By Vikki Spencer

Mom anger ranks as a taboo topic.

We read about tips for disciplining kids, balancing schedules, making a new casserole and how to save money – but rarely do we read “Top 5 Ways to Stop Being Ticked Off�.  There are no support groups that start with “Hi, I’m Sarah and I’m an angry Mommy.� “Hi Sarah…�

I’d actually like to see a whole blog or website dedicated solely to mama anger – complete with pictures of moms with mouths wide open and eyebrows furled. I’d feel so much better about myself.

Anger management is a work in progress for me. I have worked very hard, read lots of books, made tons of apologies and prayed –hard. In short, I’m on the road to recovery. Or, at least I know when to walk away and regroup in the bathroom before last night’s spaghetti starts blowing out of my ears.

So, I was surprised (but not totally shocked) to hear my 11-year-old son Jordan say, “You’re always mad at me!�

“Always?� I questioned.

“Well, almost always … sometimes.â€�

I thought if I kept asking I could work him down to “well, once this year you really yelled.� Instead, I said, “thanks for telling me how you feel� as I walked away for a “momma time out� (straight to the bedroom). I wondered how he and I could land on the same perception about my anger towards him. It had been a string of really great weeks, yet he still sensed something was wrong. 

I came up with the idea of index cards. I made five cards that simply say, “I feel you are mad at me.â€� His instructions: slap a card on the table whenever he feels or thinks I’m angry without a reason he can understand. If I get carded, we’ll talk about it -without anger.  We’re over a month into this and I’ve been carded one time - and I totally apologized. Now I can move onto the other 3,792 things I need to change…

In all my research through books, therapists, friends and personal experience, I’m going to make a scholarly analogy: anger is like a worn-out bra.

When bras are old, stretched out and ruined, they don’t accomplish their purpose. We usually hold onto them longer than we need to. It takes effort to toss and replace. Sometimes it’s easier to forget it’s a problem. Ultimately, we pass ourselves in the mirror one day and after acknowledging the reflection, find the nearest trash can and part with said undergarment. We make the time and effort to find a new one.  Bottom line for both bras and anger is - we keep ‘em around way longer than they work for us. Let’s look at anger’s “benefits� thus making us feel it’s still useful in some way.

The 9 Benefits of Anger

 Here are a few reasons we hold on to anger (yep, came up with the list all by myself…) 

1)  It feels good

2) It’s instant communication

3) It distances people (who probably have hurt us).

4) It’s powerful

5) It’s a choice (when we feel out of control)

6) It’s a clue (that something is wrong)

7) It’s honest (ever try lying while you’re yelling?)

It’s protective (from being hurt again)

9) It focuses the blame on someone besides me (ahhhh)

Anger serves us. The ways above are just a “mirror� for realizing the ways we use anger for our benefit – right before we decide to ditch it for something new and better.

Ultimately, all the “perks� of anger don’t outweigh the collateral damage that happens. We’ll chat about that next time in Mother Anger, Part II.

Vikki Spencer is a freelance writer and mom coach. You can follow her on Twitter at www.twitter.com/momwhisperer

Womenade NWA is hosting a Girls Night Out on Thursday, March 5, from 6 to 8 p.m. at Savor (2217 N. College, Fayetteville). The only cost of admission is BLING! (Cash donations also accepted.)

Bring new or gently used jewelry, evening bags, hair clips, perfume, nail polish, makeup — anything it will take to get GLAMOROUS for the prom. These items will be donated to Fayetteville High School’s Glass Slipper Project, which helps needy girls with prom accessories, hair and nails.

Appetizers will be provided and a cash bar will be available.

Modeled after Washington Womenade, Womenade NWA was founded on April 29, 2008, by a group of busy, professional women who wanted to combine fun, fellowship and friendship while giving back to their community. Instead of taking their $25 to a local restaurant, the women meet for dinner and pool that money for special projects in the community.

Contact the group at womenadenwa@yahoo.com.

Jackson L. Graves, the firstborn son of James and Angie Graves of Fayetteville, spent his entirely too short, yet inspirational life in the Arkansas Children’s Hospital’s neonatal intensive care unit. Since his death more than three years ago, his parents have partnered with Children’s Hospital and are doing all they can to improve care for children who have extended stays in intensive care and to improve the experience for the families of those children.

One of the largest fund-raisers for the Jackson L. Graves Foundation is an event called Red, White and Baby Blue. You just go and hang out, eat, participate in an auction if you’d like and listen to live music. There will also be speakers from Children’s Hospital and Jackson’s foundation. It’s free, but donations are accepted for the foundation. The event is at the Waterford Estates Clubhouse off Highway 45 in Fayetteville (5.5 miles east of the Hwy 45/Hwy 265 intersection). It’s from 6:30 to 9 p.m. and it’s dressy casual. The goal is to raise $15,000 and every little bit helps! An RSVP is not required, but you can e-mail info@jacksongraves.org or call 479-466-6103.

“We’re excited about the upcoming event. It’s a great way to spend your date night or you can just stop by before hitting the town,” Angie said. “In the past, this Foundation has funded items such as a family resource center for the NICU waiting room, privacy screens, digital camera supplies, and our largest project to date was the funding of new Vocera communication devices to eliminate noisy intercoms throughout the NICU. After this year’s event, we’ll work with the hospital to ensure that money raised will go directly toward funding the highest priority needs for these critically ill babies and their families.”

If you want to read more about little Jackson’s life and to find out more about the foundation, click here. James and Angie have become the parents of two more sons since Jackson was born. To read about Charlie and Henry, go to Angie’s personal blog, Charlie’s and Henry’s World.