Dear Tom,

Lately I feel like I get angry a lot more often than I used to. It feels irrational because I can’t really figure out what I’m mad about or stressed about. But the anger ends up coming out at my kids, my husband, traffic, etc. If I don’t have an obvious reason to be mad, why do I feel so angry? How can I get to the bottom of this and cut it out? I don’t want my kids or husband to be walking on eggshells around me because of my temper.

Dear Mom:

I commend you for recognizing your increased level of anger and the effect it may be having on you, your family and people around you. There are several factors which may be causing or adding to this problem. Increased stress, sleep deprivation, medical conditions, emotional issues and drug interactions are factors which can increase your levels of anger. So here are some things I want you to ask yourself:

Has my stress level increased recently, and if so, what are the possible causes or triggers? 

Have my sleep patterns changed or been disrupted in some way? 

Has there been more disagreement or conflict in my relationships or possibly some offense I experienced that I can’t let go of? 

Have I been more sad or depressed over something without really realizing it?

Now I want you to schedule an appointment with your family doctor and really talk to him or her about the anger you’re feeling and ask about any medical reasons that might be behind this. As for emotional factors, you can visit a licensed mental health practitioner, who can help reveal and even alleviate some of the things contributing to this higher level of anger. Sometimes greater anger or irritability is a sign of depression or another mental health condition.

But here’s the good news, Mom. You are AWARE of this increased level of anger and you know it could adversely affect the people you love and care about. You sound motivated to do something about this, and that’s a very good thing. So keep paying attention to your level of stress and think through those questions I’ve listed above. Make those appointments and tackle this thing head-on. Best wishes to you.

Tom

Tom Petrizzo serves as CEO of Ozark Guidance and has degrees in social work and law. He has spent the last 20 years managing non-profit centers in Texas, Kansas, Colorado and Arkansas. He has also served as adjunct faculty at the social work graduate program at three large universities. He’s married to Teri Classick, a licensed clinical social worker, and they have two daughters. When he’s not at work, Tom likes to jog, bike ride, read and he even belted out the National Anthem lately at a Northwest Arkansas Naturals Game!

Tom would be happy to answer your questions and read what’s on your mind. Click the butterfly icon below to fill out an anonymous submission form with your question or concern. The form contains NO identifying information and is designed to give local women an online place to share concerns with a person qualified to offer feedback. Tom will be back each month to answer another woman’s question.

Disclaimer:  This RESPONSE does not provide medical advice It is intended for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Never ignore professional medical advice in seeking treatment because of something you have read on nwaMotherlode or Ozark Guidance websites.

Photo credit: Megan Clemence Photography

I look down at my exposed chest and think, wow, porn star.

At the end of each overinflated balloon, the nipples are covered in red, angry lacerations. The idea of anything touching them, even my thin cotton night shirt, is inconceivable.

I pick up my newborn baby girl and cradle her in my lap. Her head turns and she clamps down, hard. I squeeze my eyes shut, hard. When I catch my breath, I coo and encourage.

In between, I mumble prayers that this time she’ll latch on — so she won’t be hungry and I won’t be frantic.

Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts.

She turns her face away, shrieking.

We try again. And again. I pretzel my body, switching from one position to the next, trying to find a shape she might like. But when the scabbed-over cuts start to bleed, I stop. I make peace with it — again. Another bottle. It’s been three days since we left the hospital, three days since she officially went on a nursing strike. My mind is a blur. Is this what sleep deprivation feels like?

After the baby’s been burped and is asleep in her crib, I suddenly remember Allison, the lactation consultant I met at the hospital.

On the phone, she’s as compassionate as I remember, but brisk. I can tell she takes lots of frantic calls from emotional new mothers. She can’t explain why my champion nurser seems to have forgotten everything she knew at birth, but she’s going to try and find out. We both know breast is best.

We both know it’s me who sucks.

She says she can see us at 9 the next morning – me, my new boobs and my new baby.

My husband goes with me to the appointment, too. I have trouble remembering conversations at doctor’s offices, especially when I’m exhausted and stressed. For backup, I have my notebook out, my ink pen poised.

Allison takes my little pink bundle and undresses her down to a diaper.

She starts a physical exam, looks in the baby’s mouth, presses around on her kissable tummy, then brings out the stethoscope.

“You do know she has a heart murmur, right?” she asks us, cocking her head quizzically.

My husband and I look at each other in dazed surprise. How did we get this far, with so many doctor visits already, and not know this?

The nurse calls the pediatrician in and he listens for one, two, three seconds. He nods his head affirmatively – he also hears the swoosh like a trickle of water being pushed through a thin garden hose. Time for an electrocardiogram, he says.

They strap my newborn to a board used for baby boys who are being circumcised. When her arms are immobilized, the nurses place cold electrodes all over her body. She screams and twists, going from porcelain white to enraged red.

I think to myself, or maybe I say it out loud: I might need a heart doctor, too.

We also need x-rays. We’re told neither of the parents can be in the room.

When the x-ray tech walks away holding my baby and disappears from sight, I sit down on the cold tile floor and begin to sob. At that early stage of motherhood, I hadn’t yet found my “mama bear” voice, the one that would have forced me to follow that technician into the x-ray room to tell him, Make me leave. Instead, I wait.

Slumped on the floor, I suddenly realize the Tylenol has worn off and my c-sectioned middle is throbbing. I feel every inch of the deep incision, the slice so low my doctor had proudly proclaimed I’d still be able to wear a bikini…

Sure.

My husband flags down an intern and asks for pain medication. He shares some with me.

After x-rays, after I have my baby in my arms again, we wait some more. A new pediatrician comes in to tell us what’s next. I momentarily stop breathing when she says our next stop is Arkansas Children’s Hospital. She says the baby definitely has a hole in her heart and it could be serious.

We have an appointment for 11 a.m. the next day.

We head home, pack quickly, and begin the 2 ½ hour drive to my parents’ house outside Conway. We spend the night there, then get up in the morning to get ready for the big appointment . We don’t say it to each other, but we know. This could change everything.

My aunt stops by unexpectedly just before we leave for the hospital, and sees me adding powdered formula to my baby’s bottle. “I thought you were breastfeeding,” she says. I start to cry.

We make it to the hospital early and Dr. Dungan is prompt. And kind. He slowly walks us through multiple tests and the baby doesn’t fuss during any of them.

After two hours of anxious waiting, the news comes – she’s going to be fine. He predicts that the hole will close on its own within six months.

My husband and I look at each other and smile for the first time in more than 24 hours. We suddenly realize we’re starving. We drive to Bennigans and both order cheeseburgers, fries and large Cokes.

Our healthy baby girl is sleeping beside us in her car seat. I relax back into my chair and feel the rest of that weight just slip off my shoulders. With my mind finally quiet, I see how my perspective has shifted.

The new understanding makes me dig around in the diaper bag to find a little package of formula. And for once, I mix it without a heaping dose of maternal guilt.

“So what?” I think. “Didn’t I just find out there are worse things than feeding a baby formula?

When she wakes, I’ll place her in my lap and she’ll clamp down — hard — on the nipple of a Dr. Brown’s bottle. And I will feel nothing. But relief. And I will revel … in happy thoughts.

Note from Shannon: I read this story aloud at the April 29th Listen to Your Mother event at Walton Arts Center. What a surreal experience it was to read one of my own stories in front of an audience (and oh, what a generous audience it was! They laughed — and cried — in all the right places). Also, I didn’t share it there, but I will here: My little Ladybug actually started nursing again after we got her home from the hospital and all that heart-baby-mama drama. If she hadn’t ever nursed again, that would have been OK, too. No judgy-mcjudge here after all we went through. She’s now 10  years old, but it still seems like yesterday.

By Single Mama

If you’d asked me 10 years ago If I’d ever be divorced, raising two kids by myself, and going back to college while working full-time, I’d have said you were nuts. But that’s what happened.

We fell into a rut, like a lot of couples do. Communication dwindled down to the same level roommates have – not spouses, not people who are supposed to love each other. When we talked, it was about the kids or what was for dinner.

Then on Mother’s Day 2007, after neither one of us had spoken to each other for almost two days straight because of a fight, I asked him if we could go do something together as a family. There was no response. So I said, “Are you going to talk to me?” And out of the blue he said: “We haven’t talked in years.”

The words made a cold chill go through me. That’s when I started wondering – worrying – about what might really be going on.

My worst fear sprang to life that December – the day he admitted to having an affair. I was standing in our bathroom when he said it, and it felt like someone had punched me in the gut except the pain wouldn’t go away. As his words hung in the air, time seemed to stand still — like a bad dream I couldn’t wake up from. He apologized after he told me but it was a weak attempt at best. I knew his heart wasn’t in that apology — the same way it hadn’t been in our marriage for so many months. Then he left me there, sucker-punched, and went to work.

I went downstairs and tried to keep it together for our 5 and 3-year-old. It was Christmas break from school. We were supposed to be happy. I didn’t want them to see the tears.

When he left for work, I wondered if he’d spend his day with her. He’d met the other woman that January when he hired her to work as an analyst in his office, so the affair had been going on all year. I met her shortly after he did because she came to a Super Bowl office party we hosted at our house. She’d brought her husband and son to that party, which meant two families would explode because of this news. Would her husband feel as stunned as I did?

I wanted to confront her right away, to scream out the rage, to make her see what they’d done. But I didn’t want to be that crazy, out-of-control housewife. I didn’t want to let them turn me into that person. So I kept my composure on the outside and kept the wreckage of my life as private as I could.

This series, Single & Surviving, is written by a Northwest Arkansas mom who is writing anonymously for now. Her story will continue with another post in a few weeks, when she describes the day they told the kids as well as the financial fall-out from this split. Please post comments for this writer by clicking the orange comment button below.

It is that time of year when book lovers enjoy taking their books outside! Whether you’re picking up a paperback, or turning on your e-reader, there is nothing like a great book on the back deck!

For an edge-of-your-seat thrill ride, check out this debut novel from Taylor Stevens called The Informationist. This is the first in a series that has a heroine that has been compared to Steig Larsson’s Lisbeth Salander. Vanessa Munroe is an expert linguist and has the ability to obtain information in any country for her wealthy clients. She is drawn back into a world she left behind in Africa when she takes on a missing person’s case for a billionaire. Her life in Africa with American missionary parents led her to a violent group of mercenaries and now she is back in the thick of it while unraveling the lies and trying to figure out who to trust. A fast-paced thriller that will leave you ready to grab the sequel, The Innocent.

Entertaining debut novel, Bond Girl by Erin Duffy, is about a young woman fresh out of college and ready to take on “the Street” (aka Wall Street). Alex Garrett always knew this was the career she wanted. It is definitely not what she anticipated. Crazy co-workers, an office romance, working until midnight just to keep up, and being one of only two females in the government bond office, are just a few of the things she is dealing with. Then, the bottom falls out of the financial market. Fast-paced and engaging.

For a more serious book, try When She Woke by Hillary Jordan. This is one you will want to discuss with a friend when you finish (perfect for book clubs). Reviewers all call it a “modern day Scarlet Letter”. Hannah Payne has been injected with a dye that turns her skin red and is her punishment for the crime of having an abortion in the 21st century. Hannah is an outcast and her deeply religious mother has disowned her. She will not reveal the father of the baby and instead tries to survive in a dangerous society. Unknown to everyone, is the father of the baby just happens to be a very powerful minister who is too cowardly to come forward.  A thought-provoking and engrossing story.

For the young adult/tween reader, try Wonderstruck by Brian Selznick. Selznick is the Caldecott award winning author/illustrator of The Invention of Hugo Cabret. This story provides both text and illustration as Ben’s story is told in text, while Rose’s story is told completely in illustration. Ben and Rose are both hearing impaired and both running to Manhattan, but they are living 50 years apart. Both are looking for something from their absent parents and miserable lives.

Do not let the 600 pages fool you, it is a quick and flowing book with moving characters, suspense, and kid-appealing.

Marci Tate of Fayetteville is a busy wife, mom of two, avid reader (when time allows) and Library Media Specialist at Vandergriff Elementary School.

Jessica Simpson has joined the mamas club! She and fiance Eric Johnson welcomed their baby daughter, Maxwell Drew Johnson, to the world on May 1st. She weighed 9 pounds and 13 ounces. Jessica is reported to be nursing, and the new dad is doing his share of diapers. As for the name? Maxwell is Eric’s middle name as well as his mother’s maiden name. The name “Drew” is Jessica’s mother’s maiden name. We like it!

Ryan Seacrest is selling his Hollywood Hills home that he bought in 2006 from Kevin Costner. The house has six bedrooms and six and a half bathrooms and a whopping 10,000 square feet. It also includes a home theater that seats 25 people, complete with a motorized wall that reveals a second kitchen. And if that’s not enough, there’s also a guesthouse, tennis court, recording studio and a lap pool with views of downtown L.A. You can move in if you happen to have the $11.9 million dollar asking price.

If you’re fascinated with the behind-the-scenes lives of our nation’s presidents, you might be interested in the new book “The Presidents Club: Inside the World’s Most Exclusive Fraternity.” The book covers Presidents Truman through Obama and includes tidbits like this: Ronald Reagan taught Bill Clinton how to salute properly. And George W. Bush’s brother, Neil, once called Clinton his “brother of another mother”. Who knew?

If you’re a Sandra Bullock fan like we are, there’s a great profile of her in the latest People magazine which details her life with super cute 2-year-old son Louis. Sandra and son live in Los Angeles, where she is renovating a Beverly Hills house which will be their new home. Sources say her top priority is giving Louis the most normal life he can have, given the fact that his mom is a celebrity. As for the little guy himself, he sounds a lot like other 2-year-olds. He likes to get dirty and he likes trains. The article says that Sandra took him to see a life-size version of Thomas the Tank Engine and she was just as excited as he was during the train ride. There’s no official romance news about Sandra, and friends say she is very careful about who she allows in her life because of her son. She recently finished work on a new movie called Gravity, co-starring George Clooney, which will hit theaters this November.

Reese Witherspoon is such a cute pregnant mama, isn’t she? The Oscar winning actress and her husband of over a year, Jim Toth, are expecting a baby later this year. The baby will be joining big sister and brother, Ava and Deacon, who are now 12 and 8 years old.

Don’t poke the mama bear! Actress Amy Poehler, star of Parks and Recreation, said the last time she got angry was when she was on a plane and a kid (not hers) was having a meltdown. They asked the parents and the kid to leave the plane, and some of the passengers started clapping. “So I stood up and shamed them,” said Amy. You go girl! We mama bears need to have each others’ backs.

Did you hear about the car accident that happened right outside Patrick Dempsey’s Malibu home? The actor heard the crash and ran outside with a crow bar and fire extinguisher. He rescued the 17-year-old driver from the car, which flipped three times before landing upside down. After being pulled out of the car, the injured driver noticed Dempsey and asked him “Are you famous?” Dempsey jokingly replied, “Yeah, I’m a doctor.” Speaking of doctors, the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy is about a plane crash, and Derek and Meredith (and lots of other docs from Seatlle Grace) are on it. Yikes! Producers say one of the main characters of the show will die. Watch on Thursday to find out who.

Sources: People magazine, May 14 and May 21, 2012 edition

Good Gossip is sponsored by CCF Brands, a Northwest Arkansas company which makes Great Day All Natural Eggs. These eggs are produced by happy hens who are fed premium vegetarian diets with no animal fats, animal by-products, or antibiotics. Great Day Farms also offers hard-boiled eggs, which you can find in the deli section of the Walmart Supercenter. (Love the hard-boiled eggs because they’re peeled and ready to eat! Perfect in salads.)