By Erin, adoption blogger

Ok, I think I am ready to write about this. It’s been a difficult few weeks. We had an adoptive situation fall through a few months ago, but it lasted only 24 hours and turned really crazy at the end, so it was a bit of a relief when we said no and the birth mother changed her mind. This was a different story.

About three weeks ago, we were notified that our family was chosen by a birth mother. We learned some preliminary information, and asked to receive the full packet on the birth family. We first learned that we were chosen by this birth mother on October 6, a Monday. We had to wait for some medical records to come in, and by that Friday, we received the packet in the mail. We had a lot of questions, so called to talk to the social worker in charge of the case. Our social worker was out of the office on Friday, and the following Monday was Columbus Day. What a HARD wait! We were able to get a bit more information from the director, but we still had more questions. We had to wait until TUESDAY – I thought I would crack under the pressure. At that point, we had known about this adoption for 9 days, but were unable to clarify information that would help us make a final decision. We told my sister and brother-in-law, who are our go-to people with regards to support and information on this process since they just went through it, and one other friend who lives out of town. I wanted to scream it from the rooftops, because I was SO sure it was going to work out. I restrained myself, but it was hard.

On Tuesday, October 14, our 7^th wedding anniversary and in the midst of a huge stress fight, we were finally able to talk to the social worker. We found out more background and health information, and we BOTH started to feel REALLY positive that this might be our baby. We were ready to sign the commitment letter and have our personal loan dispersed to cover the next set of fees, but we wanted the social worker to clarify one more piece of information for us. We were sure it was fine, but decided to ask just in case. We made up from our fight, and Michael actually started to get excited (that’s really what the fight was about)! We took Isaac over to my parent’s house so we could go out and celebrate our anniversary. Before we left for dinner, we told them the news – “We think we have a baby. The birth mother is scheduled for a c-section on November 13. It’s a baby GIRL!” My mother was so excited she jumped up and down and almost cried. We left their house beaming, and continued to talk about our plans, the new baby, possible names, and how to work out all of the travel plans, throughout the night. We are planning to go to Dallas for Thanksgiving anyway, so we knew we would drive to Dallas around the 11^th, spend the night, drive on the San Antonio, meet the new baby, stay in San Antonio for as long as we needed to in order to get the clear to travel, go back to Dallas, celebrate Thanksgiving with all of Michael’s sisters and friends, and come home as soon as the paperwork cleared. It could not have worked out more perfectly in regards to timing. Yes, I am a planner. We even had plans for my Mom to fly to San Antonio to help us with Isaac! This was all mapped out in my head within days of receiving the news. I tried so hard not to do too much planning, but it’s hard to keep yourself from doing what comes naturally!

By Friday afternoon, I had restrained myself from buying any girl clothes, but I had made a packing list. Our social worker could not get in touch with the birth mother by phone, but had a meeting with her on Friday afternoon. By Thursday evening, we could not wait anymore, and we made the announcement to Michael’s parents and sisters. I’m sure you remember how many problems we had with Michael’s parents regarding this adoption. Well, Michael’s mother was moved to tears – in a good way! Everything was going wonderfully . . . Even Isaac was excited about his “new baby sister” that would be coming to live with us soon.

Friday afternoon – things had been in the works for 12 days. We still had not signed our commitment letter, because we were waiting to clarify that final piece of information. The birth mother had a doctor’s appointment in the late morning and then came into the agency. Our social worker had gone home sick, so the director was working with us instead. She called us. The birth mom wanted to talk to us on the phone – were we ready to sign the papers? We said we still had not heard from the social worker regarding that final piece of information. The director said she had emailed it that morning, but we had not received it . . . Everything that came next happened in a rush and in slow motion, all at the same time –

We are on the phone with the director.

Birth mother is waiting in the next room at the agency, ready to talk to us on the phone.

Director finds email from social worker, forwards it and reads it aloud on the phone.

Deafening silence from us.

Heart starts to crumble.

Let us call you back in just a minute.

Read email.

Re-read email.

Look at each other.

Phone rings – it’s the Director. Birth Mother is waiting – are we ready?

Give us 10 more minutes.

Frantic phone call to sister.

Frantic phone calls to friends with professional knowledge of specific situation.

Wait.

Everything stops.

Wait.

It should not be this hard.

I look at Michael. We can’t do this. He looks at me. We can’t do this.

Call director.

We can’t do this. We can’t do this. We can’t do this.

Heart is breaking.

A small piece of my heart has been taken by this experience. Our adoption just became ten times harder. The numbness is easing. The sadness is receding. The birth mother found another family, and they will be the perfect family for this baby. There are so many emotions – grief, guilt, sadness, guilt, disappointment, guilt, guilt, guiltguiltguiltguiltguilt. Thanksgiving will be hard – no new baby to join our family. Our baby is out there. The time will come. The guilt, sadness, and disappointment will slowly ease. There will always be a piece of this November 13^th baby girl in my heart, but thankfully, my heart is big enough for more.