By Erin, adopting mama blogger

A – Adoption — the topic of this blog. There is nothing to report – we have been officially waiting for seven months now. I never thought it would take this long, but I know that this is not THAT long in the scheme of things. I am hopeful we will bring Shlomo home soon!

B – Baths — long, hot baths with lots of lavender oil. Bliss

C – (1) Camp fires – sitting by a camp fire on a chilly, dark evening – watching the flames, singing some songs, drinking some drinks . . . (2) Coffee – one of my greatest pleasures – the only real reason I get up in the morning!

D – “Damn it” – Isaac’s first curse word – no, really. Yes, our son learned it from me and even brought it out for his teacher at school! Great, huh? Don’t worry, now he knows that it’s not a nice word, and finds it appropriate to tell us that, “I can’t say damn it.”

E – Enough – this will be my last meme for a long time – I promise!

F – Facebook – my new online addiction. I started using it for work, and now can’t get enough!

G – Gum — I used to chew gum daily – loved it, was obsessed with having it in my purse at all times. Then, last year, I got a temporary crown and could not chew it anymore. I missed it for about one week and have not chewed it since. Now, I notice people chomping away on gum all of the time, and I am shocked by how crude it looks!

H – Hanukkah — The holiday that we celebrate this time of year. How do you spell this anyway? Hanukah, Chanukah, Hanukkah . . . it’s a conundrum.

I – Isaac — my darling, three-year-old son – the light of my life. Enough said.

J – Junk – we plan to do a massive cleaning over our winter break. We will start in the back of the house, vacuum cleaner, trash bag, and donation bag in hand, and work our way forward. We will clean out all of the JUNK! I have done a smaller version of this at least five times in the last three years, but it seems to never last for long!

K – Kleen Kanteen – Have you gotten a non-plastic reusable water bottle yet? This brand is the best! We had Siggs before, but we like our KK’s much better – they even come in a sippy cup version! I take mine everywhere.

L – laughable – this list.

M — Matzo Ball Soup — take homemade chicken noodle soup, than turn it up a notch — fluffy little dumplings, floating in a wonderfully savory and salty broth. My ultimate comfort food – I could eat it every day. Especially when Michael makes it.

N – Noodles – Asian style noodles in a yummy broth – another one of my comfort foods. Yum! Like soup?

O – (1) Osegueras — the best Mexican food in town – we eat here at least once every two weeks. If you have not tried the tortilla soup, you must! (2) Obama – I was late to the Obama “party” because I have always been a hard-core Hillary fan. I was sad when she did not get the nomination. THEN, I really LISTENED to him speak at the Democratic National Convention. OH MY GOD – I was hooked – I love him, and I am so excited for our country right now!

P – (1) Pointless – this list is turning out to be pretty pointless, sorry. (2) Presents – Hanukkah presents that I can’t wait to give Isaac – play kitchen, enormous truck/crane combo, books, books, books . . . Present I would like to receive – a new baby – not likely!

Q – Queenie. Remember that car game where you take each letter of the alphabet and come up with a name, a city, and a “thing.” For example, “A, my name is Andy, I live in Austin, and I like to eat apples.” My dad ALWAYS got Q. He ALWAYS said, “Q, my name is Queenie . . . “ Queenie – is that really a name?

R – Reading. What would I do without it? I am an avid reader – from chick lit, to literary fiction, from memoirs, to non-fiction essay type works, to my favorite magazine, “Mother Earth News”, you can always find me with at least one book or magazine in the works.

S – Shlomo – the nickname of the baby we hope to bring home soon. Come on, Shlomo , we are waiting for you!

T – “This time in 2005” – On December 27, 2005, after 99 days in the hospital, we brought Isaac home for the first time. I am always nostalgic during these months. December was a great month, though. Isaac was growing, learning to eat, coming off of his oxygen, wearing his cute little outfits, and becoming a “real” baby. We were SO ready for him to come home, and we enjoyed every moment in the hospital. This will be posted on 19th – we were eight days away from bringing our little boy home! Hopefully, we are almost as close to bringing our NEXT baby home!

U – Underwear – trying to get Isaac potty trained and wearing “big boy underwear” all of the time. He is not interested still at 3 years and 3 months – I AM interested – how will this work?

V – Vacation – I need one. I am getting ready for two weeks off of work, but that’s not a “real” vacation. I have not been on a real vacation since we went skiing in Colorado the winter after we moved to Fayetteville – that was January, 2005. Before that, was our honeymoon in Costa Rica in October, 2001. We seem to travel – to Dallas to see family, to Denver to see family – I want to go on a vacation that does not involve visiting family!

W – Willie Nelson– One of my all-time favorite musicians. Love him.

X – Xmas – I hate this term, and I don’t even celebrate Christmas. Is it that hard to write the WHOLE word?

Y – Yoga – the exercise and relaxation program that I love, and have started doing again recently. I actually crave and look forward to going to yoga or finding the time to do it at home – wow!

Z – Zoos – I am not a fan of zoos. Really good zoos – understandable and good for helping us learn about animals and keep certain species safe. Really bad zoos — hard to stomach. Animals behind bars? Makes me weep.

There you go. Me, from A to Z – fun, huh? I think I have worn out my use of these types of memes. Come 2009 – my blog resolution? NO MORE MEMES!

Happy Holidays all – here is to a happy, healthy, prosperous new year for us all!

By Erin, adopting mama

Everything started out fine. Our drive to Dallas was easy, our hotel room very nice, and our visit with the in-laws, aunts and uncles, and cousins very pleasant. The two and three year old boys enjoyed playing “near” each other, and only fought over toys a little bit. The babies were adorable. The family pictures on Thanksgiving Day were fine, and the rest of the family was only forty-five minutes late, allowing MY family (perpetually on time and prepared in the midst of the family chaos) to have a ton of our own pictures taken. The Thanksgiving meal was delicious, the pony rides for the kiddos (yes, my mother-in-law hired a pony) was a hit! Isaac even decided to ride the pony, despite the fact that he told us he would not for the week preceding our trip. We visited with friends, some of my family, and ate some great food.

All went well, despite the chaos of Michael’s family and a bunch of kids under three, until Saturday night. Isaac woke up at 2:30 a.m. with a fever of 103. After a middle of the night trip to Wal-Mart for medicine and a thermometer, and an hour or two of Dora, we were all able to go back to sleep. We decided to leave a day early, and headed to the in-laws, sick kid still in pj’s, to say goodbye.

I am not going to go into the craziness – the true psychosis – of what happened next. Let’s just say that we had a blow out with Michael’s dad. A blow out to end all. A situation that can hardly be put into words – the hatred, the ludicrousness, the absurdity, the violence – it would blow your mind. All about our family-building decisions, our adoption, our decision NOT to pursue surrogacy, all about power, all about ignorance, hatred, close-mindedness, and severely screwed up family dynamics.

I am so sad that this has happened again. I am so sad and scared about what this means for our future, and our children’s future.

Yet, despite it all, I remain hopeful, thankful, and positive about the future of OUR little family.

Next year . . . Thanksgiving in Mexico?

By Erin, adopting mama

I have not written a post in two weeks, even though I’ve thought about it almost every day. This adoption process is getting to me, and thinking about it too much, and writing about it, makes me sad. Here is a list of excuses – feel sorry for me if you will!

There is nothing to tell – our profile is active, but there are no matches. We are considering going through our profile and our book and making some changes to see if that can help.

Isaac, our 3-year-old, is having the worst sleep problems I have ever encountered. He has always had some sleep problems, but these issues make everything in the past seem like nothing! It’s been at least two months of him taking hours to fall asleep, waking up multiple times each night, taking no naps at home, and having night terrors due to utter exhaustion. We have gone to the doctor, tried a million things, and are now starting to get some results, but it has been exhausting and all-consuming. Sometimes I believe that we don’t have our baby at home with us now because we are not ready – we were ready this summer and early September, but it seems like the Universe knows that our family can’t handle a baby at this time. Hopefully we will get these sleep issues worked out so we will be ready for a new person in our family soon!

Michael has worked a million hours at his main job as a Realtor, and his second job as a bartender lately. It’s great, because the money is sorely needed, but it makes dealing with the sleep issues that much harder for me.

Extended family drama continues. Enough said.

So, do you feel sorry for me yet? Just wait . . . I had a birthday this month – I turned 34. I did not think I would be 34 (and my husband pushing 40) and still be building my family. Now, there was a time that I thought I would not get married until my mid thirties and have kids much later, after I got tenure, when I was on the professor track. All of that changed, however, when I met Michael. We met right when I turned 25, got married a month before I turned 27, and started trying to get pregnant a year later – I was barely 28. Isaac was born right before I turned 31. Now, I know this is not old, but on our “track”, I should have had at least two children by now, and either be pregnant with number three now, be thinking about number three, or know that we were finished! I have been working on family building for six and a half years, and we only have one child. It’s amazing and very sad. I would not, of course, change a thing since it brought us Isaac, but it’s been a long journey, and we are not done yet! I just found out that an acquaintance of mine is accidentally pregnant during a time that is, to say the least, very bad for a surprise pregnancy. I hate to feel bitter, and I know that someone else’s pregnancy does not affect my ability to have children, but it hurts. It stings to know how badly I, and so many others, desperately want children and will try almost anything to get them, and some people get pregnant when it’s the very last thing that they want or need.

We are on our way to Dallas for Thanksgiving. We will see family members with new babies – babies that I cannot WAIT to see. But still, I can’t help but think, we SHOULD have another baby too. In fact, if the last adoption situation had worked out, we would be in Dallas with our new baby for all to meet. This trip will be wonderful I’m sure, but hard for me. The old infertile feelings are back, and I hate them. I hate feeling worthless about my inability to have a baby. I hate feeling bitter and angry about other people’s good fortune. I hate wincing at the sight or mention of a pregnancy. I hate feeling inadequate. I hate trying to explain our situation to people who have no ability or desire to really understand.

Despite all of this, at this Thanksgiving, I have so much to be thankful for. I am thankful for my beautiful and amazing little family – an unbelievable husband and the greatest kid I could ever ask for. Even with our problems, I am thankful for a loving and supportive extended family – especially my amazing mother and fantastic sister! I am thankful for this beautiful town I live in, for the many friends that enrich my life, for the health and relative happiness I experience every day, and, although it is difficult at times, for the ability to pursue the adoption of our next child. I am so thankful that we have the resources, support, and ability to pursue this adoption. Another child is in our future, whenever that might be.

By Erin, adoption blogger

Ok, I think I am ready to write about this. It’s been a difficult few weeks. We had an adoptive situation fall through a few months ago, but it lasted only 24 hours and turned really crazy at the end, so it was a bit of a relief when we said no and the birth mother changed her mind. This was a different story.

About three weeks ago, we were notified that our family was chosen by a birth mother. We learned some preliminary information, and asked to receive the full packet on the birth family. We first learned that we were chosen by this birth mother on October 6, a Monday. We had to wait for some medical records to come in, and by that Friday, we received the packet in the mail. We had a lot of questions, so called to talk to the social worker in charge of the case. Our social worker was out of the office on Friday, and the following Monday was Columbus Day. What a HARD wait! We were able to get a bit more information from the director, but we still had more questions. We had to wait until TUESDAY – I thought I would crack under the pressure. At that point, we had known about this adoption for 9 days, but were unable to clarify information that would help us make a final decision. We told my sister and brother-in-law, who are our go-to people with regards to support and information on this process since they just went through it, and one other friend who lives out of town. I wanted to scream it from the rooftops, because I was SO sure it was going to work out. I restrained myself, but it was hard.

On Tuesday, October 14, our 7^th wedding anniversary and in the midst of a huge stress fight, we were finally able to talk to the social worker. We found out more background and health information, and we BOTH started to feel REALLY positive that this might be our baby. We were ready to sign the commitment letter and have our personal loan dispersed to cover the next set of fees, but we wanted the social worker to clarify one more piece of information for us. We were sure it was fine, but decided to ask just in case. We made up from our fight, and Michael actually started to get excited (that’s really what the fight was about)! We took Isaac over to my parent’s house so we could go out and celebrate our anniversary. Before we left for dinner, we told them the news – “We think we have a baby. The birth mother is scheduled for a c-section on November 13. It’s a baby GIRL!” My mother was so excited she jumped up and down and almost cried. We left their house beaming, and continued to talk about our plans, the new baby, possible names, and how to work out all of the travel plans, throughout the night. We are planning to go to Dallas for Thanksgiving anyway, so we knew we would drive to Dallas around the 11^th, spend the night, drive on the San Antonio, meet the new baby, stay in San Antonio for as long as we needed to in order to get the clear to travel, go back to Dallas, celebrate Thanksgiving with all of Michael’s sisters and friends, and come home as soon as the paperwork cleared. It could not have worked out more perfectly in regards to timing. Yes, I am a planner. We even had plans for my Mom to fly to San Antonio to help us with Isaac! This was all mapped out in my head within days of receiving the news. I tried so hard not to do too much planning, but it’s hard to keep yourself from doing what comes naturally!

By Friday afternoon, I had restrained myself from buying any girl clothes, but I had made a packing list. Our social worker could not get in touch with the birth mother by phone, but had a meeting with her on Friday afternoon. By Thursday evening, we could not wait anymore, and we made the announcement to Michael’s parents and sisters. I’m sure you remember how many problems we had with Michael’s parents regarding this adoption. Well, Michael’s mother was moved to tears – in a good way! Everything was going wonderfully . . . Even Isaac was excited about his “new baby sister” that would be coming to live with us soon.

Friday afternoon – things had been in the works for 12 days. We still had not signed our commitment letter, because we were waiting to clarify that final piece of information. The birth mother had a doctor’s appointment in the late morning and then came into the agency. Our social worker had gone home sick, so the director was working with us instead. She called us. The birth mom wanted to talk to us on the phone – were we ready to sign the papers? We said we still had not heard from the social worker regarding that final piece of information. The director said she had emailed it that morning, but we had not received it . . . Everything that came next happened in a rush and in slow motion, all at the same time –

We are on the phone with the director.

Birth mother is waiting in the next room at the agency, ready to talk to us on the phone.

Director finds email from social worker, forwards it and reads it aloud on the phone.

Deafening silence from us.

Heart starts to crumble.

Let us call you back in just a minute.

Read email.

Re-read email.

Look at each other.

Phone rings – it’s the Director. Birth Mother is waiting – are we ready?

Give us 10 more minutes.

Frantic phone call to sister.

Frantic phone calls to friends with professional knowledge of specific situation.

Wait.

Everything stops.

Wait.

It should not be this hard.

I look at Michael. We can’t do this. He looks at me. We can’t do this.

Call director.

We can’t do this. We can’t do this. We can’t do this.

Heart is breaking.

A small piece of my heart has been taken by this experience. Our adoption just became ten times harder. The numbness is easing. The sadness is receding. The birth mother found another family, and they will be the perfect family for this baby. There are so many emotions – grief, guilt, sadness, guilt, disappointment, guilt, guilt, guiltguiltguiltguiltguilt. Thanksgiving will be hard – no new baby to join our family. Our baby is out there. The time will come. The guilt, sadness, and disappointment will slowly ease. There will always be a piece of this November 13^th baby girl in my heart, but thankfully, my heart is big enough for more.