Here at nwamotherlode.com you can exercise your mind, body and soul through a variety of topics and how-tos from experts, fellow mamas and people who just plain know their stuff. But you can also see how some Motherlode mamas deal with obstacles, triumphs, defeats and daily life by reading the Mama Blogs.

Current Mama Blogs:

All Akimbo — a mother’s struggle with endometriosis and secondary infertility

Life With Ladybug — daily life with a precocious 6-year-old

The Rockwood Files — observations from life as a mama, wife and woman

What I’ve Learned in a Decade of Marriage:

1. “When I got married, I was stupid.” What I mean by that is, I had no idea just how huge a decision I was making. Sure, I’d heard all the blah-blah-blah about how marriage is a big step, but it’s hard to comprehend the blah-blah when you’re in your early twenties. What I know now that I didn’t know then is that choosing a person to spend your life with is perhaps the biggest factor in how the rest of your life will go. Education is important. Jobs are important. But nothing even comes close to who you choose to trust, to spend your life with, to make babies with. Nothing comes close to that.

2. “He just needs to drive.” This means that spouses have to learn their partner’s quirks and accept them. Tom needs to drive. Even though I’m a perfectly good driver with an excellent record, he can only tolerate being in the passenger seat for roughly 10 minutes and then it’s nearly killing him. He just needs to drive. What he has learned about me is that, while I will surrender the driver’s seat without much protest, I can not be driven down an unfamiliar road “just to see where it goes.” I need to know where we’re going. We’ve both learned to accept each other’s needs and drive or ride accordingly.

3. “Think before you speak.” That one speaks for itself, doesn’t it?

4. “Points are for losers.” When I first got married, I was under the delusion that arguments were opportunities to win or lose, as in “score your points and win your case.” That might work in a debate or a courtroom, but it really backfires in a marriage. That day-to-day point-keeping puts you on opposing teams. You stop rooting for each other and the whole thing can get bad pretty fast. Ten years has taught me to forget the points, be a good sport and win the game.

5. “Go to bed mad.” I know it totally goes against conventional wisdom but I stand by this one. There have been times, at the end of the day, when I’ve forgotten Rule No. 4 and become tangled in an argument – usually about something I can’t even remember a month later. But at night, when we’re tired or stressed, the fight really seems worth fighting about. But if I go to bed and let it decompress, the morning usually brings a dose of reality and perspective. So I say it’s okay to go to bed mad. Just be sure to get over it by lunch.

6. “Sometimes I’m wrong.” Boy, that was a tough one to wrap my head around. Still is. But these past 10 years have made me realize that there are rare occasions when I’m not absolutely right about things, and it’s better to just admit it and move on. It’s humbling, but nobody wants to live with “Little Miss (or Mister) Can’t-Be-Wrong.”

7. “Play dates aren’t just for kids anymore.” One of the unfortunate parts of parenting is that we’re so busy being the grown-ups that we forget marriage is supposed to be fun. We make actual dates for our kids to get together and play, but couples rarely do that for themselves. One of the best pieces of advice we got was from a woman who said we should go out on dates to “play” – not just the standard “dinner and a movie” thing, because people don’t talk much during movies. So we went bowling and laughed at ourselves and each other and remembered that it’s okay to be a parent and still occasionally act like a goofy kid at play with your high school crush. How can you love somebody like you should if you don’t like them first? And how do you like somebody if you don’t ever have fun together? That’s why you’ve gotta go play.

8. “Wives have excellent long-term memory.” Tom added this one to my list, which I’m pretty sure is his sneaky way of saying that sometimes we women hang on to things a tad too long. That’s probably true. But I would also add that if more men would adhere to Rule No. 3, there wouldn’t be nearly as much stuff to remember for a decade.

9. “Lighten up.” Ever notice how the really intense dramas on television are usually on for only a couple of hours each night, from around 8 p.m. to 10 p.m.? I think it’s because too much drama is tiring. It burns you out and you end up wanting to get away from it. One of the keys to making it work in a marriage is learning to just lighten up and not make a federal case out of every little thing. Roll with it, and remember that comedies are more fun to watch.

10. “Be kind.” I know it sounds like over-simplifying, but let’s face it: If two people aren’t kind to each other, all the marriage books and couples retreats and counseling won’t heal it. It’s sad, how sometimes we’re kinder to strangers or mere acquaintances than we are to the people in our own home. We think true love should be “unconditional,” thereby letting us off the hook for bad behavior. But love is conditional. And its biggest condition insists – no, it demands – that we, above all else, “be kind.”

To my wonderfully kind husband of 10 great years, thanks for learning the rules along with me. I’m looking forward to a Top 20 List. Happy anniversary.

Want to read more Rockwood Files? Click HERE.

By Erin, adopting mama

I have not written a post in two weeks, even though I’ve thought about it almost every day. This adoption process is getting to me, and thinking about it too much, and writing about it, makes me sad. Here is a list of excuses – feel sorry for me if you will!

There is nothing to tell – our profile is active, but there are no matches. We are considering going through our profile and our book and making some changes to see if that can help.

Isaac, our 3-year-old, is having the worst sleep problems I have ever encountered. He has always had some sleep problems, but these issues make everything in the past seem like nothing! It’s been at least two months of him taking hours to fall asleep, waking up multiple times each night, taking no naps at home, and having night terrors due to utter exhaustion. We have gone to the doctor, tried a million things, and are now starting to get some results, but it has been exhausting and all-consuming. Sometimes I believe that we don’t have our baby at home with us now because we are not ready – we were ready this summer and early September, but it seems like the Universe knows that our family can’t handle a baby at this time. Hopefully we will get these sleep issues worked out so we will be ready for a new person in our family soon!

Michael has worked a million hours at his main job as a Realtor, and his second job as a bartender lately. It’s great, because the money is sorely needed, but it makes dealing with the sleep issues that much harder for me.

Extended family drama continues. Enough said.

So, do you feel sorry for me yet? Just wait . . . I had a birthday this month – I turned 34. I did not think I would be 34 (and my husband pushing 40) and still be building my family. Now, there was a time that I thought I would not get married until my mid thirties and have kids much later, after I got tenure, when I was on the professor track. All of that changed, however, when I met Michael. We met right when I turned 25, got married a month before I turned 27, and started trying to get pregnant a year later – I was barely 28. Isaac was born right before I turned 31. Now, I know this is not old, but on our “track”, I should have had at least two children by now, and either be pregnant with number three now, be thinking about number three, or know that we were finished! I have been working on family building for six and a half years, and we only have one child. It’s amazing and very sad. I would not, of course, change a thing since it brought us Isaac, but it’s been a long journey, and we are not done yet! I just found out that an acquaintance of mine is accidentally pregnant during a time that is, to say the least, very bad for a surprise pregnancy. I hate to feel bitter, and I know that someone else’s pregnancy does not affect my ability to have children, but it hurts. It stings to know how badly I, and so many others, desperately want children and will try almost anything to get them, and some people get pregnant when it’s the very last thing that they want or need.

We are on our way to Dallas for Thanksgiving. We will see family members with new babies – babies that I cannot WAIT to see. But still, I can’t help but think, we SHOULD have another baby too. In fact, if the last adoption situation had worked out, we would be in Dallas with our new baby for all to meet. This trip will be wonderful I’m sure, but hard for me. The old infertile feelings are back, and I hate them. I hate feeling worthless about my inability to have a baby. I hate feeling bitter and angry about other people’s good fortune. I hate wincing at the sight or mention of a pregnancy. I hate feeling inadequate. I hate trying to explain our situation to people who have no ability or desire to really understand.

Despite all of this, at this Thanksgiving, I have so much to be thankful for. I am thankful for my beautiful and amazing little family – an unbelievable husband and the greatest kid I could ever ask for. Even with our problems, I am thankful for a loving and supportive extended family – especially my amazing mother and fantastic sister! I am thankful for this beautiful town I live in, for the many friends that enrich my life, for the health and relative happiness I experience every day, and, although it is difficult at times, for the ability to pursue the adoption of our next child. I am so thankful that we have the resources, support, and ability to pursue this adoption. Another child is in our future, whenever that might be.

By Gwen Rockwood, columnist and Motherlode mama of 3

I should be ecstatic right now. I should be dancing in the streets because my almost 2-year-old daughter is making some tell-tale moves toward our ultimate goal: potty-training. Without much encouragement or nudging from me, she has suddenly taken a huge interest in all things potty-related. (I’m guessing she’s hitting the milestone a little early, thanks to the steady stream of big brothers she sees going in and out of the bathroom.) So why am I not climbing to the top of our jungle gym and shouting joyfully to the world that we’re just a few weeks away from TOTAL DIAPER FREEDOM? What’s wrong with me?

I’ll tell you what’s wrong. I’m really busy this week, preparing for 20 or so relatives to drive and fly in from hundreds of miles away to celebrate Thanksgiving at our house this year. Did you miss that number? I said 20, as in TWENTY PEOPLE who are expecting to eat. Not just eat, but “dine” on really good food that doesn’t come in a take-out box from P.F. Chang’s or Dixie Café. For a woman comfortable whipping up traditional classics in the kitchen, this would be no problem. For a woman like me whose go-to dinner entrée is macaroni and cheese straight out of the Kraft box, it’s sort of a big, anxiety-inducing deal.

Last year we hosted Thanksgiving last year for lots of people and no one left with food poisoning. Apparently they liked it enough to come back for more this year, so that should give me confidence. But I’m going to need every bit of time I can get between now and November 27th to get things ready. There’s an insane amount of grocery shopping to do, not to mention lots of prep work in the kitchen. Of course I’ll have to spend at least a day or so cleaning and organizing the house so we can deceive our relatives into thinking our house is immaculate, orderly and smells like a heavenly mix of cinnamon and banana bread.

What I don’t have time for this week is the intense focus that potty-training demands. Here’s a little nugget of parenting truth you won’t read in any of the how-to books. Don’t kid yourself into thinking that the child’s readiness is all you need to be successful in this transition. It’s just as important that the parents be equally ready to take the leap.

There are lots of checklists that will help a mom decide if her kid is ready to potty-train. But there ought to be a checklist for moms, too. Something like: “Are you ready to spend the next few days (most likely weeks) closely monitoring your child’s fluid intake, facial expressions and subtle body language so you can help her race to the nearest potty in time? Are you ready to sit in the bathroom reading the book “Potty Time with Elmo” multiple times while your kid sits happily on the toilet, pretending she needs to go when actually she’s just enjoying the extended story time? Are you ready to either stay home for several days straight or risk an “accident” at the grocery store?

No matter how badly you want to ditch the diapers, if you can’t answer “yes” to all those questions, you may have a problem. An experienced mother knows you can’t just dabble at potty-training and be successful. You’ve got to really commit to the job and embrace the reality that it can be a time-consuming, messy process – a process that does not necessarily mesh well with 20 relatives coming for Thanksgiving.

So that leaves me with a dilemma: Do I try to potty-train my darling girl and get ready for Thanksgiving at the same time (knowing full well that I’ll be a crazy woman long before the turkey ever comes out of the oven)? Or do I keep her in diapers a week or so longer, hoping beyond hope that this magical window of opportunity will still be open when the last piece of pumpkin pie is gone? These are the questions that try a mother’s soul. Perhaps the answer will come to me while I’m making the grocery list.

From my family to yours, have a blessed (and accident-free) Thanksgiving.