Dear Jennifer,

My best friend and neighbor is a borrower. Sometimes she sends her kids over, sometimes she runs over herself. It’s nothing expensive, it’s usually like a couple of eggs, vegetable oil, bread. Eventually, she always returns the item and sometimes gives me more – like two eggs for the one she borrowed. The problem is, she doesn’t return the same kind of thing, I buy good quality or organic and she buys bargain brands. Since I always have everything, if I start saying no, she’ll know I don’t want to lend it. She’s actually a good friend and I don’t want to alienate her. What can I do to discourage this?

Dear Low on Patience,

Believe it or not, there are families and even neighborhoods where this kind of borrowing is a part of life. If you haven’t grown up in one, this behavior can feel intrusive and rude, especially since your neighbor returns what she’s borrowed with lesser quality. Given that she does eventually return what she borrows and even pays ‘interest,’ you have two things to consider: First, how can you either end the borrowing or explain that you’d like her to return the quality, not just the quantity? Second, what does this friendship mean to you and how would you feel if it ended?

Granted, this woman should make an effort to borrow less and return in kind. But since you describe her as your best friend, what does the rest of this friendship give you? Is this someone you can count on? Does she support or encourage you? Is she a lot of fun? Or, is she a user, a taker and too lazy to get herself to the store so she uses you to go there for her?

In other words, if she’s a good friend and has a bad habit, then as habits go this is relatively minor and my advice is to make a few changes in your responses but otherwise overlook it. If she’s not a good friend, or if she uses you in other ways than just borrowing, then she’s presuming on a friendship that doesn’t really exist and you need to stop being her store.

If you want to add some limits, and I recommend you do, try saying, “I’d be happy to loan you regular eggs, but all I have are organic eggs I get at the health food store.” If you can’t stand the borrowing, then learn to say no, as in, “No, I don’t have that right now” or “Sorry, but I can’t spare any right now” and see what happens. If it’s a real friendship, it will survive.

A final note – friendships can be fragile. The fact that she can call on you, in this case by borrowing, may be really important to her. If she’s truly your best friend, rather than dwell on the borrowing, dwell on the good things and try to find some humor in the borrowing. Better yet, run out of something and borrow back at her. I’ll bet she’ll love it, and probably you’ll find her eager to share. If not, you’ve learned an important lesson about the real extent of her friendship.

Jennifer Hansen is a syndicated columnist, mom of 2 and one of those insightful friends who will tell you what you need to hear regardless of whether or not it’s what you want to hear. She is not a psychologist or licensed counselor, but she is one smart mama. Questions for Mind Your Mama are derived from submitted questions, suggestions and conversations with readers, staff and friends. All submissions are handled anonymously, and any question is welcome. Send questions or comments to mamas@nwaMotherlode.com.