Suffering is part of the human condition and it comes to us all. The key is how we react to it, either turning away from God in anger and bitterness or growing closer to Him in trust and confidence.  ~ Billy Graham

Most often, this blog discusses issues facing parents with Tweens and Teens; however, this month, I’m going to do something different. I’m going to share a true story that has touched me deeply and may do the same for you. I believe it will help us all put the “problems” of dealing with tweens and teens into the proper perspective.

A few weeks ago in Sunday School, we were talking about our children (tweens, teens, and in-between) and a couple in the class, Al and Cindy, began sharing a story about their son, Holden, who passed away at 10 months of age from a rare illness known as “Omphalocele,” a birth defect in which his intestines, spleen, and liver were all are born outside his body and covered by a thin membrane.

Overall, Holden had three major surgeries and at 5 months of age went into respiratory arrest. Cindy had to administer CPR to her own child. His lungs were damaged, there was pressure from his Omphalocele, scar tissue from a tracheotomy, and he was aspirating so they had to use feeding tubes. Then bronchitis set in.

During his last five months of life, he was on numerous antibiotics, had obstruction of his bowels, was dehydrated, and was on constant pain medication. The respiratory arrest had caused brain damage, though the doctors didn’t know the extent. Over the next few months, his brain continued to shrink and, at the end, an MRI revealed he only had 50% of his brain left.

Al and Cindy faced the most difficult decision of their lives: Would they continue to allow Holden to live or allow him to go be with the Lord? After constant prayer and coming to the realization that Holden would have significant brain damage requiring constant medical attention for the rest of his life, they decided to let him go be with the Lord. He passed away in their arms. Though they are not the only couple that has ever faced this situation, I don’t believe any parent will have to make a more difficult decision.

As Cindy shared their story, I began to tear up, along with everyone else in the class. Al and Cindy have endured about as much pain as a parent can.  Losing a child is the greatest tragedy that can happen to parents, though not knowing whether your child will live or not may be equally as difficult.

It would have been easy for Al and Cindy to become angry, bitter and resentful. But they didn’t. They somehow found the courage to remain faithful and positive. I can’t begin to understand all they’ve gone through, but I do understand this: Their story makes me go straight to my own children, hug them as tightly as I can and tell them how much I love them. At this point, no annoying behavior my children have ever done, or ever will do, matters as much as having them here with me. We can figure the rest out together.

I’ve begun to realize how petty I can be about the difficulties I face with my own children. Little things like not turning off the bathroom lights, leaving toys in the hallway, and trying to manipulate situations are no longer as annoying as they were in the past. Boyfriends, girlfriends, arguing, defiance, cursing, and everything else that comes with being a parent doesn’t seem as important or pressing as it once did.

I imagine that Al and Cindy would give everything they own to experience with Holden any problem that we’ve ever had with our own children. But they can’t. They never will.

Al and Cindy have agreed to share excerpts from their story with us below. After you read it, go hug your kids — no matter how old they are. Tell them how much you love them. I know I will.

Holden - Our Sunshine in Heaven

What do you do when a doctor takes all your hope away from your unborn child and suggests you terminate?  In shock, you share with him that this miracle is from God and was given to your family for a reason. We had no idea that we would only have Holden for ten short beautiful hard months after he was born. I started desperately praying and asking God to give me the strength to get through this journey. That’s when a very special verse came into my family’s life: Isaiah 41:10.

Here is a small glimpse of my journals (five full journals in all) that I started that very day and have not stopped since. I knew God was taking us on a roller coaster ride with Holden and my family. The main thing God wanted me to do was TRUST HIM.

December 2008: The Love of a Mom

I’m sitting here next to you writing in my journal. I get emotional just touching you and thinking of how much I want to hold you (can’t – your on the ventilator) and take you home for Christmas. I love you so much. It’s amazing how much love God gives a mommy. I love looking at your swollen sweet face. You are a treasure, little man. All my pain, stress, emotions and heartbreak is worth it, child of mine.

February 2009:  Holden’s Sweet Homecoming

Today we brought Holden home from the hospital. We were welcomed on a cold, rainy night by all of our wonderful friends. I saw signs held up by children (one said “Holden rocks�!), lots of clapping and cheering, the house decorated with streamers, a cake and my three children with smiles from ear to ear!  My whole family was finally together! I could breathe again.

May 2009:  Scariest Moment of my Life

Holden stopped breathing today. I had to administer CPR into my child’s lifeless body.  I begged and pleaded on my knees with everything I had for God not take Holden away from me. I had an emotional breakdown that day. He was airlifted to Little Rock, and it was the longest three hour drive of my life not knowing if my baby was going to live or die.

September 2009: Devastatingly Beautiful

Go to Jesus, Holden. Go to Jesus.  It’s okay to leave me, I love you. Thirty minutes after we took Holden off life support he went to be in Jesus’ arms. Our ultimate prayer of healing was answered after months and months of pain.

God just healed him in Heaven and not on this earth. Hard to swallow, but so true. I remember bathing my baby for the last time and it how it felt so natural and wonderful to do this last thing for him and knowing his spirit was already in heaven.

September 26, 2009:  Saying Goodbye

Holden’s funeral was a celebration of his short meaningful life. I remember my pastor saying Holden is in the land of the living, and we are in the land of the dying. Wow!  It was such a profound statement for me and I had to soak it in especially when I missed my baby more that words could express.

In closing, I just want to say that my overwhelming pain through the past year and half has turned into overwhelming healing. God in so many ways is keeping Holden’s memory alive. You cannot imagine what that does for brokenhearted momma. See, it’s okay to talk about Holden and his death. When you don’t say anything, it’s like it never happened, and I live with it every day. His name brings music to my ears and joy in my tears. God gives and he takes away, and then he gives again.

I want people to know I have five children – three on this earth and one perfect in heaven and another miracle of life coming this May (2010).  His faithfulness is unfathomable. I’m so humbled to share my story of hope and what God has done for me. Losing a child is the hardest thing a parent can go through, but you don’t have to face it alone. God will give you all the comfort you need to go forward in your life.

In His Grip,

Cindy and Al

“If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you.� ~ Winnie the Pooh

Hello all and welcome to another edition of Tweens and Teens! Hopefully you’ve been following along each month, but if not, then welcome here.  Also, please let Gwen and Shannon know what you think of this blog so that they can give me feedback on how you like it, or click the word “comment” below and post your opinions there.

Earlier this month, I asked my son what I could write about and he said, “Well you could talk about how Tweens and Teens fall in love with each other.� Uh oh. Could it be? Typically kids make comments like this because it applies to them. My 11-year-old son in love? Nah.

But just in case, let’s talk about Tweens, Teens, and love. We all know that the Tweenage and Teenage years are the time of life when puberty hits. Hormones are raging and physical features become very apparent. I mean, your looks, and the way others look, actually count.

When I was younger, I used a football analogy involving uniforms and helmets. If the girl had a nice body and a pretty face, I would tell my friends, “Good uniform.  Good helmet.� Pathetic of me, I know, but true. So where was I…ah yes…This is the time when our kids start taking showers and actually using soap (thank goodness), they are now using deodorant, brushing their teeth (with toothpaste), and chewing gum or an Altoid seems to be especially important. Fresh minty breath, I suppose.

But…and you knew this was coming, there is no free lunch in the game of life. They also want their independence and freedom. If you remember my first article (if not, click HERE to see it), we talked about four reasons kids misbehave using the acronym P.A.I.R.  This stands for Power, Attention, Inadequacy, and Revenge. The first article addressed Attention. This one will address Power and Revenge.

When kids want their freedom, it’s usually to be with their friends. This includes girlfriends and boyfriends. They’re learning how to interact with others on their own, and, if you do not allow them that freedom, a power struggle will begin. This includes arguing, yelling, and cursing. And that’s from the parents! The kids, however, are doing this right back to us and we’re now wondering, “Dear God, why did I choose to have children?â€� After it’s all over, we realize why…Because we love them and feel incomplete without them. But back to our story.

If there’s a power struggle, one of three outcomes occurs:  (1) We give in and let them do what they want.  If this is the case, the next argument may be even longer because we have taught our kids that if they argue long enough, we will grow so tired of it that we will finally throw in the towel; (2) We win the argument and our child storms off to their room yelling, “That’s not fair!  My life sucks!â€�, or (3) We compromise and all are happy. Typically, the third one does not occur, but you knew that.  Compromising does not usually happen in the middle of a war and cooler heads must be available, which they are not.

Assuming that we refuse to give in, which would be outcome #1, the most likely outcome is #2, and our young “sweetie pies� storm off telling us how unfair we are to them and that they cannot wait until they are 18 so that they can move out of this “hellhole�.  If they lose enough power struggles, they will try to get revenge.  After all, if they can’t beat us fairly, then they will cheat.  So…When you hear “That’s not fair�, or anything resembling that comment, you MUST be on the lookout for revenge.  This is why kids sneak out of their room or start dating someone that we know is going to jail within 2-3 years.

Kids must be allowed their freedom, but we have to make the boundaries. Having discussions and being proactive is the best way to go. Talk about it before it occurs. This is when cooler heads are present and outcome #3 MAY just be possible.

Remember, wives are teaching their children how a husband should be treated while husbands are teaching their children how a wife should be treated. Also, mothers are teaching their children how a mother should act and fathers are teaching them how a father should act. I know it’s tough, but we must be able to talk, and even negotiate to some degree, with our kids so that they can grow up. This means talking to them instead of yelling and lecturing.  It also means letting them spend time with…gulp…someone we know is wrong for them.  Hurts just to say it.  But they have to make their own mistakes and learn from them.

IF you talk openly, honestly, and respectfully to them, then you will be able to set boundaries that can make your life, and theirs, better.  For example, “Parents MUST be in the house when you are with your boyfriend�, or “Friends must be going with you to the mall�.

Although you will ultimately have to allow them to be alone with a boyfriend/girlfriend, you cannot allow them to spend an infinite amount of time without supervision.  If you do, you know as well as I do that they will be exploring more territory than Indiana Jones.

So…let them have some freedom, make their own mistakes, and learn how to set boundaries in a manner that is fair and respectful to them.  In return, you may find out that they actually respect those boundaries and may even start dating someone that you can live with.  Well, you know what I mean.

Till next month…

Billy

By Dr. Billy Jones, father and child psychologist with Mercy Health System

According to a 2007 research study, 82% of Americans own a cell phone. This amounts to about 250 million people. Of those 250 million, guess how many are children and teenagers. …Okay, I’ll tell you: Ages 6-9 years = 22%; ages 10-14 years = 60%; and ages 15-18 years = 84%. I have no idea why a 6-year-old needs a cell phone, but that’s what the study tells us.

Additionally, Yankee Research company indicated that 54% of 8 to 12-year-olds will own a cell phone within the next 3 years. Since this survey was completed in 2007, that means VERY soon…as in 2010…as in NOW! My son, who is 11-years-old, has a cell phone and texts nonstop. He is texting friends, neighbors, and family. Constantly.

In fact, 84 million Americans admit to texting on a daily basis. Teens and tweens will not only text basic messages but also sexual ones (called “sexting”) as well as sending out messages to bully other students (called cyber-bullying). In a 2008 survey of teenagers (13 to 19 years-old) and young adults (20 to 26 years-old), 20% of the teenagers (33% for young adults) had sent photos of themselves either nude or semi-nude. Also, 39% of teenagers (59% of young adults) had sent sexually explicit messages.

I’ve been asked by nwaMotherlode.com, a GREAT website (there’s a little plug for Gwen and Shannon), to talk about texting terms. Obviously, I don’t know all of them because I’m over the age of 30 (but not by much.)

So… I asked my son, his friends, teenage patients who come through my office, and various middle school and junior high school classrooms in Northwest Arkansas to provide a list of texting terms, and then I compiled my own little database.

Before giving you the list, I need to clarify. ALL of these come from teens and tweens ranging in age from 10 to 16 years-old.  IF an obscene text was used, I asked them to use a “*� in place of the word, and I was easily able to figure it out. You should be able to figure them out as well. I asked them to put down all terms they frequently used and to not hold back with the obscene ones. As a parent, I want to know them all…the good, the bad, and the ugly.

My son, by the way (or “btw” in text language) came up with the second most popular term, which is “wtf”.  This stands for “What the *?â€� Yes, it is the “Fâ€� word you’re thinking it might be. I knew he knew the term, but for him to actually use it…YIKES!!! Needless to say, we had a little talk.

Okay, enough talk and now to the top 10 terms in order of their popularity. FYI…lowercase letters are used as casual conversation while capital letters would be used if you wish to “shoutâ€� your message. That’s not considered good “netiquette.” (Yes, this is actually a real term).

1.  lol = Laughing out loud
2. wtf = What the *
3. gtg = Got to go (or sometimes may mean Good to go)
4. ttyl = Talk to you later
5. brb = Be right back
6. k (or) kk = Okay (kk is considered more thoughtful and is derived from “Okay cool�)
7. omg = Oh my God
8. u = You
9. r = Are
10. bff = Best friends forever

What was most interesting are some of the other terms I received. For example, POS means “Parent over my shoulder�, which is very helpful as I know my child is texting something he should not.

Here are some more I got either from this survey (just not in the top 10) or from websites that list additional texting terms:

• jk = Just kidding
• c = See
• ty = Thank-you
• np = No problem…can also mean “nude pictures”, depending on the context
• a/s/l/p = Age/Sex/Location/Picture
• gf or bf = Girlfriend or Boyfriend
• bamf = Bad *ss mother *
• adih = Another day in Hell
• bac = Bad *ss chick
• btfo = Back the * out
• btw = By the way
• rofl = Rolling on floor laughing
• roflmao = Rolling on floor laughing my *ss off
• g/l/b/t = Gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender
• idk = I don’t know
• pron = Pornography
• ru/18 = Are you over 18 years old
• tdtm or td2m = Talk dirty to me

The list goes on… and on… and on…

As you can see, lots of teens and tweens are talking in code. Even my son, who does know how to spell btw, will write “wasâ€� as “wuzâ€�. I casually remarked that it contained the same number of letters and would be just as easy to spell correctly. His response was, “Dad, that’s not the cool way to text it.â€� I am officially old.

If you want me to be honest, I think most of these so-called “coolâ€� misspellings are initially made because many of our children don’t know how to spell. They say, “It’s coolâ€� instead of “I don’t know how to spell that word.â€� But that is imho (in my humble opinion). I guess with spell check, you don’t need to know how to spel (rofl at myself on that one).

Click here to read previous articles on Tweens & Teens. Got a question for Dr. Jones? Send it to us (we won’t use your name) and we may feature it in an upcoming installment of Tweens & Teens.

Back by popular demand, the Tweens & Teens doctor is in! Motherlode’s newest monthly feature is designed to help moms navigate through the tween and teen years. Dr. Billy Jones, a child psychologist with Mercy Health System in Rogers, is our resident expert and go-to guy for answers moms need to know.

We all know how tweens and teens sometimes have big, emotional reactions to not-so-big things. And typically, it’s the mama who’s on the receiving end of all that drama.

In the video podcast below, Dr. Jones gives us a lesson in how to use the “Problem Solving Ruler.” It’s a technique he developed while working with kids to help them respond appropriately to problems and learn to deal with them.

Dr. Jones has used this strategy with his own son as well. This method can be used with kids as young as 8 or 9. Click the “play” arrow below to see the video.

Click HERE to print your own copy of the “Problem Solving Ruler” to practice with at home. Let us know how it works in your house!If you have a specific question you’d like Dr. Jones to answer, e-mail us at mamas@nwaMotherlode.com and we may feature your suggested topic on a future installment of Tweens & Teens.