Dear Jennifer,

Since my husband and I disagree about the election, I want my two teenagers to make up their own minds. But every time I start a family discussion about the candidates, my husband interrupts me, and says some obnoxious put-down about my candidate or about me. If I respond, we end up arguing. I’ve tried telling him that the goal is to get them to think for themselves, but that really gets him going. What I thought would be a good civics lesson is turning into a miserable time. Any ideas?

Dear Civics Mama,

Yes. Here it is: Stop trying to force your husband to participate in a conversation he doesn’t want to have.

While I agree that there’s no better civics lesson than the presidential election, your husband doesn’t see it that way. He also doesn’t see that contempt is hardly the best way to win teens to his point of view. Unless you really believe he’s going to change and suddenly be tolerant, supportive and wise, stop setting the stage for a fight, a nasty remark, disappointment and tension. That’s not the lesson you want your kids to learn.

I sympathize with your dream of a family in which everyone can talk calmly and rationally, explore the issues and encourage the children to think for themselves. That’s a good dream, and you deserve to have it realized. But right now, you don’t have a marriage that supports that dream. Unless you and your husband can utilize the love that bridged your differences in the first place to mend this situation and start fresh, I don’t think you’re going to have that marriage before November 4.

On top of that, politics is a dangerous game to play with an angry person. Oh, you can force the issue and create an argument. Or, you can drop the issue altogether and resent him. But why not re-design your dream as one in which you and your children talk about the election without Dad’s input?

It sounds like your husband’s afraid that if your children think for themselves, they won’t think his way. Chances are, he knows them well enough to figure out which candidate they prefer. Do you? If your kids are leaning toward your candidate, make sure you’re not encouraging them to talk so they’ll tell your husband that they’re on your side, not his. In other words, be certain that your motivation is what you say it is, and not one-upmanship, ‘the kids are on my side’ kind of thing.

Somehow the two of you have found a way to deal with your political differences in the past. I’m guessing that avoiding the subject was a big part of that compromise. If you want to change the terms of your compromise, talk to him. Tell him what your goal is, and why it’s so important to you that he be involved. Then, let him decide whether he shares that dream and how he wants to participate.

With all that said, please don’t give up on your goal of supporting your children to get involved and take their vote seriously. We have a remarkable process in this country, and we should all be proud and grateful to participate in it. Encouraging your children to be informed, active and to think for themselves deserves respect. You have mine.

Jennifer Hansen is a syndicated columnist, mom of 2 and one of those insightful friends who will tell you what you need to hear regardless of whether or not it’s what you want to hear. She is not a psychologist or licensed counselor, but she is one smart mama. Questions for Mind Your Mama are derived from submitted questions, suggestions and conversations with readers, staff and friends. All submissions are handled anonymously, and any question is welcome. Send questions or comments to mamas@nwaMotherlode.com.

Dear Jennifer,

Do you think it’s always a bad thing to raise your voice or yell at your kids? My best friend thinks it’s terrible to yell and she never does it. But her kids run all over her. I yell at my kids when I get really ticked off, but I think it’s okay if I don’t overdo it. What’s your take on it?

Dear Ole’ Yeller,

There’s no right or wrong about yelling. There’s right and wrong about honesty and self-control.

If you’re honestly upset at your kids and you yell at them within reason and then get it under control and get life back on track, you may have made your point the best way you were able. You also may have cleared the air and gotten everyone’s attention. If it’s a rare event, it has big impact. On the other hand, if your idea of yelling means screaming uncontrollably and berating or ridiculing your children, then yelling is absolutely not OK. Parents who yell all the time need to find other ways to solve problems.

If your friend can control her children without yelling, she’s doing great. But if she can’t control her children (poor parenting) or is pretending she’s not angry when she really is (dishonest communication), then what she’s doing isn’t working. Yelling certainly doesn’t have to be the answer. Lots of people can express themselves and set healthy boundaries their kids respect without it. In reality, though, most good moms yell from time to time. No one enjoys it, but it happens and it can get results. The absolute absence of yelling is a wonderful goal but hard to achieve while being honest and running a household.

Bear in mind that every family has a different family culture. Yelling is how some families relate. It’s how others hurt each other. Your own family culture will have something to do with whether yelling happens and especially with what it means. Yelling at your kids is largely a situational decision. In other words, it’s not the yelling itself that matters, it’s the parenting that goes with it, the duration and focus of the episode, and the recovery that follows. When we lose it, our children see that we have limits, we’re human, and we won’t be pushed too far. Sometimes, a brief loudness lets everyone enjoy a long quiet after.

Dear Jennifer,

I have a friend who has complained about her husband for years now. I always figured it was normal grumbling that women sometimes do to let off steam. But recently she started talking about another guy in glowing terms. She told me he sometimes calls her during the day and they’ve even seen each other out occasionally. I was really uncomfortable hearing all this because she’s married and I know her husband. Now, I’m beyond uncomfortable. She told me the guy kissed her the last time they saw each other. Now she’s even angrier at her husband and wants to talk about this other guy all the time. I disapprove, but don’t want to alienate my friend when she seems to need help. I’ve tried to gently tell her that this could end badly and her daughters will be the ones to suffer. She doesn’t seem to be thinking straight, though. Help!

Dear Friend,

Warning: This isn’t your marriage to save. It’s hers.

Your friend is having an affair, maybe it’s not fully physical – yet - but it’s fully intoxicating. You’re right – she’s not thinking straight and she’s definitely not hearing your “gentle” advice. You can either speak plainly and set some boundaries, or you can continue to be a sounding board for her rationalizations. Proceed with caution, this is a sticky situation and it’s likely to get ugly. You may not want to get caught in the middle.

How we talk about our mates matters. You say your friend has complained about her husband for years and you thought it was ‘normal grumbling’. What’s normal grumbling? Any time complaints outweigh compliments for an extended period of time, there’s a problem. Marriage has rough spots, hard times, even terrible times, but hopefully it also has strengths, joys and comforts. That healthy balance should be reflected in what we say about our partners. When it’s not, we’ve got work to do.

Affairs happen for a reason. Either your friend has been genuinely unhappy in her marriage for years, and you didn’t get that, or your friend is a complainer. Whichever it is, problems that go unresolved tend to get bigger, so it’s no surprise she’s involved with someone else. Even if her husband is a jerk and she had good reason to complain, the adult thing to do was to solve – or try to solve - the problems first. However, that’s not the order of things unhappy people tend to follow.

Your loyalty to your friend deserves respect. She’s lucky to have you and yes, she probably does need you. That doesn’t mean you have to tiptoe around what she’s doing. Knowing that she may not have shared all the details with you, you can at least call this relationship what you know it is – she’s having an emotional affair that’s getting more and more physical.

The fact that she’s angrier at her husband now, when she’s the one breaking the rules, suggests she’s trying to avoid feeling guilty by making excuses for her behavior. Since most affairs don’t end happily, your friend may need someone to tell her to wake up, be careful and act like an adult. If you disapprove of what she’s doing, say so. In the long run, honesty is usually the best policy.

Ask your friend to stop sharing details with you and to start talking to her husband about their problems. Let her know you want to support her, but you’re disappointed with her choices and deeply concerned for her children. Even if she and her husband don’t deserve a shot at making this marriage work, her children do. Refuse to listen to your friend justify her actions. Tell her that affairs don’t just happen, they happen by choice.

Dear Jennifer,

Yesterday I accidentally walked in on my 17-year-old son and his girlfriend having sex in his room. (He thought we weren’t coming home until later in the evening.) In the moment, I just walked right back out and retreated to my room until his girlfriend left soon after. My son and I still haven’t talked about it, and I have no idea what to do or say. Should I ask if he was using protection? Should I call the girlfriend’s mother? Should I punish him? I need help.

Dear Speechless,

You still haven’t talked about it? That must have been the longest day of his life.

Yes, dear. You should sit his butt down on the couch and ask all the obvious questions. However, before you do, take stock of what you’ve told him regarding the rules of your home and your own moral standards and expectations regarding premarital and teen sex. Obviously, he was doing this when he thought he wouldn’t get caught, so there’s a breach of trust to address. Beyond that, if you’ve taken a strong stand against premarital sex or at least sex at his age, you have a right to be disappointed. If you haven’t taken a strong stand, and you’re disappointed now, you’ve learned a lesson.

Preface the inquisition with, “There are some questions I need answers to, and then we’re going to talk about what happens next.” Remember, on some level he’s mortified. So strike while he’s vulnerable and find out how long they’ve been having sex. Are they using protection? What kind? Every time? How do they get it and who pays? What’s his sexual history? What’s hers? How does he know?

Even though both of you are uncomfortable, you have the full weight of parental authority and, I hope, outrage. He’s transgressed on many levels, and you have a right to be disappointed and deeply concerned. For the record, the “How could you?” line won’t get you anywhere. He could and he did, like so many of his peers.

The line that works better is, “OK, you want to be a grown up, now act like one.” Chances are this wasn’t the first time they had sex, and it may not be the last. Statistics suggest that most teenage girls who get pregnant do so after school, when supervision is low and/or someone’s house is empty. Teen sex is an act of opportunity as well as passion, and kids who’ve made a decision to have sex will do so whenever the opportunity arises.

The challenge you face is that this is a 17-year-old you’re dealing with. Within a year he’ll be in college or on his own. Until then, he should abide by the rules of your house. However, sex is like the genie in the bottle, once released, it’s hard to ignore. So, ask relationship questions: “How do you feel about this girl? How does she feel about you? Are the two of you ready for kids? No? Well, guess what - looked like you were trying to make one.”

If he and this girl are serious, don’t ridicule their feelings for each other. Question their understanding of the consequences of their behavior, but don’t underestimate the power of young love. Too many parents forget how deeply they cared for their first love, and how rashly they acted to be together. If this wasn’t the first time, then they’re going to find time to be together again unless you somehow give him enough reason to set limits.

The good news is, he may still want you to help him set those limits. As you have learned, no one can supervise the average teen forever. But supervision can make a difference – it may make all the difference. One obvious penalty here is that he’s lost your trust, and maybe a whole lot of his freedom. At the same time, not every teen is ready for sex, even after they try it, and he may be relieved if you help him stay away from situations he’s not ready for.

The subtext here is that you don’t say whether or not you suspected they were sexually active. You may not want to admit that you did. So be persistent, direct and calm, and don’t act naive. This is not a situation either of you wants to be in, but he created it and now he has to pay the consequences.

Once you get the facts straight, you have to decide whether or not to tell the girl’s parents. Let circumstances guide you, and put yourself in their position. Would you want to know? Your son won’t want you to tell them, and he’ll give you all sorts of reasons why you shouldn’t. Listen to him, but don’t feel rushed to decide in the moment. You may want to consider this for a while. There’s a lot at stake here.

When you’ve laid down your rules, and established whatever penalty you intend to exact, ask your son what his beliefs are about sex. Find out what he thinks is OK, and when, and where. Ask him point blank if he thinks he was doing something wrong by having sex, by having it in your home, or both. It’s time you understood how he sees these things.

Let him know that you are angry and hurt that he has violated your house rules and your moral standards. Make it clear that now that he’s made a seriously adult decision, you will re-examine how much you expect of him and whether it’s enough. Sex is an act with huge potential consequences – not all happy ones. It’s an adult decision, and your son needs to realize by how you treat him from now on, that you are expecting adult behavior from him.

A final note: Watch out for the, “It’s only casual, no big deal, etc.” attitude. That may be his way of covering up embarrassment or it may reflect his belief. “It’s only casual” is easy to say, especially for men, but lots of girls say it, too. In fact, in many cases it’s the girl who is the aggressor, promising that the sex is only casual or that she and he are “friends with benefits.” If you sense that he’s buying into this charade, your outrage should go into overdrive. Don’t accept this and don’t tolerate him believing it.

Young men need to hear FROM THEIR PARENTS that sex is different for men and women. Don’t let him pretend it’s not so he can behave irresponsibly. Sex is hugely powerful - emotionally and physiologically - for women, even for many who say it’s all in fun. He needs to hear from you that many girls having “casual” sex are hoping to fall in love or are desperately trying to feel loved. No matter what the girl says, your son is responsible for his behavior and his choices as well as for their consequences for all involved. Sex is a choice that changes lives.

For the record, there’s still a double standard. Regardless of how incredibly unfair it is, and it is, it exists. Young males who have sex have moved that much closer to manhood. Young women who have sex have given – or lost - something precious. Either way, it takes two. For every man who earns points, there’s a woman who’s taken a big risk. It’s your job to explain this to your son, and to ask how responsible he intends to be for that result.

Jennifer Hansen is a syndicated columnist, mom of 2 and one of those insightful friends who will tell you what you need to hear regardless of whether or not it’s what you want to hear. She is not a psychologist or licensed counselor, but she is one smart mama. E-mail her at mamas@nwaMotherlode.com. All names are kept private.