Dear Jennifer,

When my 20-year-old daughter turned 16 she got a car. When she graduated from high school we gave her a wonderful trip. During her first three years of college, she’s had a nice allowance and we’ve paid for a big part of her tuition. Now, because of the financial crisis, we are nearly wiped out. None of what she had, or very little of it, is going to be there for my son. Every time I think of how different it will be for him, it breaks my heart. Both my kids are good kids and both work hard. It’s not that I think every kid has to have a car or anything like that, it’s just that it seems so unfair that his sister got all these wonderful things when we had the money and he probably won’t. I don’t know what to say to him to let him know not to expect the same, and I don’t want to burden my husband with this right now, because he’s under way too much pressure and already feels so guilty.

Dear Worried,

While nothing I say can change the economy, the fact that so many families will experience something similar is going to affect how your son sees this situation. You are among millions whose lifestyle, income and future has been changed profoundly by what’s going on. Trust me, your son will see plenty of other kids whose older siblings had it a lot easier than they did.

Probably without your saying anything, your son already knows that things have changed. If you’ve always been fair, he’ll know that if things had been different, you’d have given him the same wonderful advantages his sister received. Even so, he needs to hear this from you – not only in words, but also in your actions. Be sure that you continue to be as fair as possible between the two of them with what resources you have, and he’ll always know you did your best. If he’s mature enough to understand the current situation at all, he’ll know that the economic crisis wasn’t your fault. If he doesn’t, then time will help him understand.

A word of caution: When you talk to your son, try not to make it about what his sister got versus what he’ll get. Try to focus on the difference in all your lives that this crisis will make. My guess is that there are lots of wonderful things you’ve done for him in the past that you’re forgetting about. It’s not just that he won’t get what she got; it’s that he won’t continue to have all the advantages he’s had in the past. Focusing on the before and after rather than the sibling comparison may be a better way to frame this conversation.

Talk to your son, and do it soon. Teenagers know so much, and he may not know how to ask questions, especially if there’s tension around the house. This kind of stress is incredibly hard on families, and staying open and honest with kids helps reduce the fear they have about what may happen.

As for whether or not to include your husband, only you can judge. From what you say, it may be best for you to first have a talk with your son without him. However, this is a time for families to cling together and take care of each other. Even though it sounds like your husband is overwhelmed, he’s probably worried about the same things you are. It might help all of you to get this out in the open. Clearly, you think in terms of supporting your son. You may be surprised at how much support your son can be to you.

Jennifer Hansen is a syndicated columnist, mom of 2 and one of those insightful friends who will tell you what you need to hear regardless of whether or not it’s what you want to hear. She is not a psychologist or licensed counselor, but she is one smart mama. Questions for Mind Your Mama are derived from submitted questions, suggestions and conversations with readers, staff and friends. All submissions are handled anonymously, and any question is welcome. Send questions or comments to mamas@nwaMotherlode.com.