plastic) fat that Dr. Feezell brought along was a very effective visual aid.

Dr. Feezell (seen to the right holding said fat glob) is moving to a new practice, NWA Gynecology. The new clinic will be located in the Mercy Physicians Plaza which will open in January 2009.

He’s full of great ideas about birth control, (out-of-control) period control and weight loss management.

Thanks to Signature Bank and Mercy Health System for a wonderful evening of friends, food and festivity!