Waiting for Shlomo: “This Thing Called Hope”
Michael and I got married in October, 2001. I originally thought we would wait a while to have kids – 3 to 5 years, but the minute we got married, I started having “baby fever.” We still decided to wait a while. In September, 2002, I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. It turned out that the cancer was non-invasive, and they were able to remove it all by cutting out part of my cervix – thank God! We were strongly urged to begin trying to have children right away. The type of cancer I had was aggressive, and the chances of it coming back were high. I did not need any pushing. From the moment I found out I had cancer, all I could think about was losing my fertility. Little did I know that “my fertility” was never there to begin with.
We started with the same hope that most people do – we had fun, we had lunch-time “quickies” b/c Michael worked so many nights at the restaurant. I charted my fertility (yuck) from the beginning, and believed we would get pregnant right away. I even gave up alcohol for weeks each month and would only sit in the hot tub and steam room at the gym for a couple of minutes, just “in case” I was pregnant – oh, how naïve I was! After a year of “trying”, during which time we moved from Denver to Fayetteville, we finally met with a doctor for beginning diagnostics. I am a research fanatic and an avid reader. By this time, I knew all there was to know about testing, and issues we might be facing. We did tons of tests – testing to make sure my tubes were open, all kinds of blood work, sperm testing – the works. Everything seemed fine. We thought that my damaged cervix (from the surgery to remove the cancer) might be the issue, so we moved forward with IUI’s (that is when they put the sperm into the uterus through a tube). We used a small amount of medicine to increase our chances. Well, five IUI’s, and another year later, we had still never gotten pregnant. Unexplained infertility – thousands of dollars, 25 months of waiting and hoping, sex “on demand”, countless doctor’s appointments, lab tests, examinations, tears, shame, worry, confusion . . . We decided to take a little break to figure out how to proceed. Don’t get me wrong – we did not stop “trying”, we just stopped with medical intervention. We did a lot of soul searching. We decided that we were fine moving forward with IVF or adoption. We decided that the biological connection was not super important to us – we just wanted a family. How could we build a family the quickest and easiest? If IVF (in vitro fertilization – “test tube” baby) worked for us, it would be the quickest route to a baby in our lives. I was also still very hung up on experiencing pregnancy, child birth, breast feeding, etc, so we decided to move forward with IVF. IVF is the process of using fertility drugs (shots) to create a large number of eggs, removing them from the ovaries, putting them together with sperm, creating (hopefully) embryos, then transferring those embryos (usually no more than 2 or 3) back into the uterus to see if they implant – if they do, you are pregnant! It takes more than just one month to do. There is prep work – more blood tests, tons of paperwork, classes to learn about the process and the medications, visits to the specialist in Little Rock, countless dr’s appointments, phone calls . . . it’s endless. By the late winter of 2003, we were ready to move forward. We had the big bucks ready. We had done all the medical testing. We had filled out the paperwork. We had decided on a medical protocol. We were ready to proceed. IVF was hard, but good. I like ACTION – I like having “work” to do. There was always something to do – shots to give, lab work to have done, the acupuncturist to visit, phone calls to make. I was calmer and more centered than I had been in years. I felt crummy b/c of the medicines, but I was in my element. I had my “shtick” on IVF down to a five minute speech! I produced eggs like a champ – finally I was doing something right! I had over 20 eggs – my ovaries were as big as grapefruits! My abdomen was swollen as big as a woman who is 5 months pregnant. I felt like I could hardly move or everything would explode! The process went perfectly, and we found out that I was pregnant! And so, after almost 3 years, “The Midge” (our name for our unborn baby) became part of our lives. I had a tough early pregnancy – lots of cramping, lots of bleeding, lots of scares. I had terrible morning sickness – I threw up daily for 10 weeks. It was all worth it. Then came the fateful day – at 21 weeks I found out that I was dilated to 3 1/2 and was completely effaced — I was ordered directly to the hospital. It turns out that the surgery on my cervix caused it to be too weak to carry a pregnancy. After 36 hours with my feet higher than my head to take the pressure off of my cervix, constant monitoring and evaluation, I had a cervical cerclage – a surgery where the cervix is stitched shut to try to keep it closed. I was sent home to be on complete bedrest for as long as I could make it. I was determined to make it to at least 28 weeks! Anyone who has done it will tell you that bedrest is hard work. This is not fun, laying around, watching TV and snacking time. I was on complete bedrest – no sitting, no chairs, no moving around – nothing but bed and the bathroom when needed. At first, I could move to the couch for a couple of hours each day and take a shower every three days. After two weeks, the doctor did a HOUSE CALL (can you believe it) to check on me, and I was ordered to stay in bed – no couch, no showers, only to the bathroom when necessary. I laid on my side all day and night, even to eat. I got out of bed to go to the bathroom and to brush my teeth (when someone would yell at me for taking too long) and to get back in bed. I only saw the house outside of my bedroom and bathroom the couple of times that we had big scares and rushed to the hospital. It was miserable, and it was amazing. I did more bonding with that baby than you can believe. It was just him and me – together all day and all night long. We were like our own little island. We talked and read and listened to music and watched TV. I begged him to stay inside. I apologized to him for my messed up body. It was a difficult and beautiful time. I took terrible medicine to stop contractions, I had steroid shots to help his lungs develop, I KNEW I could make it to 28 weeks – a magic number for preemies. I started reading books on preemies, and my Mom and husband took them away from me b/c I was starting to freak out. At 25 weeks, after almost 5 weeks on bedrest, my water broke. I was airlifted to UAMS in Little Rock, and Isaac was born the next morning. He weighed 1 pound and 10 ounces and was the biggest fighter you have ever seen! We had a long, hard, amazing journey to bring him home 99 days later, just two days before his original due date.
4 Responses to “Waiting for Shlomo: “This Thing Called Hope””
Comment from Melissa
Time June 6, 2008 at 7:30 pm
I never get tired of hearing about the crazy journey you’ve been on! Good luck with the new baby.
Comment from Jacob & Alisha
Time June 8, 2008 at 2:45 pm
It is neat to see how your journey has been going. Thanks for sharing. We can’t wait to meet your new addition whenever he/she arrives!
Comment from Heather
Time June 30, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Oh Erin, I’m praying so hard for you guys right now. It was amazing reading about all of your hard work with Isaac… you’re one tough lady, and I can’t wait to hear some good news! <3
Comment from Carlye
Time June 6, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Erin – I am so amazed at the strength that you and Michael have. Your adorable Isaac is a true testament to that! I look forward to hearing about the successful match! I wish you lots of luck.
Keep up the blogging, you’re a great writer.
Carlye