“Mind Your Mama” on yelling
Dear Jennifer,
Do you think it’s always a bad thing to raise your voice or yell at your kids? My best friend thinks it’s terrible to yell and she never does it. But her kids run all over her. I yell at my kids when I get really ticked off, but I think it’s okay if I don’t overdo it. What’s your take on it?
Dear Ole’ Yeller,
There’s no right or wrong about yelling. There’s right and wrong about honesty and self-control.
If you’re honestly upset at your kids and you yell at them within reason and then get it under control and get life back on track, you may have made your point the best way you were able. You also may have cleared the air and gotten everyone’s attention. If it’s a rare event, it has big impact. On the other hand, if your idea of yelling means screaming uncontrollably and berating or ridiculing your children, then yelling is absolutely not OK. Parents who yell all the time need to find other ways to solve problems.
If your friend can control her children without yelling, she’s doing great. But if she can’t control her children (poor parenting) or is pretending she’s not angry when she really is (dishonest communication), then what she’s doing isn’t working. Yelling certainly doesn’t have to be the answer. Lots of people can express themselves and set healthy boundaries their kids respect without it. In reality, though, most good moms yell from time to time. No one enjoys it, but it happens and it can get results. The absolute absence of yelling is a wonderful goal but hard to achieve while being honest and running a household.
Bear in mind that every family has a different family culture. Yelling is how some families relate. It’s how others hurt each other. Your own family culture will have something to do with whether yelling happens and especially with what it means. Yelling at your kids is largely a situational decision. In other words, it’s not the yelling itself that matters, it’s the parenting that goes with it, the duration and focus of the episode, and the recovery that follows. When we lose it, our children see that we have limits, we’re human, and we won’t be pushed too far. Sometimes, a brief loudness lets everyone enjoy a long quiet after.
