If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, then you need to put some responsibility on their shoulders ~ Abigail Van Buren (a.k.a. Dear Abby)

Hello all and welcome to the August edition of Tweens and Teens. Gwen and Shannon asked me to respond to the recent attention drawn to Robert Rausch, a father in Texas who punished his 16-year-old daughter for missing curfew. For those of you who don’t know, he punished her by placing an ad in the local newspaper offering 30 hours worth of free babysitter service from her.

For further details, here’s a link:  http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/38788084/ns/business-media_biz/

You may remember an earlier article we did on Tweens and Teens which says that the purpose of punishment is to decrease behavior (reinforcement is used to increase behavior). Since this father wanted the behavior of “missing curfew� to decrease, then he should have punished her, which is exactly what he did. NICE!  So far…

When I first heard about this punishment, I thought, “Wow, that was very creative!â€� However, I must go on to say that placing an ad in the newspaper might be not have been the best idea. (Yes, I have an alternative, but you’ll need to keep reading).

Several thoughts about this punishment come to mind, though everyone must understand that none of us (I don’t think) know this man or his family nor do we know a lot about the town (Southlake, Texas). According to Wikipedia and the Southlake Chamber of Commerce, Southlake is an affluent suburb of Dallas/Fort Worth and has about 25,000 people (plus or minus). The school system is supposed to be quite good and the average home cost is about $450,000. It was noted by Forbes in December 2008 to be one of the most affluent neighborhoods in the country based upon average median family income, which was reported to be approximately $140,000. I have actually been there on one occasion while visiting a friend who lives in the area…it is VERY nice and I enjoyed my time there immensely.

So, the question becomes: Is it okay for him to punish her the way he did? Hmm, let’s explore this situation, both positive and negative.

First, the positive thoughts that I have…this was exceptionally creative and I like the way he was thinking outside the box. The daughter has also said that she doesn’t intend on breaking curfew again, which shows the discipline was effective, assuming she’s not going to change her mind anytime soon.

I also like the idea of pairing irresponsibility with responsibility. She was irresponsible, so she must make up for it by being responsible. Assuming she’s not SO irresponsible that she cannot babysit and that she’s not so angry that she is going to do something crazy with the kids, then her father pairing her irresponsible behavior (missing curfew) with responsible behavior (babysitting) makes sense and is brilliant.

Finally, I think the punishment of babysitting is quite appropriate given the offense. In fact, very appropriate. Not too hard and not too easy. Again, very nice on the father’s part to make the punishment commensurate with the offense in terms of severity level.

But, there are some negative so let’s address them, as well. While I’m sure that Southlake is a great place to live (and apparently work), I imagine there are a few families in Southlake that are, how shall I say, not the family I’d want to have my teenage daughter babysitting. You don’t know who will respond to this ad nor do you know that they’ll keep your daughter safe. While everything will likely be okay, and it’s easy to assume this to be the case, especially in this town, the fact is…you never know. I’d be unwilling to take this chance with my daughter (or yours).

I also wonder about his daughter. She’s probably a wonderful and caring person, but are you sure?  What other incidents have happened with her in the past, and do I want her babysitting my children? If she’s a responsible teenage who made a simple mistake, then why didn’t he just talk to her? Or ground her? Could it be because she has done other things and the father knows that talking to her won’t do any good? Is it possible that other punishments have been tried and found to be unsuccessful? Again, we don’t know the details of the family enough to make a valid and educated decision. So I ask again…are you willing to take a chance with a teenager that is PROBABLY going to provide safe services for your child, or do you want a teenager that you KNOW will provide safe services for your child? What if you have an infant?

So…is there another option that can teach her the same lesson and yet avoid any of the possible pitfalls? I think so. I would suggest doing exactly the same thing EXCEPT for placing an ad in the newspaper. What about having her do 30 hours of babysitting for your neighbors, friends, and people at your work? That way, you know whose family she will be babysitting, and they will know who they’re getting. They’ll also know why they are getting her services for the low, low price of…free. Safety for both parties has been taken into account while the purpose of the punishment remains intact.

Finally, this is pretty embarrassing and shameful for her. Teens and Tweens will try whatever they can to avoid embarrassment, and I imagine her schoolmates and all her friends are talking, talking, and talking about what happened. They are also laughing, laughing, and laughing. Though this is not always a bad thing, the purpose of the punishment was to decrease her missing curfew, not embarrass her. Some may say that if her embarrassment results in her coming home on time, then everything is okay; however, I’m wondering whether his daughter is being placed in a position so that she will not trust him enough to come to him for future issues/problems/discussion for fear that he may do something like this again. That will really depend on his relationship with her…let’s hope it’s a good one.

I have to give the father credit for what he has done and the fact that he has decided his daughter cannot shirk her responsibilities; however, I wish he would have changed just a little bit about how he did it.

As you all know, this is a HOT topic of conversation, so let’s keep it going for just a while longer. I’ve shared my thoughts, both positive and negative, about how I feel, but I want to know how you feel. Was this okay and, if not, what should her father have done instead.

This is a great time for us to talk openly about how we punish our children in order to teach them responsibility. Please post your comments and opinions by clicking the big orange button below to add to our discussion.

See you next month.

billy

Welcome back to another edition of Tweens & Teens. I hope everyone is having a great summer, and it’s so very hard to believe that school is right around the corner. That means SHOPPING for school clothes…which leads right into this month’s article: How we dress our tweens and teens so they can go back to school and look cooler than ever.

Did you know clothing is the No. 1 item purchased by both male and female teenagers? It’s true. The second is shoes for girls and video games for boys. I’ve read that teens spend approximately $150 billion dollars per year on clothing alone…yeah, billion.

I’ve heard several theories about the financial aspects of dressing your adolescent with everything ranging from doing extra chores to help pay for the clothes to giving them an unlimited amount on the credit card. If the latter is you, then we need to talk…quickly. No tween or teen needs to be given an unlimited amount of money for clothing. I do like the idea of extra chores around the house, though there are certainly times when I will get something for my 11-year-old for no reason other than he asks.

When you’re buying back-to-school clothing, you need to have a budget and your tween and teen can be included in helping with that budget. Adolescents are not typically realistic with money, and this is an excellent opportunity to help give them some perspective on life.

I’m afraid I can’t give you an exact amount you should spend on back-to-school shopping, as it will depend on your financial situation and personal preference. If I had to guess (please no letters about the guess), it would be $200-$400. This is only back-to-school clothing costs and does not include school supplies. Also, this only refers to back-to-school time rather than the entire year. And, yes, I understand that some tennis shoes cost that much alone; however, they are not worn by my children. If tennis shoes cost more than my electric bill, they are too expensive.

To help understand what clothing is popular, and what is not, you can consult various fashion magazines and their websites. Magazines such as Seventeen, Teen Vogue, and GQ are good places to start. Or, you could ask my wife since she’s always up to date on the latest trends. I never thought I would compliment someone on their shoes and/or purse, but alas, I do. Living with my wife has taught me more than I ever wanted to know about clothing.

After consulting fashion magazines to see what the latest styles may be, you can search the internet for designer clothes at bargain prices. You can also shop around by going to outlets, thrift stores, and ugh…the mall.

Dressing modestly is a must, and I won’t budge on this one. I’ve seen WAY too much flesh on tweens and teens who come through my office, or just out in public. I will say this…If a girl advertises her goods, someone will answer her ad. Guys are on the prowl and their eyes, hands, and hormones are running wild at this age. If your daughter raises her arms and her tummy is showing, then you need to consider whether this outfit is too short for her.

I have also seen parents who try to dress like their teenager, which is just embarrassing.

From a developmental and emotional standpoint, clothing is an important way for adolescents to express themselves and give a glimpse of who they are. Simply buying the most expensive, or popular, clothing does not automatically give you style. Manners, charm, and confidence (and a few other things) are required. This is the time for adolescents to learn who they are, who they want to be, and who they do not want to be.

So, let’s all be realistic when buying clothing, especially with finances…we must also be sensitive to the fact that your tween and teen wants to be accepted and, as mentioned in a previous article, wants to avoid embarrassment. Having clothing that’s similar to others at school is one way they feel they can avoid embarrassment, which may give them some sense that they’re going to be automatically accepted.  Though we know this is not true, they may not have yet learned this simple fact. At the same time, they want to establish their individual needs and style, and this is the time they will do so.

Whew…good luck.

billy

Dr. Jones is a child psychologist with Mercy Health System of Northwest Arkansas. Click here to read previous articles on Tweens & Teens. Got a question for Dr. Jones? Send it to us (we won’t use your name) and we may feature it in an upcoming installment of Tweens & Teens. 

“Contrary to what you have read in popular literature, [spanking], a firm but loving approach to child rearing, will not harm a toddler or make him violent. [Instead], it is most likely to produce a healthy, confident child.� ~ Dr. James Dobson

Welcome to the June edition of Tweens & Teens. I can’t believe it’s already summer. And so, ladies and gentleman, bring on the beaches without the oil, vacation is coming up soon!

This month I’ll talk about whether spanking your children is okay. In talking to psychologists over the past several years, I’ve found that most would say ‘No’ and would instead recommend time-out, logical and natural consequences, or some other form of non-corporal discipline. In fact, a lot of research will tell you that the more a child is spanked by age 3, the more aggressive he or she will be by age 5.

HOWEVER…I am one psychologist who is an exception to this rule. In fact, I don’t think spanking makes kids more aggressive at all, if it’s used properly.

Noted psychologist and author Dr. James Dobson wrote that he endorsed spanking for two reasons: (1) Outright defiance, and (2) Dangerous behaviors. I agree with Dr. Dobson completely. For example, I remember when my son, who was about 4 years old at the time, pushed our neighbor’s child, who happened to be in her baby carriage, into the middle of the street before we even knew what was going on. This is dangerous behavior (duh), and you better believe he got his tail blistered. I also remember when his mother asked him to do something and he leaned forward, ever so slowly, looked her right in the eyes and said, “No, and you can’t make me.�  Um…yeah, we really can. But not before you heard a Whack!

When times like these occur in your family, and we all know they occur in everyone’s family, I recommend being prepared. For example, we used a “Spanking Spoonâ€�. What is that you ask?  Excellent question…it’s a wooden spoon whose sole purpose in life is to be used as a tool that helps discipline our children.

We kept the Spanking Spoon on the kitchen counter where everyone could see it. It was propped up against the wall and had no other purpose. If you use your hand to spank, then here is what will likely begin to happen. When you have to scratch your nose (or wherever else, if you’re a guy) and you raise your hand, your child may instinctively jump or cover his behind for fear he is about to be spanked again.  The Spanking Spoon takes that out of the equation.

Also, we would only give him one single pop to the naked bottom (or two if we missed because he was jumping around like a young gazelle). The purpose is to punish him, not take our anger out on him.

And while we’re on the subject of punishment, let me take you back to school for just a moment and explain the difference between punishment and reinforcement. Punishment is used to decrease behavior while reinforcement is used to increase behavior.

For younger children, you will initially have to use external rewards as a method of reinforcement. Life just works that way. Things start on the outside and move to the inside for all areas of development. For example, let’s use language. Children talk to themselves when they’re going to sleep or playing by themselves (external behavior), but as they grow older, they begin to start thinking instead (internal behavior). Actions are the same way…we need external rewards for a while and then, as we develop, internal rewards, such as personal satisfaction, come into play. When that time comes, we will actually do something because it’s the right thing to do. This is how morality develops.

Now, here’s a specific example of punishment and reinforcement. If your child is being outright defiant, you want that behavior to decrease…so, you punish. BUT, you also want compliance to increase, so you have to make sure that you reinforce those behaviors. Reinforcement does not mean buying them a go-cart or giving them your Visa card with a $50 limit on anything they want to buy (I have heard both of these scenarios…ugh). I will simply tell my child, “Thank-youâ€� and that’s good enough. There are times, however, when an external reward is called for, but this usually involves actual work and/or chores. It is very much like our paycheck from our job.

This can, however, get tricky…suppose you tell your child to make her bed. Five minutes later you go in the room and “AHHHH” the bed is not made. So you punish her for not making her bed, right? WRONG. You want bed making to increase, so you don’t punish her for not making the bed. Instead, you punish what you want decreased, which is “Noncomplianceâ€�. So I would say, “I am punishing you, not because you didn’t make your bed, but because you didn’t follow my instructions. IF, however, you go into the room and the bed is made (thank the Lord), you can actually reinforce two behaviors: Making the bed and following your instructions. This will help increase the likelihood that both of these behaviors will continue to occur with more frequency.

I do want to add a brief word on that last example (making the bed). If I had gone in and the bed was not made, I would not spank the child. That, to me, is not outright defiance. There is some common sense as to the level of severity that needs to be taken into account. What I would do in that example is use time-out. BUT…I would not put the child in time-out. Instead, I would put an object in time-out (obviously one that the child really, really, really enjoys). Objects and toys do not kick, scream, and yell while being put in time-out, so it is much easier.

We used our fireplace mantle to put the toy (or whatever we chose to put) in time-out.  Then, I would tell William (my son) that the item is in time-out because he did not follow directions. Then, as he started being more compliant, I would actually move the toy towards the front of the mantle and, when it got to the very front, it came out of time-out. Really and truly, it was always about the same amount of time (20 minutes or so), but he didn’t know that. All he knew was that the toy had moved closer to him which meant he could have it back soon. What a sneaky dad I am.

If you do use time-out in which your child goes to a chair (which my family does depending on the circumstance), then make sure the chair is different than any other chair (just like the Spanking Spoon is different than any other spoon). We did this by simply putting a piece of black tape on the back of the chair to signify that it was the time-out chair. Then, using an egg timer, we set it for one minute per age of the child (e.g., 5 minutes for a 5-year old child). By the time they are Tweens, you should not need a time-out chair anymore. You may, instead, use grounding, which is essentially a long time-out.

And now…a synopsis for a quick and convenient reference:

Is it okay to spank your child under certain circumstances?  Yes

Does it make them aggressive? If used correctly, then “No”.

Do I have to spank my 11-year old son now? No.

Does my 11-year old son listen to what I ask him to do and then follow directions?  Most of the time.

Is he perfect? No.

Do I regret spanking him? No.

Will people disagree with me because they think spanking is wrong no matter what?  Yes.

Will people disagree with me because they think spanking should be used more than just for defiance and dangerous behaviors? Yes.

If you disagree and have ideas or comments, I would love to hear them. (Click the big orange comment button below to share your thoughts.) Gwen and Shannon do not hold anything back when giving me comments or suggestions that have been made by readers.

This entire Tweens & Teens section is done each month so that we can all share ideas that will make our lives better and the lives of our children better. Just because someone has “Dr.� in front of their name doesn’t mean they know everything or that they don’t make mistakes. Please, feel free to comment…you have taught me much more than I could ever teach you. And for that, I am thankful.

See you next month.

billy

“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money for our kid’s therapy.” ~ Michelle Pfeiffer

By Dr. Billy Jones, child psychologist for Mercy Health of Northwest Arkansas

Welcome to the May edition of Tweens & Teens. I took a month off…BIG YAWN…but it is sooo good to be back.

This month I want to talk about what tweens and teenagers fear most. After scouring the internet universe, textbooks galore, and listening to my family, friends, and children, I have come to what I think is the right answer…BUT, you’ll have to wait just a few minutes before I reveal the answer.

A poll conducted from a major university shows that 81% of teens feel that marijuana is their worst temptation while 32% think that illegal drugs (marijuana, cocaine, etc.) are the biggest problem they face growing up.

Poll or no poll…university or no university…I think they’re wrong.

In searching the GREAT AND MIGHTY GOOGLE, I found some comments made by teenagers about their fears. I’m listing some of them below for your enjoyment (and mine, of course). The second is my favorite:

• I think the biggest fear of teenagers today has to do with the loss of their peers and social status.

• Honestly, I can’t speak for all teenagers. But I think most of them don’t really have a big fear of anything.

• My personal biggest fear is never finding love, but I think most kids are scared of not fitting in nowadays.

• I think that the biggest fear in teens is their sexuality and finding their identity. They don’t know who they are and become afraid that others may make fun of them.

• I think the biggest fear is not meeting expectations, whether their own or somebody else’s.

• I think that kids and teenagers today are most fearful of school shootings, terrorists, and bomb threats because of news reporting in these scary subjects.

• I think that the biggest fear of kids and teenagers today is the death of a loved one. If you die yourself, you’re not around to mourn.

Notice that none of the responses above had anything to do with drugs, as the study from the above mentioned university suggested. I certainly would have included one if I had found it.  Hmmm…maybe fancy, schmancy mathematical equations are not the way to answer this question. Perhaps some common sense would suffice.

So, let’s give common sense a try, shall we? When you take the core of many of these responses, couple them with the research from the University of Iamsosmart, you have your answer. The number one thing a teenager fears the most is…(drum roll, please)…embarrassment. Notice I didn’t say the ONLY thing a teenager fears is embarrassment, but the number one thing. For example, school shootings, the #6 statement above, are scary for all of us. And very real in this day in age. This has nothing to do with embarrassment, so I certainly don’t assume that there aren’t other possibilities.

But before we go further, let’s reword their number one fear to their number one goal: The number one goal of a teenager is to NOT be embarrassed. The reason I changed it to a negative (i.e., using the word “not�) is because I think teenagers would rather avoid embarrassment over being cool. Not that they don’t want to be cool…any parent knows this to be true; however, if given a choice, avoiding embarrassment might be just a wee bit more important.

For example, my 11-year-old son was just in a production at his school and the theme was on 50’s music.  So all 5th graders had to dress up like they were in the 50’s. He slicked his hair back, wore an old white tee shirt, and put on some old jeans. BUT…he refused to wear a leather jacket, or even a letter jacket (you know, the one you get from playing sports), because he didn’t think that was cool. Give me a break! Of course it would have been cool. But I let it slide because in his mind, it was potentially embarrassing.  Please notice…instead of taking a chance and wearing the leather jacket to look cool, he chose to avoid wearing it because he was more afraid of being embarrassed. So I let him make his own decision about what to wear and what not to wear. After all, I was trying to promote independence.

With that said, we can see, almost on a daily basis in my family, how embarrassment can come into play with our own teens. I’m sure that you have MANY examples of “Dad, don’t do that. It’s just not coolâ€� or “Mom, don’t kiss me in front of my friends.â€� (We’d love to hear some examples, so click the comment button below and share!)

As we wrap up, please take a look back at the responses above for a moment. Loss of peers and social status (embarrassing), uncertain about your sexuality (potentially embarrassing), and not meeting another person’s expectations (embarrassing). Each of these has their own degree of embarrassment, and certainly there are other factors involved (e.g., uncertainty about what is to come). But the majority of them seem to focus on some level of embarrassment. And especially avoidance of embarrassment.

Remember, it doesn’t matter that a certain behavior or action may or may not cause embarrassment. It only matters that the teen thinks it will. Teens (and everybody else for that matter) behave and respond in a manner that is consistent with what they believe to be true, whether it is or not. This is why their decisions are so annoying to us. We know that what they are doing is not really going to be embarrassing, but they don’t. So they act in a manner that is more conforming to their peers. Why do you think they follow fads so easily? For the record, I have seen them do some pretty outlandish things in an effort to be really cool, so this avoidance of embarrassment issue does have some exceptions.

Now that we finally have our answer, we need to think about what we can do to help. Perhaps the best way to deal with your teen’s embarrassment is to give them the space they need to grow. Once they begin to gain their own sense of independence, it’s time for parents to back off and accept that their teenagers are starting to mature. This doesn’t mean we can’t keep an eye on them (even both eyes). But, it does mean we need to let them learn, grow, fall, and learn some more. As parents, we will always be there to pick them up and encourage them onward to adulthood. Sigh…our babies are growing up and we have to let them.

See you next month!

billy